BANCROFT 
LIBRARY 

•0 

THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 


STREAKS 

OF 

TJATTER   LIFE, 

A  XI) 

FAR-WEST    SCENES. 

tlES  OF  HUMOROUS  SKETCHES  DESCRIPTIVE  OF  INCIDENTS 
AND  CHARACTER  IN  THE  WILD  WEST. 


TO  WHICH  ARE  ADDED 


OTHER  MISCELLANEOUS  PIECES. 

BY  "SOLITAIRE," 

(JOHN  S.  ROBB,  OF  ST.  LOUIS,  MO.,) 

«OR    OF    ''SWALLOWING    OYSTERS     A  L  I  V  K." 


tlkhorn. — I've  seen  more  fun  in  these  yeur  digglns  than  would  fill  a  book  I 
re— Can  I  persuade  you,  Dan,  to  relate  those  scenes  to  me  1 
-Well,  hoss,  I  won't  do  anythin*  else  J 


PHILADELPHIA: 

GETZ      &      BUCK, 

NO.    4     HART'S     BUILDINGS. 

1  »  &  4. 


Entered,  according  to  the  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  :•   46,  by 
CAREY  AND  HART, 

in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  for  the  Eastern 
of  Pennsylvania. 

John  C.  Bobb.  Printer,  No.  8  Pear  St. 


6  oo 

BANCROFT 
LIBRARY 


DEDICATION. 

To  COL.  CHARLES  KEEMLE. 

PERMIT  me,  my  friend,  to  dedicate  to  you  these  pages, 
the  first  production  of  my  pen  in  the  field  of  western 
literature,  and  allow  me  to  say,  that  your  own  graphic 
relations  of  far-west  scenes,  witnessed  when  this  now 
giant  territory  was  in  its  infancy,  has  contributed  much 
to  illustrate  for  me  the  striking  features  of  western  cha- 
racter. You  may  be  set  down  as  one,  who  has  not 
only  been  a  dweller  in  the  wilds  since  its  primitive  days, 
but  an  observer  of  its  progress  in  every  stage,  from  the 
semi-civilised  state  until  the  refinement  of  polished  life 
has  usurped  the  wilderness.  Through  this  period  of 
transition  you  have  stood  unchanged,  and  that  generous 
and  nofcle  nature,  which  induced  the  Indian  chieftain, 
in  by-gone  days,  to  style  you  as  the  "  Gray  Eagle"  of 
the  forest,  calls  forth  this  humble  tribute  of  regard  from 
your  friend. 

JOHN  S.  KOBE. 


CONTENTS. 


T**&   *  £S  "iLiv-N    A  ANI'.EiUNGS  OF  A  TYPO PACiE    I  1 

"  NOT  A  DROP  MORE,  MAJOR,  UNLESS  IT7S  SWEETEN^" 56 

K1ZTTLE  BOTTOM  BALL  } 59 

Or,  Betsy  Jones9  tumble  in  the  mush  pan. 

A  CAT  STORY,  . 64 

Which  must  not  be  cur-tailed. 

A  SPIRITUAL  SISTER, *      67 

Her  encounter  with  a  doubtful  Smith. 

HOSS  ALLEN'S  APOLOGY  ; *    70 

Or,  the  Candidate's  Night  in  a  Mosquito  Swamp. 


NATURAL  ACTING  ] OS 

Dan  Marble's  First  Appearance  at  Orand  River. 

A  CANAL  ADVENTURE 87 

THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE  J 91 

His  Excuse  for  being  a  Bachelor. 

AN  EMIGRANT'S  PERILS  ; 101 

Or,  a  Flying  Ticket  on  the  Mississippi. 

FUN  WITH  A  "  BAR  ;" 104 

A  Night  Adventure  on  the  Missouri. 

TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS  ; 112 

A  Night's  Adventure  in  the  American  Bottom. 

THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT  } 117 

Or,  Dick  Kelsy's  Signature  to  his  Land  Claim. 

TALLER  PLEDGES  ] 132 

Or,  the  Fight  about  Sally  Spillman. 

A2  V 


VI  CONTENTS. 

GEORGE  MUNDAY, PAGE  139 

The  Hat  less  Prophet. 

COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW 142 

THE  SECOND  ADVENT  J 148 

Tom  Banga.ll  the  Engineer,  and  Jtfillerism. 

SETTLEMENT  FUN  J 156 

Or,  Bill  Sapper's  Letter  to  hi*  Cousin. 

"  DOING'7  A  LANDLORD, 161 

A  Story  of  Shape  and  Talent. 

WHO  IS  SIR  GEORGE  SIMPSON  ? 166 

Jin  extraordinary  circumstance  about  him. 

LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY, 168 

By  a  Forward  Child. 

SETH  TINDER'S  FIRST  COURTSHIP  ; 177 

#0?c  his  fame  was  quenched. 

THE  DEATH  STRUGGLE } 180 

Or,  the  way  Smith  did  up  Jones. 

"  WHO  ARE  THEY  ?" 183 

A  question  of  vital  import. 


PREFACE. 


IN  offering  the  following  sketches  to  the  public,  I  feel 
somewhat  like  the  hoosier  candidate  described  his  sen- 
sations, when  he  first  essayed  to  deliver  a  stump  speech : 
"  I  felt,"  said  he,  "  that  ef  I  could  ony  git  the  beginnin' 
out — ef  I  could  ony  say  'fellar  citizens  /'  that  arter  that 
it  'ud  go  jest  as  easy  as  corn  shuckin' !"  So  with  your 
humble  servant,  if  this  my  first  effort  at  book  making 
should  meet  with  favor,  I  feel  that  a  second  attempt 
would  be  a  pleasing  task.  To  all  adventurers  in  the 
field  of  literature  the  slightest  encouragement  is  a  shower 
of  success — in  my  own  case  a  smile  upon  my  effort  will 
swell  in  my  estimation  to  a  downright  "snigger"  The 
commendation  which  was  bestowed  upon  the  sketch  of 
"  Swallowing  Oysters  Alive,"  was  some  evidence  that  it 
tickled  the  public  taste,  and,  of  course,  its  wide  approval 
tickled  the  fancy  of  the  author ;  so  if  this  collection  be 
an  infliction  upon  the  reading  public's  taste,  they  have 
themselves  to  blame — they  offered  the  temptation. 

It  is  unnecessary  for  me  to  apologise  for  their  style, 
for  to  pretend  a  capability  to  furnish  any  better,  I  don't 
— and  their  finish  will  be  excused  when  I  state,  they 
are  the  productions  of  the  few  short  hours  outside  of 
eight  in  the  morning  and  ten  at  night,  the  time  between 
being  occupied  by  arduous  duties  which  almost  forbid 
thought,  save  of  themselves. 

vii 


V111  PREFACE. 

The  west  abounds  with  incident  and  humor,  and  the 
observer  must  lack  an  eye  for  the  comic  who  can  look 
upon  the  panorama  of  western  life  without  being  tempted 
to  laugh.  It  would  indeed  seem  that  the  nearer  sun- 
down, the  more  original  the  character  and  odd  the  ex- 
pression, as  if  the  sun,  with  his  departing  beams,  had 
shed  a  new  feature  upon  the  back-woods  inhabitants. 
This  oddity  and  originality  has  often  attracted  my  at- 
tention and  contributed  to  my  amusement,  and  I  have 
•wondered  why  the  finished  and  graphic  writers  of  our 
country  so  seldom  sought  material  from  this  inviting 
field.  The  idea  of  ever  attempting  to  develope  any 
portion  of  this  mine  of  incident  and  character,  with  my 
feeble  pen,  has  but  recently  been  flattered  into  exist- 
ence, and  if  my  hasty  efforts  but  aid  to  awaken  attention 
and  attract  skilful  pens  to  this  original  and  striking  field 
of  literature,  my  highest  ambition  is  attained.  The 
amusing  delineations  of  THORPE,  HOOPER,  FIELD,  SOL 
SMITH,  and  others,  who  have  with  abler  pens  developed 
these  incidents  of  western  life,  and  the  avidity  with 
which  their  sketches  have  been  read,  give  assurance 
that  the  rivers  and  valleys  of  this  western  land  will 
no  longer  be  neglected.  That  it  here  abounds  as 
plentiful  as  the  minerals  within  its  bosom,  there  is  no 
question,  for  every  step  of  the  pioneer's  progress  has 
been  marked  with  incidents,  humorous  and  thrilling, 
which  wait  but  the  wizard  spell  of  a  bright  mind  and 
able  pen  to  call  them  from  misty  tradition,  and  clothe 
them  with  speaking  life. 

It  is  true  there  are  dark  streaks  in  western  life,  as  well 
as  light  ones,  as  where  in  human  society  exists  the  one 
without  the  other  ;  but,  in  their  relation,  the  future  his- 


PREFACE.  IX 

torian  of  the  wilds  should  be  careful  to  distinguish  be- 
tween the  actual  settler  and  the  border  harpy.  The  acts 
of  this  latter  class  have  often  thrilled  the  refined  mind 
with  horror,  and  brought  condemnation  upon  the  pio- 
neer, while  a  wide  distinction  exists  between  the  two 
characters.  The  liarpy  is  generally  some  worthless  and 
criminal  character,  who,  having  to  flee  from  more  popu- 
lous districts,  seeks  refuge  at  the  outskirts  of  civilization, 
and  there  preys  alike  upon  the  red  man  and  unsuspect- 
ing settler.  There  have  been  instances  where,  after  a 
long  career  of  depredation,  these  offenders  have  aroused 
the  vengeance  of  the  back- woods  settler,  when  his  pun- 
ishment became  as  sweeping  as  his  hospitality  had  before 
been  warm  and  unsuspecting.  In  general,  however, 
the  western  squatter  is  a  free  and  jovial  character,  in- 
clined to  mirth  rather  than  evil,  and  when  he  encounters 
his  fellow  man  at  a  barbecue,  election,  log-rolling,  or 
frolic,  he  is  more  disposed  to  join  in  a  feeling  of  hilarity 
on  the  occasion,  than  to  participate  in  wrong  or  out- 
rage. An  encounter  with  the  hostile  red  skins,  or  the 
wild  animals  of  the  forest  is  to  him  pleasurable  excite- 
ment, and  his  fireside  or  camp-fire  is  rich  with  story  of 
perilous  adventure,  and  which  seems  only  worthy  of  his 
remembrance,  when  fearfully  hazardous  in  incident. 

Appended  to  these  Western  Sketches  will  be  found 
several  of  a  satirical  and  humorous  character,  which 
have  met  with  some  favor;  though  of  a  local  character, 
they  may  contribute  to  the  amusement  of  the  reader,  and 
if  so,  the  object  for  which  they  were  written  has  been 
attained. 

In  conclusion,  allow  me  to  add,  that  the  within  pages 
are  written  as  much  for  the  reader's  amusement  as  the 


X  PREFACE. 

illustration  of  odd  incidents  and  character,  and  if  they 
fail  in  this,  they  fail  altogether ; — it  is  certain  I  have 
tried  to  be  funny,  and  not  to  succeed  in  such  an  effort 
is  the  most  hopeless  of  all  literary  failures.  I  shall  leave 
the  decision  of  this,  to  me  rfltornentous,  quesfidir,  to  the 
indulgence  of  the  public,  jand  hold  myself  ready  to 
"  back  out"  if  they  decree  it,  or  attempt  a  Uetter  effort 
under  their  approving  smile. 

*  A  word  .to'Hhe-  critics.,: — Gentlemen,  i  h*ve  a  high 
respect  for  you,  and  some  little  fear,  and  I,  therefore, 
beg  of  you  to  touch  me  lightly — if  you  touch  me  at  all ; 
or,  in  the  language  of  the  Irish  pupil,  \vhen  about  to 
receive  a  thrashing  from  his  tutor; — "If  you  can't  be 
aisy,  be  as  aisy  as  you  can  /" 

THE  AUTHOR. 


STREAKS  OF  SQUATpR  LIFE, 

xo  /9         v-2  —  -»  _7^  /)         ^,    / 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 
CHAPTER  I. 

THE  WAY  HE  WAS  "BROUGHT  UP." 

JOHN  EARL,  the  subject  of  our  story,  was  a  true  an 
veritable  specimen  of  the  genus  Jour  Printer,  —  intell 
gent,  reckless,  witty,  improvident,  competent,  and  ur 
steady,  —  floating  on  the  great  sea  of  life,  regardless  or 
either  its  winds  or  tides,  —  but  little  troubled  about  the 
present,  and  perfectly  indifferent  as  to  the  future.  John 
was  the  son  of  a  Philadelphia  printer,  who  died  soon 
after  his  marriage,  and  the  grief  and  destitution  of  our 
hero's  mother  so  preyed  upon  her  slender  frame,  that  in 
giving  birth  to  him  she  sunk  under  her  sufferings  —  the 
wail  of  her  offspring  in  this  world  was  the  knell  which 
signalled  her  departure  to  another.  -That  «  the  poor 
aids  the  poor,"  was  a  saying  verified  in  John's  case, 
for  a  poor  shoemaker  in  the  house  adjoining  his  home 
took  charge  of  the  bereaved  infant,  and  sheltered  it 
beneath  his  humble  roof.  The  worthy  son  of  Crispin 
had  none  of  his  own  to  trouble  him,  and  his  wife  and 
himself,  as  their  little  charge  budded  into  prattling 

11 


12  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

• 

childhood,  grew  daily  more  fond  of  him,  until  our  hero 
held  at  least  his  third  of  interest^in  the  household.  At 
his  own  request  he  was  permitted  to  learn  the  same 
business  his  father  had  been  bred  to,  and  with  many  in- 
junctions, and  a  good  suit  of  clothes,  he  was*  consigned  at 
a  proper  age  to  a  master^printer.  Soon  after  his  transfer 
to  his  new  home,  his  adopted  parents  bade  him  farewell. 
The  old  shoemaker  ^had  become  infected  with  the 
western  fever  for  emigration,  and  after  long  and  re- 
peated consultations  with  his  wife,  had  concluded  to 
depart  to  the  land  of  rapid  fortunes  and  unbounded 
enterprise.  The  parting  was  affectionate,  and  after 
many  fond  wishes  for  each  other's  happiness,  our  hero 
was  left  to  the  mercies  of  the  "Art  preservative."  We 
need  not  say  that  he  grew  wise  in  its  mysteries,  we  will 
assume  it  as  a  matter  of  course.  John  was,  or  rather 
grew  to  be  of  a  happy  disposition,  and  viewed  life  as 
something  resembling  Pat's  pig,  a  compound  of  alter- 
nate streaks  of  fat  and  lean,  and  whenever  fortune 
looked  through  her  blue  spectacles  upon  his  progress, 
he  always  set  it  down  as  his  streak  of  lean,  and  grew 
happy  amid  his  distresses,  under  the  firm  belief  that 
his  alternate  slice  of  fat  was  next  in  order.  He  was  a 
philosopher  in  the  true  sense  of  the  word,  for  he  let  no 
occurrence  of  life  rumple  the  couch  of  his  repose — if 
he  didn't  like  his  quarters  he  took  up  his  store  of  earthly 
wealth  upon  the  end  of  a  stick,  and  travelled.  At  the 
period  of  which  we  write,  John  had  tasted  four  or  five 
years  of  the  responsibility  of  manhood,  and  had,  from 
the  day  of  his  freedom,  been  an  occasional  visiter  to  all 
the  Atlantic  cities ;  he  had  now  grown  tired  of  his  old 
tramping  ground,  and  turned  his  eye  westward.  Who 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  13 

knows,  thought  John,  but  I  may  find  a  Mount  Arrarat 
in  the  new  land  whereon  to  rest  my  ark!  "  The  west, 
aye,"  thought  John,  "that  mighty  corn  field — that  re- 
gion of  pork  and  plenty — land  of  the  migrating  sucker — 
haven  of  hope,  and  country  of  adventure,  I  stretch  out 
my  arms  towards  thee,  take  me  up  like  a  mother,  and 
be  kind  to  your  new  child." 

Gathering  up  his  shirt  No.  2,  and  overcoat  No.  1, 
into  a  handkerchief  valise,  and  wending  his  way  to  a 
Baltimore  steamer,  he  proceeded  on  board,  deposited 
his  bundle,  and  shook  the  dust  of  the  city  from  his  feet. 
From  the  deck  of  the  steamer  he  looked  out  upon  the 
mart  of  trade,  covered  with  its  busy  hundreds,  who  were 
rushing  to  and  fro,  and  running  in  and  out  of  the  great 
store-houses,  like  swarms  of  bees  around  their  hives. 

"  Poor  fellows,"  soliloquized  John,  "  how  soon  old 
time  will  knock  them  over,  and  distribute  all  the  honey 
they  are  toiling  for  among  a  new  generation." 

A  ringing  of  the  steamer's  bell  disturbed  his  musings, 
and  all  became,  for  a  few  minutes,  bustle  and  confusion 
— the  engine  moved,  and  the  paddles  answered  its  clank 
with  a  splash,  a  moment  more  arid  they  were  moving  in 
the  stream,  and  wending  their  way  past  the  rows  of 
shipping.  As  the  smoke  of  the  city  faded  from  their 
view,  John  turned  about  to  look  upon  his  fellow  pas- 
sengers ;  some  looked  pleased,  as  if  the  trip  was  one 
of  pleasure  ^  others  sad,  as  if  departing  from  joys ; 
whilst  a  portion,  discontented  with  what  they  had  left, 
appeared  determined  to  dislike  what  they  were  jour- 
neying to,  and  muttered  their  displeasure  audibly. 
Standing  alone,  leaning  over  the  rail,  was  a  fine  look- 
ing elderly  gentleman,  whose  countenance  wore  an  air 


14  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

of  quiet  content  and  goodness — it  was,  indeed,  one  of 
those  inviting  countenances  that  we  sometimes  see  pos- 
sessed by  honorable  old  age,  which  tells  of  wise  thought 
and  kindly  sympathy,  instead  of  a  callous  heart  and 
suspicious  mind,  and  our  hero  selected  its  owner  for  a 
travelling  acquaintance.  Approaching  him,  and  leaning 
over  a  rail  by  his  side,  he  remarked, 

"  We  are  moving  through  the  water,  sir,  with  light- 
ning speed." 

This  assertion  being  most  palpable  and  manifest,  the 
old  gent  remarked  in  turn  that  they  were  moving  with 
rapidity.  Having  fully  agreed  upon  this  point,  John 
ventured  further  to  enquire,  "  If  it  had  ever  occurred  to 
his  mind  that  steamboats  were  a  great  invention,  any 
how?"  The  old  gentleman  acknowledged  "he  had 
been  forcibly  struck  with  the  fact."  Now,  these  passes 
of  conversation  may  appear  to  the  reader  as  very  trivial 
and  commonplace,  but  let  us  assure  him  they  led  to 
important  results — they  broke  the  ice  which  lay  between 
two  bodies,  and  let  their  souls  float  into  contact.  John 
having,  as  it  were,  got  hold  of  the  cover  of  non-inter- 
course, which  most  travellers  wear,  just  unfolded  it  at 
each  corner,  and  by  his  wit,  intelligence,  and  reckless 
gaiety,  folded  himself  up  next  the  old  man's  heart,  and 
tucked  the  corners  of  the  robe  under  him.  The  old 
man  soon  became  delighted  with  our  hero,  and  they  be- 
came inseparable  compagnons  du  voyage. 

A  small  bell  was  rung,  and  immediately  the  clerk 
commenced  taking  up  tickets.  Here  was  an  eventful 
period  for  John — he  had  not  troubled  himself  with  the 
necessary  receipt  for  passage,  for  one  very  good  reason 
— he  had  none  of  the  needful  to  purchase  it  with  ;  like 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  15 

all  philosophers  he  had  great  faith  in  luck,  and  now  re- 
signed himself  to  her  care. 

"  I'll  take  your  ticket,  sir,"  said  the  clerk. 

"  I  wish  you  would,"  said  John,  « if  you  see  it  any 
where  about  me." 

The  clerk  took  a  stare  at  our  hero,  and  then  re- 
marked, «  I  have  no  time  to  jest,  sir." 

"  Nor  I  any  inclination  ;"  added  John,  "  the  fact  is, 
iny  friend,  I've  got  no  ticket,  and  as  uncle  Sam  is  my 
only  existing  relation,  and  as  you  have  a  contract  with 
him,  suppose  you  book  me  as  one  of  his  males" 

"  I  say  I  have  no  time  for  jesting,  sir,"  reiterated  the 
clerk,  in  an  angry  tone,"  so  please  to  hand  me  your  ticket." 

"  Well,  then,"  continued  John,  « I'll  have  to  let  you 
into  my  secret,  I  see, — I'm  an  attache  of  the  press,  on 
my  road  to  Washington  ; — now,  I  suppose,  its  all  right. 
You  are  aware  if  I  am  delayed,  Gales  and  Seaton  will 
be  very  angry,  and  Blair  and  Rives  get  in  a  pucker." 

The  clerk  was  here  getting  into  a  wrathy  state,  when 
John's  old  friend  reached  the  clerk  the  amount  of  his 
passage,  and  he  passed  on.  John  objected,  but  the  old 
man  insisted  upon  lending  it  to  him,  and  the  matter  of 
fare  being  settled  they  sped  onward  smoothly  as  before. 
"  Here's  a  streak  of  fat ,"  thought  John,  «  for  I  have 
accidentally  fell  in  with  a  travelling  angel,"  and  as  some 
return  for  his  generosit}^,  he  set  about  making  himself 
particularly  agreeable  to  his  old  companion.  In  the 
course  of  their  conversation  the  old  gent  learned  John's 
history,  and  that  he  was  now  on  his  way  to  Washington 
in  search  of  business,  to  raise  money  enough  to  carry 
him  west.  His  companion  informed  John  that  he  was 
a  western  man,  and  invited  him  to  bear  him  company  to 


16  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

his  home  in  Cleveland,  Ohio ;  but  our  hero  preferred 
the  Mississippi  country.  He  agreed,  however,  if  he 
should  fail  in  gaming  business  in  Washington,  to  ac- 
company him  to  Wheeling,  provided  he  would  increase 
the  debt  already  incurred,  and  trust  to  the  goddess,  luck, 
for  payment.  After  being  assured  that  his  company 
was  considered  worth  double  the  sum,  the  matter  was 
set  at  rest,  and  they  entered  Washington  together. 

The  old  man  had  business  in  the  city,  and  proposed 
to  our  hero,  that  while  he  was  transacting  it,  he  should 
take  a  stroll  through  the  offices  and  see  what  chance 
there  was  for  employment,  and  afterwards  meet  him  at 
the  Capitol.  They  separated,  and  when  they  again  met, 
according  to  appointment,  our  typo  "  reported  no  pro- 
gress," so  it  was  instantly  agreed  they  should  depart  for 
Wheeling.  As  they  gazed  from  the  "  spectator's  gal- 
lery," John  whispered  to.  his  companion  : 

"  I  know  the  mass  of  those  patriots  below,  and  rightly 
appreciate  them,  for  I  have  been  behind  the  curtain — 
have  helped  some  of  them  to  make  good  English  of  their 
speeches  to  Bunkum, — have  seen  their  tricks  to  get  of- 
fice, and  their  tricks  to  keep  them, — have  seen  the  iwy 
the  cat  jumps,  and  seen  it  jump  too  ;  in  short,  I'm  up 
to  the  whole  <  wodl  pulling'  system,  and  I  advise  them 
to  go  it  while  they  can,  for  the  people  may  one  day  find 
them  out,  and  then  tj^i?  spreading  here  will  end  in  a 
sprawl  at  home." 

He  had  gradually  grown  warm  in  his  soliloquy,  until 
his  voice  became  audible,  when  the  speaker  struck  his 
hammer,  the  sergeant-at-arms  started  for  the  gallery, 
and  John  and  his  old  friend  started  for  the  stairs. 

On  the  next  morning  the  two  departed  west,  leaving 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  17 

the  seat  of  government  and  its  official  inhabitants,  for 
the  broad  land  of  promise  which  lay  beyond. 

"  What  think  you  of  the  capital  ?"  enquired  the  old 
gentleman,  as  they  journeyed  onward. 

"  The  worst,"  answered  our  hero,  and  assuming  a 
Timon  of  Athens  attitude,  he  added,  "  I  have  turned 
my  back  upon  it  in  disgust  It  is  a  theatre  of  the 
worst  passions  in  our  nature — chicanery  lurks  within 
the  cabinet,  distrust  and  envy  without,  while  fawning 
sycophancy  environs  it  around  and  about.  To  sum  it  up, 
it  is  a  little  of  government — a  great  deal  of  <  bunkum,' 
sprinkled  with  a  high  seasoning  of  political  juggling, 
the  whole  of  which  has  but  one  end  and  aim — the  spoils 
of  Uncle  Sam." 

" Bravo  !"  exclaimed  his  old  friend,  "you  will  have 
to  get  elected  from  some  of  the  Western  states,  and  set 
about  cleaning  the  Augean  stable." 

"  Not  I,"  answered  John.  "  It's  too  dirty  a  job,  and 
besides,  the  sovereign  people  claim  it  as  their  peculiar 
privilege,  let  them  smell  it  out  for  themselves." 

Discussing  thus,  things  political,  they  jogged  on  to 
their  place  of  parting,  without  incident  worthy  of  noting 
by  the  way.  John  still  held  to  his  desire  of  visiting  the 
Mississippi  country,  and  his  old  friend  insisted  on  pay- 
ing his  expenses  to  Cincinnati,  our  hero  easily  yielded 
to  his  proposition,  with  the  understanding  that  it  was  to 
be  paid  when  they  again  met. 

"I  may  one  day  see  you  in  Cleveland,"  said  John, 
"  with  fortune  buckled  on  my  back,  and  if  it  should  be 
there,  <  whether  I  will  or  no,'  be  assured  I  shall  not 
cut  my  old  friends." 

The  old  man  laughed  at  the  careless  abandon  o: 
3  B2 


18  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

his  young  friend,  insisted  upon  his  calling  upon  him  in 
Cleveland  when  he  had  become  tired  of  strolling,  and 
they  parted  with  warm  expressions  of  regard.  Our  hero 
having  found  a  boat  which  drew  so  little  water,  that  it 
would,  as  the  captain  said,  "  run  up  a  tree  with  a  drop 
of  the  element  upon  it,"  he  embarked  on  board,  and 
stretching  his  form  out  in  one  of  the  state-room  berths, 
gave  liberty  to  his  thoughts,  and  wandered  back  in 
memory  to  his  childhood.  Vainly  did  his  memory 
search  for  some  kindred  face  to  dwell  upon,  the  only 
semblance  to  such  was  the  old  shoemaker  and  his  wife  ; 
and  next  to  them  he  placed  his  late  companion, — for 
he  and  his  adopted  parents  were  the  only  beings  in  his 
recollection  who  had  ever  bestowed  upon  him  disinte- 
rested, kindly  regard.  He  felt  that  he  had  floated  like 
a  moat  in  the  sunbeam,  whithersoever  the  breeze  listed, 
having  no  home  where  he  might  nestle  in  health,  or  lie 
down  in  when  seized  by  affliction — no  port  opened  its 
arms  to  his  bark,  nor  had  it  any  destination — because  it 
had  no  papers  !  but  floated  upon  the  broad  wave  of  life 
the  sport  of  fortune — and  a  hard  fortune  at  that.  As 
these  thoughts  stole  over  his  heart,  it  became  sad,  and 
for  the  first  time  in  years  its  fountains  filled  up  to  over- 
flowing, and  poured  its  burning  waters  over  his  cheeks. 
The  future  was  a  matter  of  such  uncertainty,  that  he 
did  not  care  to  think  upon  it,  nor  at  that  moment  did 
he  care  what  it  might  bring  forth — if  good,  well ;  if 
evil,  it  would  be  but  a  change  from  one  feature  of  hard 
fortune  to  another.  In  due  course  of  time  the  queen 
city  of  the  west  appeared  in  the  distance,  and  his  heart 
revived  as  he  gazed  upon  her  young  greatness — hope 
awoke  from  her  short  slumber  to  urge  him  forward  to 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  19 

greater  efforts.  On  landing  he  sought  out  a  printing 
establishment,  and  at  his  first  application  fortune  favored 
hjrn — a  streak  of  fat  was  waiting  for  his  arrival  in  the 
pork  city,  so  thro  wing  off  his  coat,  he  was  soon  clicking 
the  type  to  the  tune  of  "  better  days  "  and  here  we 
shall  leave  him  until  our  next  chapter. 


CHAPTER  II. 

AN    ADVENTURE    AMONG    THE    OFFICIALS. 

OUR  hero  passed  about  two  months  in  the  queen  city, 
when  the  desire  to  move  again  attacked  him,  and  with 
the  impulse  he  shaped  his  way  for  the  Hoosier  state, 
alone,  and  on  foot.  He  was  in  that  peculiar  state  of 
mind,  and  pocket,  which  calls  forth  all  the  coolness  and 
wisdom  of  the  philosopher,  and  to  strengthen  him  on 
his  journey  he  called  up  to  mind  all  those  illustrious 
examples  of  his  craft,  who  had  entered  strange  towns 
barefooted,  and  after  rose  to  eminence  and  distinctions; 
several  of  whom  now  figured  conspicuously  upon  the 
stage  of  public  action.  Trudging  along  thus,  now  stop- 
ping by  the  roadside  to  rest  and  muse,  again  plodding 
onward  ;  now  weary  and  desponding,  again  cheered  by 
the  carolling  of  the  wood  songsters,  he  would  flourish 
his  staff  with  sovereign  contempt  for  care,  whistle — 
"While  you  are  young,  you  should  be  gay,"  and  fix- 
ing his  hat  tighter  upon  his  brow  step  out  again  *vith  a 
republican  stride.  Earth  had  on  her  gayest  livery,  and 
the  rich  foliage  of  the  western  forests  fluttered  in  a 
gentle  breeze  ;  which  also  fanned  the  brow  of  the  soli- 


20  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

tary  wanderer,  as  he  toiled  up  a  rising  hill  in  his  path- 
way. On  reaching  the  brow  of  this  small  eminence  he 
looked  down  upon  a  flourishing  town  which  lay  in  the 
valley  below  him,  and  his  spirits  rose  as  he  gazed  upon 
the  national  flag,  invitingly  fluttering  from  the  top  of  a 
snug-looking  hotel. 

"  Huzza  for  the  old  striped  bunting!"  shouted  John, 
"there  is  luck  wherever  it  waves  supreme,  and  if  I 
don't  come  across  a  streak  of  fat  soon,  to  recompense 
me  for  the  long  lean  one  I  have  been  enjoying,  then 
<  republics  are  ungrateful,'  and  I  shall  join  the  aristo- 
cracy and  declaim  against  them." 

The  village  upon  which  John  was  gazing  was  at 
that  particular  period  the  scene  of  unusual  commotion, 
anxious  expectation,  and  great  excitement — every  inha- 
bitant appeared  on  tiptoe  about  something.  The  porch 
of  the  hotel  was  occupied  by  a  group  of  leading  citizens 
of  the  town,  among  whom  was  the  postmaster,  the 
squire,  the  parson,  a  distinguished  physician,  a  member 
of  the  bar,  and  sundry  smaller  dignitaries  attached  to 
the  official  stations  of  the  county-seat.  The  black- 
smith would  every  now  and  then  quit  his  forge,  step 
out  of  his  shop,  and  wiping  the  sweat  from  his  brow 
take  a  long  and  searching  look  up  the  road,  and  then 
returning,  pound  away  at  the  heated  iron  with  pow- 
erful energy.  The  popular  shoemaker  was  leaning 
out  of  his  window  looking  earnestly  in  the  same  di- 
rection as  his  neighbor — the  girls  were  peeping  through 
their  windows  in  a  state  of  expectancy,  and  the  young 
bucks  of  the  town,  dressed  in  their  best,  were  flit- 
ting about  in  sight  of  the  fair  inhabitants,  or  cluster- 
ing in  groups  directly  opposite  the  abode  of  certain 

V 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  21 

village  beauties,  while  the  more  juvenile  portion  of  the 
community  were  throwing  up  dust  in  the  street,  and 
huzzaing  in  a  most  animated  and  enthusiastic  manner — 
in  short,  the  town  was  upon  the  eve  of  a  great  occa- 
sion. The  member  of  congress,  from  that  district,  was 
expected  to  partake  of  a  public  dinner,  on  that  day,  at 
the  principal  hotel  of  the  town  of  M.,  in  the  state  of 
Indiana,  and  his  constituents  had  prepared  to  give  him 
a  hearty  reception  on  his  return  home,  for  the  able 
manner  in  which  he  had  defended  their  interests.  He 
was  expected  every  moment,  and  of  course,  the  place 
was  big  with  anticipation. 

John  wended  his  way  unnoticed  down  the  street,  but 
observing  everything — his  keen  eye  discovered  not  only 
matter  of  interest  in  the  commotion,  but  high  promise — 
there  was  evidently  something  "  out,"  for  the  throbbing 
town,  the  fluttering  banner,  and  the  anxious  groups 
betrayed  it.  Entering  the  hotel  where  the  principal 
citizens  were  assembled,  John  mingled  with  the  throng 
in  the  bar  room,  and  listened  to  learn  the  cause  of  the 
gathering ;  how  did  his  heart  swell  within  him  (for  it 
had  plenty  of  room)  when  he  heard  that  a  public  dinner 
was  on  the  tapis,  a  real  bona  fide  dinner,  of  fish,  flesh, 
and  fowl,  with  an  abundance  of  good  liquor.  John 
determined  to  search  out  the  location  of  that  town  upon 
the  map,  and  mark  it  down  in  his  remembrance  as  pos- 
sessing a  highly  civilized  community.  The  landlord's 
son,  an  urchin  of  about  six  years  of  age,  was  every  now 
and  then  running  into  the  hall,  and  then  out  into  the 
street,  huzzaing  at  every  termination  of  his  race,  run- 
ning against  every  body,  and  putting  on  all  sorts  of 
wild  antics — he  appeared  to  have  "cut"  his  comrades  in 


22  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

the  street,  and  was  going  the  enthusiastic  on  his  own 
hook,  as  if  fully  impressed  with  the  honors  descending 
upon  his  father's  house — him  our  hero  fixed  upon  to 
learn  particulars,  and  seizing  him  as  he  entered  the  hall, 
enquired  who  was  coming  to  eat  the  dinner  that  day. 

"  Hey,  why,  don't  you  know  ? — I  guess  you're  a  fellar 
of  the  other  party; — it's  the  Governor  that's  a  comin'," 
and  off  dashed  the  young  publican. 

An  alarm  now  drew  the  crowd  in  the  bar  room  out 
to  the  porch,  barkeeper  and  all,  and  a  citizen  having 
left  his  glass  imtasted  upon  the  counter,  while  he.  went 
to  see  the  matter  of  interest  outside,  John  just  took  the 
liberty  of  tasting  the  contents,  by  way  of  a  priming  to 
nerve  him  for  future  contingencies,  and,  after,  quietly 
strolled  to  the  rear  of  the  house,  where  discovering  a 
darkey  blacking  boots,  he  stuck  up  his  dust-covered  ex- 
tremities, and  authoritatively  ordered  him  to  brush  them 
up  ;  the  darkey  obeyed,  and  a  wash  after,  at  the  pump, 
brought  out  John's  genius  bright  as  a  "  new  dollar" — 
to  use  his  own  expression,  he  was  "  a  full  case  and 
printed  copy!"  While  he  was  arranging  his  cravat  in 
the  sitting  room,  a  shout  rent  the  air  which  made  the 
glass  before  him  rattle.  Again !  again !  huzza !  and 
dashing  down  to  the  hotel  came  a  barouche  containing 
the  guest,  with  the  judge  of  the  district,  a  member  of 
legislature,  and  the  county  clerk.  Huzza !  shouted 
the  village — huzza!  shouted  our  hero, — bang!  went 
a  small  swivel  at  the  upper  end  of  the  town — white 
waved  the  ladies'  handkerchiefs,  and  high  swelled  the 
heart  of  a  nation's  statesman.  At  that  exciting  moment 
the  Indiana  representative  loomed  upon  the  public  eye  al- 
most majestic — Clay  was  no-where,  Polk  wasn't  thought 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  23 

of,  Webster  was  but  a  patching,  and  Van  Buren  was 
small  potatoes — the  only  comparisons  to  the  returned 
representative,  were  Washington  and  old  Hickory. 

The  signal  was  now  given,  and  in  poured  the  sub- 
scribers to  the  dinner,  with  their  guest,  and  in  poured 
John  u  on  his  own  hook."  The  dining  room  shook 
with  applause  as  the  member  took  his  seat.  The  judge 
presided  upon  the  occasion,  and  after  a  blessing  by  the 
parson,  they  set  to  at  the  viands.  We  need  not  enter 
into  particulars  as  to  how  the  eatables  looked  or  how 
they  were  eaten,  suffice  it  they  were  choice  and  plentiful, 
and  that  the  company  showed  an  appreciatian  of  their 
worth  by  clearing  the  table  !  The  host — on  this  occasion 
the  happy  host — stood  behind  the  member's  chair  with 
a  napkin,  as  if  waiting  for  the  great  man  to  get  through, 
so  he  might  wipe  his  mouth  and  hands  for  him.  The 
enthusiasm,  and  the  liquor,  had  set  the  host's  face  in  a 
glow  ;  he  looked  as  if  he  felt  the  greatness  of  the  occa- 
sion, and  he  said  he  didn't  care,  if  they  devoured  every 
thing  in  his  house — he  was  repaid  by  the  honor,  indeed, 
he  didn't  know  that  he  had  anything  more  to  live  for 
after  that  day,  it  was  the  crowning  period  of  his  career. 
John,  happy  John  !  was  actually  devastating  everything 
within  his  reach — he  hadn't  had  such  a  chance  for  days, 
aye,  weeks,  and  like  Dugald  Dalgetty,  he  not  only  made 
the  most  of  the  present,  but  carefully  laid  up  a  small 
provision  for  the  future.  He  laughed  at  all  jests  within 
hearing,  and  scattered  his  own  with  unusual  brilliancy. 

The  period  had  now  arrived  for  the  toasts  and 
speeches,  the  feast  of  reason  and  the  flow  of  liquor. 
After  the  regulars  were  drank,  the  county  clerk  gained 
the  floor  and  offering  a  few  striking  and  pertinent  remarks, 


24  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

wherein  he  dwelt  upon  how  the  nation,  and  Indiana  in 
particular,  had  been  rescued  by  their  representative,  he 
proposed  the  following : 

"  Our  representative,  Charles  Stumper,  Esq.,  a  pure 
patriot  of  Indiana,  may  a  nation's  gratitude  yet  make 
him  a  nation's  head." 

Amid  the  loud  plaudits  which  followed,  Charles 
Stumper,  Esq.,  bowed  his  head  as  if  that  head  was 
already  a  national  crowning  piece,  and  swallowing  a 
spoonfull  of  cold  water,  he  arose  from  his  seat  with  a 
dignity  befitting  his  august  station.  We  have  not  room 
here  to  give  his  speech  in  detail — it  was,  of  course, 
great — it  couldn't  be  anything  else  !  When  he  finished 
by  saying  that,  "  hereafter,  body,  bones,  blood  and  all 
were  devoted  to  their  service,"  a  shout  went  up  that 
shook  the  town  of  M.  like  a  small  earthquake.  Before 
he  took  his  seat  he  offered  the  following  compliment : 

"The  town  of  M.,  while  its  citizens  have  an  exist- 
ence, the  country  is  safe  !" 

By  a  loud  shout  the  citizens  of  M.  proclaimed  that 
they  would  save  the  country.  During  these  enthusiastic 
proceedings  our  hero,  by  his  urbanity,  wit,  sentiment, 
and  good  humor,  had  won  a  host  of  friends  around  him, 
and  considerable  curiosity  was  manifested  to  know  who 
he  was,  but  no  one  seemed  able  to  give  a  satisfactory 
reply.  Some  said,  he  came  with  the  congressman,  and 
was  his  particular  friend  ;  others  went  so  far  as  to  in- 
timate that  he  was  another  congressman  in  disguise — 
indeed,  it  was  whispered  that  he  was  a  senator  incog  ! 

"  Hold  on,  fellars,"  said  one  of  the  citizens,  "jest 
hold  your  hosses,  boys — he'll  come  out  directly;  ther's 
.suthin'  more  in  that  fellar  than's  on  the  outside !" 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  25 

All  appeared  to  agree  to  this  sage  opinion,  and  held 
their  "  hosses"  accordingly.  At  length  a  pause  occur- 
ing,  as  agreed  upon  by  the  editor  of  the  county  paper, 
the  principal  lawyer  of  the  town  toasted  "  The  Press, 
the  guardian  of  republican  liberty."  This  toast  was 
offered  to  afford  the  county  editor  a  chance  to  deliver 
a  speech,  which  he  had  prepared  for  the  occasion,  but 
before  he  could  clear  his  throat  and  get  upon  his  legs, 
John  had  gained  the  floor,  and  in  a  clear  tone  called 
the  attention  of  the  table.  Here  was  a  subject  upon 
which  John  was  at  home — he  knew  the  press  « like  a 
book,"  and  with  easy  manner  and  consummate  assurance, 
opened  upon  the  great  subject  of  its  power.  As  he  pro- 
ceeded, all  eyes  dilated! — he  pictured  its  progress  from 
its  earliest  advent — its  days  of  weakness,  until  its  present 
wide-spread  influence  and  power ;  he  grew  eloquent, 
and  at  length  wound  up  with  the  following  flourish : 

"  To  the  press,  gentlemen,  we  owe  all  the  astonishing 
achievements  of  modern  times — they  are  the  fruits  of 
its  power.  It  was  the  press  which  in  an  iron  age  un- 
shackled the  mind  of  man  and  gave  free  scope  to  his 
intellect, — taught  him  to  soar  over  the  elemental  fields 
which  gird  him  round  about,  and  search  into  the  sources 
of  his  own  being,  the  causes  which  produced  the  great 
harmony  in  universal  nature,  and  how  to  draw  from 
those  causes  effects  which  would  promote  his  happiness 
— sent  him  forth  upon  the  great  field  of  discovery,  and 
spreading  his  achievements  before  the  world,  drew  forth 
the  might  of  mind  to  his  aid,  and  now  having  led  him 
to  subdue  the  very  lightning  to  his  will,  is  by  its  aid 
scattering  intelligence  broadcast  through  the  earth.  It 
is  not  merely  the  guardian  of  Liberty — it  is  its  creator.1 
4  C 


26  THE  WESTERN  WA^DBRINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

%  -  ""  ..'*     '*        *'.••. 
As  the  sun  is  to  the  solar  system,  so  is  the  press  to 

human  society ;  eclipse  either,  and  man  is  left  in  a  night 
of  darkness  more  dreadful  than  annihilation!" 

Applauses  long  and  loud  greeted  his  closing  words; 
even  the  ladies,  looking  through  the  windows  of  the 
hotel  from  the  porch  which  surrounded  it,  joined  in 
the  tokens  of  satisfaction,  and  now  more  eagerly  than 
ever  the  question  was  propounded — "  who  is  he  ?"  No 
one  knew,  but  all  were  high  in  his  praise,  and  honors 
were  showered  so  thick  upon  him  that  he  hardly  knew 
what  he  was  about — every  body  wanted  to  drink  with 
him,  and  he  drank  with  every  body.  Order  was  called 
for  his  toast,  and  he  gave — 

"  The  ladies  of  M. — If  heaven  should  blot  out  the 
stars,  we  will  not  discover  the  loss  while  surrounded  by 
their  bright  eyes." 

The  huzzas  became  so  deafening,  the  glory  was  so 
unexpected,  and  the  liquor  was  so  pungent,  that  John 
lost  his  compass,  and  began  to  beat  about  wild.  Some 
one  said  he  would  make  a  first  rate  stump  speaker,  and 
to  prove  his  capability  he  commenced  a  political  speech, 
— sad  mishap ! — sad,  because  he  forgot  which  side  he 
should  be  on !  and  commenced  a  most  scathing  tirade 
against  the  very  party  he  was  feasting  with.  He  had  so 
won  upon  their  good  opinion  that  they  listened  patiently 
for  awhile,  but  patience  soon  melted  away,  and  "  turn 
him  out,"  was  shouted  from  all  sides  of  the  table — the 
editor  of  the  county  paper  was  most  violent  for  thrusting 
him  out,  for  John  had  cut  him  out  of  his  speech  on  the 
press. 

"Turn  him  out!"  shouted  the  editor,  "he's  a  base 
spy  in  the  camp.' 


John  perceived  in  a  moment  his  fatal  error,  and  felt 
happy  that  it  did  not  occur  until  dinner  was  over — he  felt 
that  he  had  made  an  impression,  and  was  proud  that  it 
was  through  no  compromise  of  principle  he  had  tasted 
of  their  hospitality,  and  showed  them  he  was  an  oppo- 
nent still ;  all  that  remained  now,  was  to  make  a  dignified 
retreat,  and  raising,  with  some  difficulty,  erect,  he  said  : 

"  Gentlemen,  when  I  entered,  (hic)-tered  this  as- 
sembly, I  thought  I  was  among  brethren,  but  I,  (hie)  I 
find  I  was  deceived,  and  that  I  have  been  somewhat 
contaminated  through  error,  so,  (hie)  so  with  your  per- 
mission I'll  withdraw  and  repent.  I  will  no  long-(hic) 
longer  be  one  of  you,  but  go  forth  to  breathe  a  freer 
air." 

At  this  moment  he  raised  his  hat  to  place  it  on  his 
head,  with  a  flourish,  when  out  dropped  the  half  of  a 
chicken,  and  two  doughnuts,  which  he  had  stowed  away 
for  a  lunch.  Their  falling  just  at  that  particular  moment 
bothered  him,  and  to  leave  them  there  bothered  him 
worse,  but  to  pick  them  up  was  too  humiliating — he 
scorned  the  action  ;  since,  they  would  fall,  why  there 
let  them  lie,  he  would  none  of  them. 

"Old  fellar,"  said  a  hoosier  citizen,  "you'd  better 
pick  up  your  chicken  fixens  afore  you  go." 

"Never!"  shouted  John,  indignantly,  "I  should 
des-(hic)  despise  myself  if  I  carried  off  the  spoils  of 
the  enemy — you  and  your  fragments  may  go  to  the 
d 1!" 

A  yell  followed  his  retreat,  which  would  have  shaken 
the  nerves  of  a  Coriolanus,  but  they  steadied  our  hero's, 
and  calm  and  composed  he  strode  through  the  door  lead 
ing  from  the  dining  room.    The  county  editor  seized  the 


\         -  ~      -     v      >  «      V> 

28  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS* OF  A  TYPO.> 

chicken  and  doughnuts,  and  hurled  them  after  him, 
when  John  coolly  closed  the  door,  picked  up  the  in- 
dignities, put  them  in  his  hat,  and  departed.  Taking 
the  road  which  led  from  the  town,  he  turned  his  back 
upon  the  scene  of  the  late  festivities.  As  he  again 
plodded  onward  he  might  be  heard  ejaculating — "Well, 
wasn't  that  a  streak  of  fat!  What  a  dinner!  Fit  for  the 
gods,  as  I'm  a  gentleman  !  Rather  funny  at  the  winding 
up,  but  the  commencement  and  the  continuation  was 
conducted  with  statesmanlike  skill,  and  after  all,  the 
winding  up  was  but  an  agreeable  little  interlude." 

As  John  crept  into  a  barn  that  night,  some  few  miles 
from  the  town  of  M.,  aird  stretched  himself  upon  the 
straw  to  sleep  off  the  glories  of  the  day,  he  quietly 
murmured  to  himself — "Well,  here  goes  for  another 
streak  of  lean  /" 


CHAPTER  III. 

JOHN'S    EDITORIAL    CAREER. 
| 

IN  our  hero's  peregrinations  he  wandered  into  the 
Sucker  state,  the  country  of  vast  projected  rail  roads, 
good  corndodger,  splendid  banking  houses,  and  poor 
currency,  and  during  his  progress  therein  he  earned  and 
hoarded  about  one  hundred  and  fifty  bona  fide  dollars. 
With  this  store  of  wealth  jingling  in  his  pockets,  he  en- 
tered the  town  of  B ;  he  did  not  come  now  as  the 

needy  adventurer,  but  as  one  holding  one  hundred  and 
fifty  considerations  entitling  him  to  respect.  The  world 
had  taken  a  wider  spread  to  his  eye,  and  assumed  new 
features,  or  rather  he  began  to  see  with  a  clearer  vision, 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  29 

for  the  common  order  of  society  appeared  now,  as 
plain  as  daylight,  to  have  most  villainous  faces,  and  the 
respectability  of  wealth  was  as  apparent  as  moonshine — 
he  could  now  easily  assign  a  reason  for  the  deference 
paid  to  high  station — in  short,  he  had  arrived  at  a  state 
of  feeling  highly  becoming  the  possessor  of  increasing 
wealth.  Addressing  the  innkeeper  of  the  town,  who 
was  a  member  of  one  of  the  first  families,  with  an  air 
of  consequence,  he  demanded  a  whole  room  for  his 
accommodation,  when  heretofore  the  third  chance  in  a 
bed  would  have  been  considered  a  luxury,  oriental  in  its 
character,  and  a  blessing  befitting  a  "three  tailed  bashaw." 
The  little  town  was  an  important  one,  as  all  sucker 
towns  are,  yet  the  arrival  of  our  hero  was  enough  to 
create  a  sensation  from  its  one  extremity  to  the  other. 
An  acquaintance  with  the  innkeeper  soon  gained  him. 
an  introduction  to  the  member  of  the  legislature  from 
that  district,  and  this  opening  soon  made  him  intimate 
with  the  town.  Many  efforts  were  made  by  the  citizens 
to  "  draw  him  out,"  and  learn  his  business,  but  John 
kept  dark.  « He's  a  close  fellar,"  said  a  sucker 
citizen,  "but  I  reckon,  arter  all,  his  business  is  pole- 
ticks."  These  and  sundry  other  "  ambiguous  givings 
out,"  assured  our  hero  that  he  was  a  subject  of  gene- 
ral interest.  "  What  is  his  politics  ?"  was  a  question  of 
import,  duly  discussed  in  the  leading  political  circles  ; 
and  "  was  he  married  ?" — and,  "  who'd  get  him,  if  he 
wasn't  ?"  was  equally  an  absorbing  matter  of  interest 
among  the  ladies;  indeed,  an  animated  discussion  as  to 
his  preference  had  already  caused  a  coolness  between 
several  pairs  of  devoted  female  friends.  It  was  said 
that  the  pert  Miss  A — ,  the  storekeeper's  daughter,  had 
c2 


30  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

absolutely  walked  down  the  principal  street  of  B , 

right  before  our  hero,  swinging  the  skirt  of  her  frock 
in  a  most  enticing  manner.  Such  a  bold  and  forced 
movement  to  take  him  by  surprise,  before  any  other 
maid  could  get  a  chance,  was  declared,  at  a  tea  and 
gossip  party,  to  be  most  "  tolerable  and  not  to  be  en- 
dured." At  length  his  object  was  made  known — he 
inquired  of  the  legislative  member,  if  that  was  a  good 
point  to  establish  a  paper,  and  as  soon  as  his  surprise 
would  permit,  the  member  declared  it  to  be  an  immense 
place,  indeed,  an  enormous  location,  and  more  than  that, 
the  material  for  an  establishment  was  in  the  town,  had 
been  in  operation,  and  all  it  wanted  was  an  editor  to 
conduct  the  paper.  John  signified  his  ability  and  wil- 
lingness, and  the  intelligence  spread  through  the  town 
like  a  prairie  fire,  and  some  pretty  noses  turned  up  as 
their  owners  exclaimed — "Why,  I  swow,  he's  only  a 
printer,  after  all !" 

The  member  for  the  district,  along,  lanky,  cadaverous 
lawyer,  who  was  death  on  a  speech,  powerful  in  chew- 
ing tobacco,  and  some  at  a  whisky  drinking,  was  part 
owner  of  the  printing  concern,  and  having  an  opponent 
in  the  district,  who  had  started  a  paper  in  the  lower 
town,  on  the  river,  to  oppose  him,  he  was  most  anxious 
to  get  the  press  going;  so,  assuring  John  he  could  have 
it  at  his  own  terms,  and  one  hundred  and  fifty  subscribers 
to  commence  with,  which  must  of  course  swell  to  a 
thousand,  they  settled  the  matter,  and  proceeded  to 
examine  the  establishment.  It  was  at  length  agreed 
that  our  hero  should  give  one  hundred  and  twenty-five 
dollars  of  his  one  hundred  and  fifty,  in  cash,  and  his 
note  for  four  hundred  and  fifty  Collars  more,  payable  at 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  31 

the  end  of  a  year,  besides  fifty  dollars  rent  for  the  office, 
which  also  belonged  to  the  lawyer.  A  meeting  of 
the  first  citizens  of  the  town  was  held  on  the  ensuing 
evening,  to  which  John  Earl,  Esq.,  was  formally  intro- 
duced as  the  new  editor  of  the  B Eagle,  and  the 

re-commencement  of  the  paper  duly  discussed. 

«  You've  hearn  tell  of  the  bank  and  tariff  questions  ?" 
inquired  a  leading  constituent  and  subscriber. 

John  answered  "  yes,"  he  was  somewhat  acquainted 
with  them. 

"  Well,  hoss,  we  'spect  you  to  be  right  co-chunk  up 
to  the  hub  on  them  thar  questions,  and  to  pour  it  inter 
the  inimy  in  slashergaff  style." 

John  agreed  to  do  his  prettiest. 

"  In  the  town  below  us,"  continued  the  constituent, 
"  thar  is  a  fellar  of  the  inimy  who's  dead  bitter  agin 
us  and  our  town,  so  you  must  gin  him  scissors  !  Rile 
him  up,  and  sot  his  liver  workin',  'cause  the  skunk  is 
injurin'  our  location.  Advartis'  our  doins'  in  gineral, 
sich  as  we  got  to  sell,  and  throw  yourself  wide  on  the 
literary  fixins  and  poetry,  for  the  galls — and,  Mister 
Earl,  ef  you  ony  do  this  genteely,  and  with  spirit,  the 
whole  town  will  take  the  paper  !  Don't  forgit  to  gin  the 
town  below  particular  saltpetre." 

John  gave  them  to  understand  that  if  his  subscribers 
wished  it,  he  would  not  only  cut  up  the  editor,  but 
throw  the  lower  town  into  a  series  of  fits  which  would 
cause  its  utter  dissolution.  All  being  duly  settled,  our 
hero  retired  to  his  room  to  dream  of  future  greatness. 
Already  did  he  behold  sheets  filled  with  editorial  tact 
and  talent — already  was  his  name  inscribed  upon  the 
roll  with  illustrious  editorial  contemporaries — Ritchie, 


32  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

Pleasants,  Blair,  Gales,  Chandler,  Prentice  and  Neal, 
those  great  names  of  the  tripod  tribe  already  numbered 
him  on  their  list,  and  he  fancied  "his  name  grown  great 
in  mouths  of  wisest  censure,"  while  his  pockets  were 
correspondingly  corpulent  with  the  reward  for  such 
ability.  Poor  fellow,  could  he  have  drawn  aside  the 
curtain,  and  beheld  the  days  of  toil,  the  struggles  to 
procure  ink  and  paper,  the  labor  of  writing  editorials, 
and  the  labor  of  setting  them  up,  working  them  off  at 
press,  pasting  up  the  mail,  and  the  lack  of  reward  which 
repaid  this  drudgery,  he  would  have  kicked  ambition 
out  of  his  company,  and  clutched  his  little  hoard  like  a 
vice. 

The  town  of  B and  the  town  below,  had  been 

rivals  ever  since  they  were  first  laid  out  upon  a  map — 
the  growth  of  one  had  always  been  the  envy  of  the 
other,  and  an  improvement  in  one  was  sure  to  be  imi- 
tated by  the  other.  The  lower  town  had  been  most  suc- 
cessful in  the  publication  of  a  newspaper,  for  the  reason 
that  they  paid  something  to  support  it,  while  the  town 
of  B suffered  for  the  neglect  they  manifested  to- 
wards the  press.  The  editor  below  not  only  abused 
the  religion,  politics,  merchandise,  and  intelligence  of 

B ,  but  the  beauty  of  the  women,  and  the  smartness 

of  the  babies  ;  he  had  even  gone  so  far  as  to  say  that 

B women  and  babies  could  be  known  by  their 

heads.  This  was  an  outrage  most  unpardonable,  and 
John  rose  in  estimation  as  their  defender  against  such 
vandal  accusations. 

Behold  John  seated  scratching  out  his  first  editorial ! 
Ah,  ye  weavers  of  cheap  literature,  who  have  watched 
with  aching  cuiiosity  the  appearance  of  your  first  prq- 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  33 

duction — ye  writers  of  small  poetry  for  daily  journals, 
who  have  listened  so  eagerly  for  praise — ye  penny  edi- 
tors who  have  successfully  tickled  the  popular  ear — ye 
ruling  deities  of  mammoth  weeklies,  what  are  all  your 
feelings,  concentrated  into  one  great  throb,  in  comparison 
to  the  mighty  throes  of  talent  waking  from  her  sleep  in 
the  mind  of  John  Earl.  It  would  have  shocked  the 
lower  town  like  the  heaving  of  a  volcano,  had  they  but 
known  the  shower  of  expletives  our  hero  was  tracing  on 
the  sheet  before  him.  Goths  and  Vandals,  corruption 
and  spoilsmen,  traitors  and  apostates,  vile  incendiaries, 
and  polluting  vipers,  poisonous  demagogues,  and  a  host 
more,  bitter  as  sin,  were  showered  like  hail  from  his 
pen,  when  giving  "perticular  goss"  to  the  lower  town 
editor  and  his  abettors. 

With  the  appearance  of  the  first  number  our  hero's 
consequence  began  to  rise,  the  respectable  citizens  took 
him  cordially  by  the  hand,  and  their  daughters  smiled 
upon  him,  while  the  poorer  inhabitants  wondered  at  his 
"larninV 

"  A  most  excellent  first  number,"  said  the  lanky 
member,  "  a  good  quantity  of  hot  shot — just  the  thing 
— sew  the  lower  town  up — you've  got  prodigious  talents 

•immense  !" 

John  bowed  to  the  pleasing  flattery.  „ 

"Well,  hoss,"  said  the  storekeeper  constituent  and 
subscriber,  "You've  slashed  the  hide  off 'er  that  fellar 
in  the  lower  town,  touched  his  raw,  and  rumpled  his 
feathers — that's  the  way  to  give  him  Jessy.  I  raily  be- 
lieve you'll  git  yourself  inter  the  legislate'  afore  long, 
ef  you  keep  on." 

Our  hero  listened  to  these  first  breathings  of  fame 
5 


34  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

with  a  swelling  bosom — there  was  a  chance  of  his  becom- 
ing somebody,  at  last,  and  labor  became  a  pleasure  when 
it  produced  such  a  yield.  At  a  public  meeting  called  in 
the  town  he  was  elected  secretary,  and  ventured  on  the 
occasion  to  make  a  speech,  which  was  loudly  applauded, 
and  in  the  next  number  of  the  Eagle  appeared  a  glowing 
description  of  the  proceedings,  with  a  synopsis  of  his 
own  speech.  This  awoke  some  jealousy  in  the  mind  of 
the  lanky  member,  who  thought  John  wished  to  supplant 
him.  As  time  progressed  the  Eagle  increased  its  subscrip- 
tion to  two  hundred,  its  editor  grew  popular,  in  debt, 
and  received  nothing  from  his  subscribers — indeed,  he 
soon  discovered  that  pay  made  up  no  part  of  their  pa- 
tronage, and  he  began  to  grow  tired  of  laboring  for  glory 
alone.  All  this  time  the  war  was  waging  hotter  and 
thicker  between  the  towns  and  their  editors.  At  length 
he  of  the  lower  town  inserted  in  his  "Patriotic  Herald 
and  Telegraph"  the  following  : 

$f="  We  are  informed,  from  good  authority,  that  the 
Buzzard  of  the  Eagle  cannot  pay  his  board  bill,  and 
fears  are  entertained  that  he  will  slope  without  liquidat- 
ing the  debt !" 

This  was  personal — every  body  said  it  was  personal 
— the  lanky  member  said  it  must  be  wiped  out  with 
blood — the  storekeeper  swore  that  John  must  "  eat  the 

other  fellar's  gizzard"  and  the  ladies  of  B resolved, 

at  a  tea  party,  that  the  death  of  the  lower  town  editoi 
could  alone  atone  for  the  many  indignities  he  had  heaped 
upon  them,  and  John  was  the  very  man  to  offer  himself 
up  as  a  sacrifice.  All  the  subscribers  to  the  Eagle  were 
interested  in  the  matter,  for  they  would  gain  in  any 
event,  as  how  :  If  the  lower  town  editor  was  removed, 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  35 

an  enemy  had  perished  ;  if  John  fell,  a  creditor's  ac- 
counts were  closed,  so  they  were  unanimous  for  a  duel. 
The  lanky  member  informed  John  of  the  general  opinion 
of  the  public  as  to  what  he  should  do,  and  urged  the 
sending  of  a  challenge  forthwith,  which  he  offered  to 
bear.  John  intimated  that  he  must  have  a  day  to  prac- 
tise before  he  sent  the  missive,  and  this  was  acceded 
to  as  prudent,  but  bowie  knives  were  recommended  by 
his  friend- as  much  the  safest  and  sure  means  of  killing. 
Our  hero  seated  himself  in  the  Eagle  office  that  night, 
where  the  ghost  of  his  departed  greatness  visited  his 
waking  thoughts,  to  laugh  at  his  present  misery.  Of 
his  one  hundred  and  fifty  dollars,  but  twenty-five  re- 
mained— his  clothes  were  nearly  worn  out — his  board 
bill  unpaid — his  subscriptions  and  advertisements  ditto, 
and  the  supply  of  paper  and  ink  was  insufficient  for 
another  issue,  besides  a  duel  on  hand  with  another  poor 
devil  of  an  editor,  and  the  whole  town  thirsting  for  the 
bloody  transaction.  A  thought  flashed  upon  his  brain — 
he  would  go  see  his  antagonist.  No  sooner  was  the 
idea  conceived  than  he  put  it  in  execution.  Gathering 
up  his  remaining  twenty-five  dollars  he  set  off  in  the 
night  for  the  lower  town,  where  he  arrived  about  day- 
light. After  a  hasty  breakfast  at  the  inn,  he  entered  the 
"  Herald  office,"  and  seating  himself  upon  the  only  chair 
in  the  establishment,  inquired  for  the  editor.  A  little 
pale  man,  engaged  at  case,  lay  down  his  composing  stick 
and  advanced,  expecting  a  new  subscriber,  but  started 
to  run  as  soon  as  he  was  informed  that  the  editor  of  the 
"  Eagle"  was  before  him.  John  stopped  his  egress 
and  made  him  sit  down  while  he  talked  to  him.  A 
conversation  brought  on  mutual  apologies,  and  he  found 


36  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

his  antagonist  as  great  a  sufferer  as  himself — the  mere 
hack  of  county  politicians,  who  had  been  lured  by  the 
same  phantom — greatness,  until  he  had  worn  himself  to 
a  corresponding  shadow,  chasing  the  vision.  The  two 
typo  editors  shook  hands  in  friendship,  and  our  hero 
departed  homeward. 

On  John's  arrival  he  encountered  the  member,  who 
urged  the  immediate  despatch  of  the  challenge,  which 
John  refused,  and  to  his  refusal  added  some  words  of 
contempt  for  the  citizens  of  B ,  and  their  represen- 
tative in  particular.  This  aroused  the  member,  who  de- 
clared that  cowardice  had  driven  him  over  to  the  enemy. 
To  prove  the  falsehood  of  this  assertion,  John  knocked 
the  member  down,  and  kicked  his  honor  must  indig- 
nantly. The  editor  of  the  Eagle  was  well  aware,  that 
after  this  outbreak  he  must  "break  for  tall  timber,"  so 
cooking  a  smash  dish  of  pi  in  his  office,  he  bequeathed 
the  feast  to  his  successor,  and  leaving  his  subscription 
list,  and  interest  in  the  concern,  to  pay  his  debts,  he 
beat  a  hasty  retreat.  As  he  hurried  through  the  woods 
skirting  the  river,  the  welcome  puff  of  a  steamer  saluted 
his  ear,  and  waving  his  handkerchief  as  a  signal,  she 
stopped,  landed  a  boat,  and  took  him  on  board. 

Farewell  to  B ,  its  dreams  of  greatness  had  faded 

to  mist,  and  instead  of  growing  honor,  emolument,  and 
renown,  it  had  yielded  naught  but  the  fruit  of  bitterness, 
accompanied  with  toil  and  care,  the  end  of  which  was  a 
roll  back  to  the  bottom  of  the  hill  he  had  fancied  already 
climbed.  The  great  of  earth  will  smile  at  his  troubles, 
— happy  for  him  that  his  disposition  would  only  permit 
them  to  cause  a  momentary  sadness.  As  the  steamer 
receded  from  the  scene  of  his  late  vexation  and  care,  he 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  37 

began  to  rejoice  in  his  freedom,  and  in  a  light-hearted 
mood  paced  her  deck,  an  untrammelled  candidate  for 
new  fortune.  Bright  dreams  of  the  future  came  again, 
and  what  a  blessing  it  is  that  the  lonely  adventurer  in 
this  world  is  permitted  to  dream,  for  with  a  vivid  ima- 
gination he  may  revel  in  joys  which  waking  reality  can 
never  equal. 

Let  us  return  a  moment  to  B .   All  there,  as  may 

be  supposed,  was  a  scene  of  confusion,  indignation,  and 
horror,  at  the  outrage  inflicted  upon  the  member — he 
had  absolutely  been  Jdcked  !  A  warrant  was  issued  for 
John,  and  then  it  was  discovered  he  had  sloped — more 
indignation!  The  editor  of  the  lower  town  still  lived, 
and  the  member  had  been  kicked — horror!  The  office 
of  the  Eagle  was  in  pi  and  its  editor  non  est,  which 
means  nowhere — terrible  excitement !  Here  was  capital 
for  the  lower  town  editor,  and  didn't  he  use  it — to  use  a 
classical  expression  he  lit  upon  the  upper  town  and  its 
member  "  like  a  thousand  of  brick!"  He  charged  them 
with  starving  their  editor,  charged  their  editor  with  cow- 
ardice, charged  the  member  with  tamely  submitting  to 
be  kicked  by  the  aforesaid  cowardly  editor,  and  wound 
up  by  asserting  that  the  town  of  B produced  no- 
thing but  pusillanimous  men,  ugly  women,  and  pug- 
nosed  babies !  The  glory  of  B ,  departed  while  the 

lower  town  swelled  into  vast  importance,  and  its  editor 
received  a  present  of  two  new  shirts  from  the  ladies  of 
his  section,  besides  three  spirited  subscribers  paid  him 
one  dollar  each,  of  their  four  years  subscription — a  stretch 
of  liberality  so  astounding,  that  to  this  day  the  event 
forms  one  of  the  most  interesting  legends  of  the  Sucker 
state. 

D 


38  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TUPO. 

CHAPTER  IV. 

HIS    WANDERINGS    THROUGH    THE    PRAIRIES. 

JOHN,  now  released  from  his  thraldom,  bent  his  way  to 
Chicago,  to  pursue  fortune  in  the  lake  country,  and  land- 
ing at  Peoria,  he  resolved  to  foot  it  across  the  prairies, 
to  the  head  of 'Lake  Michigan.  His  store,  as  usual,  em- 
braced a  scanty  wardrobe,  attached  to  the  end  of  a  stick, 
and  twenty  dollars  in  cash.  As  he  journeyed  on,  he  would 
occasionally  break  into  a  laugh  as  the  recollections  of 

B would    intrude  themselves  upon  his  thoughts. 

His  former  castle-building,  however,  served  to  enliven 
the  way  with  merriment,  as  foot  and  eye  travelled  into 
the  future,  and  setting  the  past  down  as  so  much  paid 
for  experience,  he  consoled  himself  with  the  thought  of 
his  youth  and  health,  snapped  his  fingers  at  care,  and 
held  himself  in  an  easy  state  of  mind  to  receive  what- 
ever fate  might  send  him.  At  the  close  of  the  second  day 
of  his  journey  he  halted  on  the  edge  of  a  prairie  at  a  small 
log  house.  A  tidy  woman  was  bustling  about  in  the  in- 
terior, and  two  children,  whose  little  faces  were  yellow 
as  saffron,  sat  listlessly  upon  the  door  sill,  playing  with 
bits  of  broken  delf.  Their  narrow  habitation  presented 
little  of  comfort  to  cheer  the  inmates  or  welcome  the 
traveller.  He  inquired  if  he  could  lodge  there,  and 
the  woman  answered  that  such  as  she  had  to  offer,  he 
was  welcome  to,  but  being  a  lonely  widow,  and  far 
from  where  any  thing  comfortable  could  be  obtained, 
she  had  but  poor  accommodations  to  offer.  Our  hero 
was  easily  pleased,  and  so  signified  to  her.  Depositing 
his  bundle  within,  he  took  the  axe  from  her  hands,  with 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  39 

which  she  was  about  to  chop  some  wood,  and  throwing 
off  his  coat,  he  prepared  the  fuel  to  cook  their  evening- 
repast,  then  seating  himself  upon  a  hickory  bottomed 
chair,  he  took  the  widow's  sickly  little  daughter  upon 
his  knee,  and  coaxed  a  smile  into  her  wan  countenance. 
The  mother  watched  the  gambols  of  her  child  with  the 
merry  stranger,  and  a  tear  of  pleasure  sparkled  in  her 
eye,  while  the  feeling  sent  a  pleasing  expression  over 
her  sad  countenance  ;  she  spoke  to  him,  too,  in  a  tone 
of  kindness  different  from  her  first  words,  because  there 
was  something  friendly  about  his  manner,  and  his  light- 
hearted  gayety  was  cheering  to  her  sorrow. 

When  the  table  was  spread,  the  corn  cakes  and  pork 
placed  upon  it,  with  some  milk,  John  seated  himself 
with  the  children  beside  him,  and  attended  to  their  little 
wants,  with  such  kindness  of  manner,  that  ere  the  meal 
had  ended,  the  little  family  began  to  imbibe  something 
of  their  guest's  gay  spirit.  As  they  gathered  around  the 
fire  that  evening,  the  widow  ventured  to  inquire  where 
her  visiter  was  from,  and  when  he  informed  her  he  was 
a  Philadelphian,  her  eyes  filled  with  tears, — that,  too, 
was  her  birthplace.  Looking  upon  the  stranger,  now,  as 
a  brother  whom  she  had  encountered  in  the  wilderness, 
she  poured  into  his  ear  her  sad  story.  Her  husband  and 
herself,  both  young,  had  started  some  years  previous 
from  Philadelphia,  for  the  west — his  object  being  to 
secure  a  home  of  his  own,  and  liking  the  spot  where 
their  cabin  stood,  they  "  squatted  ;"  all  went  cheerfully 
for  a  time,  but  sickness  soon  came,  and  the  prevailing 
fever  of  the  country  had  swept  him  away  from  her  side, 
leaving  her  far  from  the  home  of  her  childhood,  with 
two  children,  friendless  and  alone.  Sad  days  had  pass- 


40  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

ed  since  then,  and  hope  was  almost  dead  within  her. 
Beneath  a  small  hillock,  surrounded  with  a  little  paling 
of  pointed  sticks,  drove  into  the  ground  by  her  own 
hands,  reposed  the  remains  of  her  husband,  and  there 
lay  buried  all  her  hopes  for  the  future.  John  spoke 
cheeringly  to  her,  and  to  divert  her  thoughts  from  pre- 
sent sorrow,  talked  of  their  far-off  home.  The  widow's 
little  girl  nestled  in  his  lap,  her  little  hands  clasped 
around  one  of  his,  her  head  reclining  upon  his  breast, 
while  on  a  stool  at  the  mother's  side  sat  her  little  boy, 
and  thus  and  there  the  wandering  printer  called  up  a 
panorama  of  their  birthplace.  Old  Christ  Church  bells 
sounded  in  their  ears  again  a  Christmas'  peal — together 
they  wandered  by  the  Schuylkill  side  ;  or,  climbing 
Fair  Mount  hill,  looked  out  upon  the  wide-spread  city  ; 
or,  trod  again  its  streets  teeming  with  a  gay  and  busy 
populace — each  well-known  antique  habitation  or  hall, 
remembered  by  both,  was  spoken  of  with  affection,  as 
a  memento  of  happy  days — the  wide  and  dreary  prairie, 
over  which  the  autumn  wind  was  sighing  cold  and 
sadly,  was  forgotten  now — scenes  far  away  rose  like 
shadows  around  the  inhabitants  of  the  log  mansion,  and 
the  hum  of  the  old  city  drowned  the  voice  of  the  west 
wind,  as  it  moaned  around  their  dwelling.  There  was 
the  place,  and  those  the  circumstances,  in  which  home 
wore  its  most  heavenly  hue.  The  lone  widow  that 
night  thanked  Heaven  in  her  prayers,  that  one  had  been 
directed  across  her  pathway  to  cheer  her  heart  with  sweet 
remembrances  ;  and  in  her  dreams,  as  she  wandered 
again  among  the  scenes  of  childhood,  the  faces  she  met 
all  bore  resemblance  to  the  stranger — their  tones  of 
welcome  sounded  like  his,  and  a  smile,  sweet  as  ever, 


t 


•  Raising  his  hat  and  kissing  his  hand,  he  turned  down  the  slope." 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  41 

rested  upon  a  virtuous  mother's  lip ;  she  slumbered 
through  the  live  long  night  in  happiness.  The  good 
angel,  who  registers  kindness  of  mortal  to  mortal,  surely 
marked  here^credit  in  favor  of  the  typo. 

When  thei^P^pbg  sun  cast  his  golden  sheen  over 
the  rich  carpet  of  the  prairie,  John  prepared  to  depart, 
and  shaking  the  widow  by  the  hand,  he  assured  her  that 
she  should  see  home  again,  for  he  would  search  out  her 
friends  and  have  her  sent  for.  As  he  stepped  off  from 
the  house,  the  little  girl  run  after  him  for  a  farewell  kiss, 
and  taking  out  of  his  pocket  the  remainder  of  his  little 
wealth,  seventeen  dollars  in  all,  he  reserved  one  dollar 
for  his  travelling  expenses,  and  placing  his  purse,  with 
the  remaining  sixteen  dollars,  in  the  belt  of  the  child, 
sent  her  back  to  her  mother,  and  with  the  step  of  an 
emperor  strode  on  his  way.  At  the  brow  of  a  rising 
slope,  in  view  of  the  cabin,  he  turned  back  to  look,  and 
saw  the  widow  and  her  little  ones  watching  his  receding 
footsteps — raising  his  hat  and  kissing  his  hand  he  turned 
down  the  slope  and  was  soon  hidden  from  their  sight. 
Improvident  John,  to  thus  give  all  thy  store,  except  a 
trifle,  to  the  widow  and  the  orphan.  Ah,  ye  cold  and 
sordid  ones  of  earth,  a  single  thrill  such  as  played  about 
his  heart  then,  was  worth  a  mountain  of  your  money  bags. 
Contrasting  his  situation  with  the  poor  widow  whom  he 
had  just  departed  from,  he  felt  rich  as  Croesus — the 
craft  of  his  hand,  his  robust  youth,  and  a  single  dollar 
were  odds  in  his  favor  against  the  worst  circumstances. 

Two  days  more  had  passed  when  weary  and  foot-sore 
he  approached  a  small  village,  and  accosting  an  inha- 
bitant leaning  over  a  fence,  he  inquired  if  there  was  any 
chance  of  employment  in  the  neighborhood. 
6  D2 


42  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

"  Well,  Pm  of  the  opinion,  stranger,"  said  the  sucker, 
"  that  your  chance  here,  is  pretty  much  as  to  what  you 
can  do — ef  you'r  anythin'  of  a  brick  md^er,  Old  Jo 
Simms  wants  a  man  at  his  yard,  down  thar  at  the 
branch  ;  but  you  don't  look  amazin'like  a  mud  moul- 
der, hoss !" 

"  I'm  not  much  for  looks,"  said  John,  "  but  I'm 
creation  at  shaping  things,  and  as  for  bricks,  I'm  a 
whole  load  of  them — 'front  stretchers,'  at  that — made 
of  choice  clay — Father  Adam's  patent — so  just  point 
the  way  to  Jo  Simms,  and  some  day  come  over  and 
see  a  specimen  of  my  brick." 

Receiving  the  proper  direction,  down  he  went  to  the 
brick-maker's  dwelling,  where,  on  entering,  he  en- 
countered old  Mrs.  Jo  Simms,  and  a  look  at  her  good 
humored  countenance  satisfied  him,  that  an  .instalment 
on  his  new  situation,  in  the  shape  of  a  supper  and  bed, 
was  not  only  possible,  but  very  probable.  After  making 
known  his  business,  the  old  lady  surveyed  his  person, 
and  remarked — 

"  Well,  the  old  man  did  talk  of  hirin'  some  help, 
'cause  thar's  a  lot  of  brick  orders  on  hand,  and  I  sup- 
pose you  mought  do — you  look  dreadful  draggled 
though,  and  tired  as  a  prairie  team,  arter  a  hard  day's 
ploughin'." 

John  readily  assented  to  her  comment  on  his  appear- 
ance, and  asked  if  he  could'nt  have  something  to  eat 
and  a  bed,  for  he  was  both  tired  and  hungry,  after  his 
tramp  to  see  about  the  situation.  The  good  matron, 
sympathisingly,  prepared  him  a  good  supper,  and  con- 
ducted him  to  a  small,  neat  room  over  the  kitchen,  where 
a  clean  bed  and  comfortable  covering  lay  temptingly  in 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  43 

repose,  as  if  waiting  for  some  weary  body,  to  rest  it. 
This  was  no  time  to  philosophise  on  luck,  so  John 
turned  in  and  straight  addressed  himself  to  sleep — it 
came  without  coaxing,  and  as  Morpheus  wrapped  him 
in  her  poppy  robe]  it  seemed  to  him  a  covering  of  the 
softest  fur  and  brightest  hues.  His  dreams  were  peo- 
pled by  a  weary  train  of  foot  passengers,  who  toiled 
along  beneath  a  burning  sun,  with  sticks  across  their 
shoulders,  and  bundles  dangling  at  their  ends,  while 
he  seemed  drawn  on  a  chariot  of  air,  whose  delightful 
floating  motion  lulled  the  senses  into  a  soft,  dreamy 
languor — not  a  sleep  of  forgetfulness,  but  one  where 
the  brain  was  sensible  of  the  body's  enjoyment — and 
refreshing  breezes,  laden  with  the  fragrance  of  prairie 
flowers,  fanned  his  brow.  It  was  mortality  tasting  the 
repose  of  the  gods !  When  morning  broke  John  turned 
himself  on  his  couch  just  to  realise  the  truth  of  his  sit- 
uation, and  hugged  the  covering  to  his  rested  body  with 
a  lover's  fervor.  As  he  thus  lay  enjoying  the  waking 
reality,  a  conversation  in  the  kitchen  below  him  attracted 
his  attention.  The  old  lady  was  telling  her  son,  a  young 
man,  that  an  applicant  for  the  situation  of  help  in  the 
yard,  was  sleeping  above. 

"  What,  have  you  engaged  him  ?"  inquired  the 
son. 

"  No,  not  azactly  engaged  him,  but  I  gin  the  poor 
creatur'  suthin'  to  eat,  and  sent  him  to  bed,  expectin'  to 
be  engaged  in  the  rnornin' — he's  not  jest  strong  enough, 
but  appears  mity  willin'." 

« Well,  I'm  consarned  sorry  you  did  any  sich  a 
thing,"  said  he,  "  'cause  we  won't  want  a  man  for  a 
month  yit." 


44  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

"  Well,  the  creatur'  will  be  dreadfully  disappinted," 
answered  the  old  lady. 

"  Not  so  much  as  you  think,  Mrs.  Jo  Simms," 
thought  our  hero,  and  then  he  began  to  congratulate 
himself  on  his  good  fortune  : 

"  I  am  a  most  lucky  disciple  of  Faust,"  said  he, 
"  I've  had  a  supper  fit  for  a  lord,  and  a  couch  where 
the  imperial  form  of  sovereignty  might  repose  unruffled 
— and  did — for  I'm  an  august  representative  of  Ame- 
rican sovereignty !  What  next?  If  the  good  angel  of  the 
lonely  widow  and  her  little  ones  don't  now  desert  me, 
I  stand  <  a  right  smart  chance'  of  getting  a  breakfast 
into  the  bargain  ! — Well,"  concluded  John,  u  this  is  too 
much  luck  for  weak  human  nature  to  bear  easily,  so  it 
is  necessary  to  nerve  myself,  or  I  shall  be  overcome." 
Dressing  himself,  he  descended  to  the  kitchen,  and  made 
the  acquaintance  of  the  younger  Jo  Simms,  who  appeared 
very  backward  in  breaking  to  our  hero  the  sad  news  of 
his  rejection  as  help  in  the  yard.  At  length,  however, 
he  kindly  broke  the  intelligence,  and  before  John  could 
answer  he  offered  him  two  dollars  to  pay  his  expenses 
back,  and,  moreover,  invited  him  to  partake  of  the 
smoking  repast  just  preparing. 

"Say  no  more  about  it,  my  dear  sir,"  says  John, 
"  such  liberality  removes  the  pain  of  disappointment." 

It  was  refreshing  to  see  how  his  phiz  lighted  up  at  his 
luck,  and  all  parties  being  perfectly  satisfied,  they  enjoy- 
ed the  morning  meal  with  a  relish.  As  John  was  about 
to  depart,  the  good  old  dame  rolled  him  up  a  lunch  of 
short  cake,  and  he  bid  farewell  to  brick  making. 

In  a  short  time  he  arrived  at  Chicago,  where  he  ob- 
tained work  at  his  business,  but  the  exposure  he  had 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  45 

undergone  brought  on  the  fever  and  ague,  which  shook 
him  out  of  all  respect  for  Illinois,  and  he  therefore  de- 
termined to  leave  it,  so  embarking  one  bright  morning, 
he  shook  it  an  adieu  which  made  his  teeth  chatter, 
which  excitement  was  of  course  followed  by  a  most 
subduing  fever. 

On  the  fifth  day  after  their  departure  from  Chicago, 
while  crossing  the  head  of  Lake  Erie,  from  Detroit  river 
towards  Cleveland,  John  had  stretched  himself  after  a 
shake,  upon  a  settee  at  the  head  of  the  cabin,  and  in 
sight  of  the  gangway  leading  to  the  boiler  deck,  and 
while  thus  in  a  reposing  attitude  he  was  enjoying  quietly 
his  fever,  he  observed  one  of  the  hands  ascend  from 
below,  his  visage  all  begrimed  and  covered  with  a  pro- 
fuse perspiration,  and  cautiously  approach  the  captain, 
to  whom  he  whispered  something  which  produced  much 
excitement  in  the  commander's  countenance,  but  his 
manner  exhibited  no  haste.  Coolly  walking  through 
the  cabin  and  around  the  boat,  he  approached  the 
gangway  and  looked  below,  then  carefully  surveyed  the 
passengers,  as  if  to  note  whether  he  was  observed.  John, 
who  had  been  watching  his  movements,  arose  from  his 
couch  and  advanced  towards  him,  the  captain  spread 
himself  before  the  hold  to  prevent  his  seeing  below, 
whereupon  our  hero,  who  had  shrewdly  guessed  the 
cause  of  his  agitation,  whispered  in  his  ear  to  descend, 
that  he  knew  the  steamer  was  on  fire  below,  and  while 
endeavouring  to  quench  it,  he  would  divert  the  attention 
of  any  who  might  approach  the  hold.  The  captain 
thanked  him,  and  John  took  his  post.  How  dreadful 
was  their  situation,  yet  how  unconcerned  all  on  board 
walked  about,  or  lounged  upon  seats  around  the  cabin 


. 

THE 'WESTERN  .WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

arid  decks.  Beneath  them  struggled  one  destroying 
element,  and  around  them  on  either  side,  dancing  in 
the  sunbeams,  spread  another ;  while  like  a  thread  upon 
the  surface  of  the  far-off  waters  appeared  the  only  land 
in  view.  Oh,  how  the  flickering  flame  struggled  in  that 
dark  hold  for  mastery,  and  how  bravely  the  sinewy  arms 
of  its  late  masters  battled  to  get  it  again  in  bondage.  At 
one  moment  the  hissing  water  appeared  to  have  quenched 
it,  but  the  next  the  bright  flame  curled  up  far  in  by  the 
boiler  side,  and  a  fold  of  dark  smoke  would  roll  out 
derisively  in  the  face  of  its  foes.  It  was  a  contest  for 
life,  and  here  upon  the  broad  wave  the  fire  had  them  at 
fearful  odds.  In  a  short  time  the  commander  appeared 
on  deck,  very  much  agitated,  and  taking  our  hero  aside, 
he  declared  to  him  that  there  was  no  hope — the  fire  was 
increasing !  Calling  the  passengers  together,  he  informed 
them  of  their  situation,  and  opening  a  closet  distributed 
among  them  a  number  of  life  preservers,  then  ordering 
the  boats  cleared,  he  coolly  prepared  for  the  catastrophe. 
Some  of  the  passengers  grew  almost  frantic  ;  and  if  not 
prevented,  would  have  plunged  overboard  to  certain 
death  ;  others  calmly  prepared  for  the  worst,  and  some 
were  amusing  in  their  lamentations. 

"  Captin,  you'll  hev  tu  pay  right  smartly  for  that 
truck  of  mine,  if  you  git  it  spiled,"  said  a  down  easter, 
"  and  it's  jest  my  luck  tu  meet  with  sech  consarned 
ruin. — There  ain't  no  sea  sarpints  in  this  lake  as  you 
know  on,  is  there  ?  du  tell  us,  now,  afore  a  fellow's 
shoved  off." 

"  Is  it  sarpents  ?"  inquired  an  Irishman,  "  oh,  me 
darlint,  if  that  was  all  we  had  to  contind  with,  I'd  curl 
him  up  like  the  worm  uv  a  still,  wid  the  crass  I've  got, 


*HJX^|*p£«^ 

but  it's 'the  thunderin'  sharks  that'll  make  short  work    V 
uv  a  body,  and  divil  a  crass'll  pravint  thim."  ^^ 

"  Now,  these  things,"  said  Jonathan,  holding  up  a 
gum  elastic,  "they  calls  life  presarvers  ;  why,  I  swow  tu 
gracious,  if  they  aint  more  like  patent  forks,  tu  hold  a 
fellar  up,  while  the  consarned  lake  varmints  nibbles  his 
legs  off,  comfortably." 

A  large  fat  lady,  who  had  provided  herself  with  an 
enormous  sized  preserver,  was  in  a  dreadful  way  to 
know  if  her  chance  for  floating  was  at  all  probable. 

"  Why,  bless  you,  Marm,"  said  the  mate,  "  there's 
wind  enough  about  you  to  float  a  whaler." — The  fat 
lady  became  tranquil  with  this  assurance. 

It  was  now  proposed  by  the  captain,  to  cut  a  hole 
through  the  vessel's  deck,  and  pour  in  water  directly 
upon  the  fire  ;  this  being  the  only  hope  for  saving  the 
vessel,  it  was  instantly  adopted,  and  willing  hands  in 
a  few  moments  made  the  opening,  into  which  the 
boat's  hose  was  turned,  and  in  a  brief  period,  the  en- 
gineer reported  the  heat  abating.  The  spirits  of  all 
on  board  revived  on  hearing  this  intelligence,  and  a 
further  application  of  the  counter  element  removed  all 
grounds  for  fear.  As  the  horrors  of  their  late  situation 
disappeared,  the  light  house  at  the  mouth  of  Cleveland 
harbor  rose  in  view,  calming  the  fears  of  all,  and  mark- 
ing in  its  welcome  proportions  the  scene  of  rest  for  our 
wandering  hero.  What  here  chanced  to  befall  him  we 
shall  reserve  for  our  concluding  chapter. 


V  *•- 

s WESTERN  WANDERINGS  >OF  A  TYPO. 
-    .  \    -     .    \ 


CHAPTER  V. 

HIS    ENCOUNTER   WITH    OLD    FRIENDS. 

OUR  hero,  on  landing  in  Cleveland,  placed  his  bun- 
dle in  one  hand,  and  stick  in  the  other,  and  thus  leisurely 
sauntered  up  the  hill  and  through  the  main  street  of  this 
young  mart  of  trade.  Although  his  body  drooped  with 
sickness,  the  air  of  life  and  thriving  industry  which  sur- 
rounded him,  aroused  his  active  mind  to  exertion.  His 
old  companion  of  travel  resided  here,  and  now  was  a 
fitting  time  to  try  his  professions  of  regard.  While 
reading  the  sighs  along  the  street,  he  mentally  ventured 
the  opinion  that  "  Smith  &  Co."  were  doing  an  extensive 
business,  for  their  name  was  attached  to  commercial 
concerns  all  over  the  country  ;  and  as  thus  ruminating, 
another,  and  quite  as  familiar  a  name,  met  his  eye,  be- 
sides it  was  a  vastly  more  interesting  name — none  other 
than  his  old  adopted  Father's  cognomen.  He  could 
scarcely  bring  himself  to  believe  that  the  imposing  store 
before  him  was  really  occupied  by  those  who  were  so 
endeared  to  him  by  past  kindness — that  was  a  streak  of 
too  good  luck  to  be  possible  ;  nevertheless,  thinking  he 
might  gratify  himself  with  a  peep  at  the  possessor  of  so 
honored  a  name,  he  approached  the  window,  and  looked 
into  the  interior — can  it  be  ? — yes  it  is  ! — "  plain  as  a 
pipe  stem" — sure  enough,  his  old  adopted  father  stood 
before  him  !  There,  amid  the  piles  of  soles  and  uppers, 
with  spectacles  on  nose,  and  head  a  little  bald,  stood  that 
veritable  good  old  soul,  who  had  sheltered  his  infant 
years.  Time  had  not  furrowed  his  brow  with  the  chisel, 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  49 

but  his  brush  had  traced  its  easy  progress;  nor  had 
the  storm  torn  away  his  locks— the  gentle  zephyr  had 
plucked  the  silvery  threads  away  to  sport  with  them  in 
the  sunbeam.  Contentment  lingered  in  his  quiet  smile, 
and  "  well  to  do  in  the  world,"  was  legibly  written 
upon  his  portly  person.  John  entered  the  store,  and 
putting  on  the  air  of  a  purchaser,  seated  himself  upon  a 
settee,  and  held  his  foot  up  to  be  measured — the  old 
man  adjusted  his  spectacles,  kneeled  down  upon  one 
knee,  stole  a  glance  over  his  glasses  at  his  customer, 
and  commenced  taking  the  dimensions  of  our  hero's 
foot ;  but  there  was  an  indescribable  something  about 
the  face,  which  drove  the  foot  from  his  memory,  and 
while  he  was  trying  to  rake  up  from  the  past  some 
known  body  on  which  to  fix  the  head  and  face,  he  for- 
got that  he  was  holding  the  foot,  until  John  asked  him, 
if  "there  was  anything  uncommon  about  its  shape?'' 
The  old  man,  stammering  an  excuse,  started  to  his  draw- 
ers to  select  a  pair  of  the  right  size,  but  the  stranger's 
face  again  so  mixed  itself  up  with  the  figures  on  his 
strap  and  rule,  that  he  was  forced  to  return  and  measure 
the  foot  over  again.  John  observed  his  quandary,  and 
smiled  at  the  old  man's  efforts  to  recollect  him.  At  this 
moment  the  old  lady  came  to  the  door  separating  the 
shop  from  the  dwelling,  and  looking  in,  spoke  to  her 
husband  ;  our  hero  recognised  her  in  a  moment,  he  could 
not  refrain  himself,  but  springing  to  his  feet  with  a  shout, 
he  laughingly  held  out  his  arms,  exclaiming  "  Mother, 
don't  you  know  me !"  If  not  at  the  first  glance,  the 
tones  of  his  voice,  and  the  ring  of  his  merry  laughter, 
called  up  the  vivid  remembrance  of  his  boyish  days  with 
the  rapidity  of  thought,  and  throwing  herself  into  his 
arms  she  sobbed  with  joy,  as  if  he  were  in  verity  her 
7  E 


50  THE  WESTEKN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

•own  long  lost  offspring ;  the  old  man,  too,  dropping  his 
measure,  seized  our  hero ;  and  here  tears  of  true  feeling 
mingled  in  one  current — remembrances  of  the  past 
clustered  around,  and  joy,  deep  and  holy  as  dwells 
within  the  human  breast,  held  uninterrupted  revel. 

The  store  was  closed  early  that  night,  and  as  they 
were  seated  round  the  evening  meal,  John  would,  with 
sketches  of  his  past  history  since  they  parted,  at  one  mo- 
ment draw  from  them  shouts  of  merriment,  and  then  again, 
as  he  dwelt  on  some  hard  streak  of  fortune,  "beguile  them 
of  their  tears."  Oh,  it  was  a  happy  night,  that  night 
of  meeting  on  the  shore  of  the  broad  lake.  The  gay 
revel  within  sumptuous  halls  affords  no  joy  like  this,  for 
here  the  fountains  of  the  heart  danced  to  the  music  of 
affection ;  the  air  to  which  they  kept  time  was  "  past 
days,"  and  their  pure  current  swelled  into  a  flood  of 
nature's  kindliest  harmony — all  was  joy,  all  happiness. 
With  a  motherly  care,  as  in  days  of  his  childhood,  the 
old  lady  stripped  his  neck,  and  washed  away  the  dust  of 
travel,  then  conducting  him  to  a  neatly  furnished  cham- 
ber, she  kissed  him  good  night,  and  retired  to  thank  Hea- 
ven that  her  aged  eyes  had  been  permitted  to  see  him 
again.  While  our  hero  slept  happily  above,  the  old  folks 
talked  long  and  earnestly  in  the  chamber  beneath  him, 
and  before  they  closed  their  eyes  in  sleep,  resolved  that  he 
should  never  again  part  from  them.  They  had  none  in 
this  world  to  care  for,  save  him,  and  Heaven,  the  old  lady 
said,  had  sent  him  back  to  their  roof  to  be  an  honor 
and  comfort  to  their  old  age.  In  the  morning  they  awoke 
to  a  renewal  of  these  happy  feelings,  and  over  the  break- 
fast table  future  plans  were  freely  discussed.  John 
mentioned  his  travelling  acquaintance,  and  taking  the 
card  from  his  vest  pocket,  showed  it  to  his  adopted 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  51 

father,  who  immediately  recognised  the  owner  as  one 
of  his  customers,  one  of  the  most  wealthy,  and  of 
coarse,  respected  citizens  in  Cleveland.  To  visit  him 
a  new  suit  was  necessary,  and  after  the  morning  meal 
the  old  man  piloted  him  to  a  tailoring  establishment,  and 
fitted  him  from  head  to  foot  in  a  fine  suit — in  short,  he 
disguised  our  hero,  and  it  was  pleasant  to  see  with 
what  admiration  the  aged  couple  looked  through  their 
spectacles  at  the  change. 

«  I  cfe-clare  if  you  don't  look  like  a  gentleman,  when 
you're  dressed,"  said  the  old  lady. 

"  And  why  not,  mother?"  inquired  John."  It  is  the 
material  which  passes  current  for  gentility.  If  half 
mankind,  who  now  move  through  good  society  unques- 
tioned, were  placed  in  my  old  dusty  suit,  the  world  would 
never  discover  their  claims  to  the  title — no,  no !  After 
all,  your  fine  suit  is  the  world's  standard  of  a  fine 
gentleman — it  will  gain  the  owner  consideration  among 
mixed  assemblies — credit  in  the  mart  of  trade — a  high 
place  in  the  synagogue,  and  moreover,  it  is  a  general 
ticket,  entitling  its  possessor  to  the  world's  civility!" 

"Well,  bless  me!"  exclaimed  the  old  woman,  "if 
they  don't  make  a  change  in  your  talk — you're  gittin' 
right  topioftical." 

After  many  thanks  on  our  hero's  part,  and  much  ad- 
miration on  the  part  of  his  friends,  he  received  .permis- 
sion to  wander  forth  and  see  his  old  friend  of  the  road, 
to  whose  dwelling  he  was  correctly  directed  by  the  shoe 
dealer.  A  kiss  from  his  adopted  mother,  a  five  dollar 
bill  from  the  old  man,  for  pocket  money,  and  out  sallied 
John,  his  person  erect,  and  step  buoyant  with  good  for- 
tune— sickness  had  almost  fled  before  his  revived  hopes. 

The  aged  pair  stood  in  the  store  door  gazing  on  his 


52  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

manly  form,  as  he  receded  from  them,  and  a  feeling  of 
pride  glowed  in  their  hearts,  the  nearest  akin  to  a  pa- 
rent's, that  nature  will  permit.  They  knew  that  no  one 
could  rightfully  dispute  their  claim  to  him,  and  proud  in 
their  pre-emption  right,  they  retired  into  their  dwelling 
with  newly  awakened  pleasure.  Arrived  at  his  travelling 
acquaintance's  mansion,  he  looked  at  the  name  of 
"  Charles  C.  Briggs,  Attorney  at  Law,"  upon  the  door 
plate,  and  a  glance  at  the  exterior  of  the  building,  as- 
sured him-  that  the  dweller  therein  was  one  of  the  pros- 
perous class  of  his  profession.  Knocking  at  the  office 
door  in  the  basement,  he  was  bid  enter,  and  on  doing  so 
found  seated  at  a  desk,  surrounded  with  piles  of  legal 
lore,  the  same  old  gentleman  who  had  so  kindly  bid 
him  farewell  at  Wheeling.  The  recognition  was  mutual, 
and  the  old  man's  manner  truly  cordial. 

"  So,  you  found  me  out,"  said  the  attorney. 

"Yes,"  replied  John,  "but  a  precious  long  tramp 
I've  had  to  reach  you." 

His  friend  insisted  upon  his  seating  himself,  and  re- 
lating an  outline  of  his  adventures,  at  which  he  laughed 
most  heartily,  and  when  John  had  finished,  he  clapped 
him  on  the  back,  saying — 

"  You  are  a  lucky  dog — in  your  first  journey  you 
have  gathered  more  lessons  of  wisdom,  than  many 
meet  with  in  a  life  time,  and  your  mind  may  turn  them 
into  vast  profit." 

"Well,  I'd  like  to  realise  something  out  of  them," 
quietly  remarked  our  hero,  "  for  I  have  expended  all 
my  capital  in  learning  them." 

"  And  so,  you  have  found  other  friends  besides  my- 
self in  Cleveland,"  remarked  the  lawyer,  "  a  worthy 
couple  whom  I  happen  to  be  acquainted  with,  also ; 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  53 

between  us,  I  think  we  will  persuade  you  to  become  a 
fixture  of  society.  I  know  not  why,  but  I  like  you,  and 
have  often  wished  for  the  present  meeting.  Having  no 
son  of  my  own  to  assist  me  in  my  old  days,  and  con- 
tinue my  business  after  me,  I  have  felt  a  desire  to  find 
one  who  would  fill  the  vacancy  ;  your  intelligence  and 
happy  disposition,  on  our  trip,  made  me  like  you,  and 
now  I  would  fain  ripen  those  feelings  into  a  strong  bond 
of  friendship.  Gome,  you  must  dine  with  me,  and  then 
we  will  talk  of  the  future." 

John's  heart  was  swelling  with  friendship  already, 
and  he  could  almost  have  hugged  the  kind  old  lawyer, 
but  as  this  was  his  first  day  at  his  adopted  parents,  he 
was  forced  to  excuse  himself  for  the  present,  on  promise 
of  returning  on  the  morrow,  and  with  kindling  aspira- 
tions and  noble  resolves,  he  returned  to  his  parents. 
There  he  recounted  the  lawyer's  words,  and  made 
known  his  intention  of  studying  law  with  him,  which 
met  with  general  approval,  and  the  little  household  put 
on  quite  an  air  of  importance  about  its  acquisition,  while 
its  mistress  hurried  about,  chatting  with  her  new  found 
child  with  all  the  garrulousness  of  kindly  old  age. 

On  the  next  day,  John,  according  to  appointment, 
placed  his  legs  under  the  mahogany  of  his  friend,  the 
lawyer,  and  while  the  meal  progressed  he  amused  the 
company  by  relating  some  episodes  of  his  travel  and 
observation,  but  every  now  and  then,  a  strange  quietness 
might  be  observed  to  pass  over  his  demeanor,  and  his 
eyes  would  wander  furtively  to  the  other  end  of  the 
table,  where  was  seated  the  fair  daughter  of  his  host, 
whose  dark  eyes  met  his  stolen  glances,  and  sent  the 
blood  tingling  to  his  brows.  Look  another  way,  John, 
— there's  danger  in  those  dark  eyes !  What,  you,  who 

K2 


54  THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO. 

have  looked  unmoved  at  scores  of  bright  eyes,  to  trem- 
ble now  at  a  single  pair — out  upon  you — look  straight 
into  those  dark  orbs,  and  dare  their  power — now ! — 
pshaw,  man,  you  shake  and  stammer  as  if  a  battery  of 
loaded  cannon,  with  the  lighted  fusees  behind  them, 
were  pointed  at  you.  Ah,  I  see,  your  merriment  is  at 
an  end  now — busy  thoughts,  strange  dreams,  and  bright 
hopes  are  coursing  through  your  bewildered  brain.  And 
so  they  were — that  visit  had  planted  new  feelings  in  his 
breast.  He  entered  the  old  lawyer's  mansion,  as  he 
thought,  the  possessor  of  all  he  wished  on  earth — a  home, 
and  an  opportunity  to  rise — yet  here  was  aroused  a  feel- 
ing which  absorbed  all  the  rest — he  never  felt  himself 
poor  before.  Before,  he  was  the  possessor  of  a  light  heart, 
but  now  that  heart  had  been  spirited  away  by  a  felonious 
pair  of  eyes,  and  his  mind  was  racked  with  dread,  for  fear 
he  might  not  be  able  to  compromise  with  the  possessor, 
and  be  permitted  to  keep  it  company — here  was  a 
"take"  in  the  book  of  human  nature,  which  was  most 
"  fair  copy,"  and  fain  would  our  hero  take  unto  himself 
the  page.  Fear  not,  John,  all  in  good  time — the  fair 
daughter  of  your  old  friend  is  troubled,  too — a  merry 
printer  has,  by  his  gentle  manners,  and  most  winning 
address,  made  a  deep  impression  there,  and  is  sadly 
troubling  the  little  heart  of  its  fair  possessor.  She  thinks, 
she  would  like  to  forget  him,  but  in  trying  to  do  so  she 
must  think  of  what  she  would  forget,  and  thus  he  ever 
comes  uppermost  in  her  mind,  and  his  pleasing  coun- 
tenance and  coaxing  eye  gains  a  firmer  footing  in  her 
affections. 

Arrangements  were  made  before  the  lawyer  and  our 
hero  parted,  that  he  should  forthwith  commence  the 
study  of  law,  and  accordingly  he  set  himself  down  upon 


THE  WESTERN  WANDERINGS  OF  A  TYPO.  55 

uv»+*  Coke  and  Littleton,  with  the  determination  of  be- 
coming a  pillar  of  the  state.  A  most  dangerous  neigh- 
borhood he  chose  to  study  in — dangerous  f<fr  the  hasty 
progress  of  his  studies  in  legal  lore,  for  long  before  he 
was  fitted  for  a  single  degree,  as  a  student  at  the  bar, 
he  had  "become  a  professor  of  love ;  and  how  soon  he 
learned  to  look  deep  into  those  eyes,  and  read  the  mind 
within,  twine  himself  around  the  tendrils  of  the  fair  girl's 
heart,  and  plead  in  choicest  language  for  permission  to 
nestle  there  ;  and  how  the  eyes  softly  permitted  the  bold 
student  to  look,  and  then  loved  to  have  him  look,  and, 
then  consented  that  he  might  gaze  at  will — aye, for  life! 
On  a  clear  wintry  night,  while  the  wind  of  the  lake 
whistled  merrily  across  its  congealed  bosom,  and  the 
stars  were  looking  down  with  clear  faces  into  the  bright 
icy  mirror  beneath — the  sound  of  sweet  music,  and  the 
tread  of  light  feet  resounded  in  the  mansion  of  the  old 
lawyer,  by  the  broad  lake  side, — a  "  merrie  companie" 
filled  its  halls,  for  John  Earl,  the  no  longer  "  wandering 
typo,"  was  about  to  become  his  son-in-law — or,  son-in- 
love,  as  well  as  law — or  both — and  the  bright  eyes  of 
one  of  Ohio's  fairest  daughters  looked  all  confidingness 
and  love,  as  she  stood  up  before  the  assembled  throng, 
and  whispered  herself  into  his  possession.  There  was 
gay  doings  that  night  in  this  western  mansion,  and  joy 
that  age  was  a  large  partaker  of;  for  the  old  pair,  who 
sheltered  the  printer's  orphan,  years  agone,  and  miles 
away,  were  guests  within  it,  and  their  hearts  swelled 
with  pride,  as  they  looked  upon  their  adopted  cl^ild, 
and  his  fair  bride.  The  old  shoemaker  quietly  remarked 
to  his  happy  son,  that  no  maid  in  the  city  stepped  upon 
a  more  fairy  foot;  or  wore  so  small  a  shoe  ;  but  he  hoped 
to  live  long  enough,  to  make  a  smaller  size  for  the  Earl 


56  "  NOT  A  DROP  MORE,  MAJOR, 

family,  and  then  he  laughed  as  if  the  job  would  be  a  right 
merry  one,  and  the  purchaser  of  such  a  shoe,  a  favored 
customer.  * 

Time  has  progressed  since  then,  and  we  have  listened 
to  John  Earl,  Esq.,  in  the  capital  of  his  adopted  state, 
as  in  clear  tones,  and  patriotic  fervor,  he  stood  advocat- 
ing the  great  truths  of  republican  principles,  and  we  have 
listened  with  pride  and  admiration,  when  those  words 
proved  that  the  child  of  the  people,  was  the  people's 
advocate.  He  did  not,  in  his  hour  of  prosperity,  forget 
the  lonely  widow  of  the  prairie,  but  had  her  and  her 
little  ones  brought  to  Cleveland,  and  having  by  letters 
found  her  friends,  he  sent  her  home  rejoicing — the  little 
one  to  whom  he  last  bid  adieu  in  the  wilderness  still 
remembered  him,  and  with  her  little  lips  pouting  for  a 
kiss,  was  the  last  again  to  bid  him  farewell. 

We  have  traced  our  hero  to  the  end  of  his  wander- 
ings, and  leave  him  upon  the  stage  of  public  action — on 
the  road  to  eminence  ;  and  though  many  may  read  as 
though  these  words  and  scenes  were  the  coinage  of  the 
writer's  brain,  yet  let  him  assure  those  who  so  judge, 
that  there  be  such  «  streaks  of  life,"  in  the  book  of  a 
Typo's  biography. 


"NOT  A  DROP  MORE,  MAJOR,  UNLESS  IT'S 
SWEETEN'D." 

IN  a  small  village,  in  the  southern  section  of  Missouri, 
resides  a  certain  Major,  who  keeps  a  small,  cosey,  com- 
fortable little  inn,  famous  for  its  sweetened  drinks,  as 
well  as  jovial  landlord ;  and  few  of  the  surrounding 


UNLESS  IT'S  SWEETEN'D.  57 

farmers  visit  the  neighborhood,  without  giving  the 
Major  a  friendly  call,  to  taste  his  mixtur*.  The  gay 
host,  with  jolly  phiz,  round  person,  bright  eye,  and 
military  air,  deals  out  the  rations,  spiced  with  jokes, 
which,  if  they  are  not  funny,  are  at  least  laughed  at, 
for  the  Major  enjoys  them  so  vastly  himself,  that  his 
auditors  are  forced  to  laugh,  out  of  pure  sympathy. 

A  good  old  couple,  who  resided  about  six  miles  from 
the  Major's,  for  a  long  period  had  been  in  the  habit  of 
visiting  him  once  a  month,  and  as  regularly  went  home 
dreadfully  sweetened  with  the  favorite  mixtur'-,  but  of 
late,  we  learn,  the  amicable  relations  existing  between 
the  Major  and  his  old  visitors  have  been  broken  off  by 
green-eyed  jealousy.  On  the  last  visit,  good  cause  was 
given  for  an  end  being  put  to  any  more  "sweet  drinking." 

"  Uncle  Merril,  how  are  you,  any  how,"  was  the 
Major's  greeting,  "and  I  declare  if  the  Missus  aint  with 
you,  too" — just  as  if  he  expected  she  wouldn't  come. 
"  What '11  you  take  Missus  ?  shall  I  sweeten  you  a  little 
of  about  the  best  Cincinnati  rectified  that  ever  was  toted 
into  these  'ere  parts? — it  jest  looks  as  bright  as  your 
eyes!"  and  here  the  Major  winked  and  looked  so  sweet 
there  was  no  resisting,  and  she  did  take  a  little  sweeten'd. 

The  hours  flew  merril-ly  by,  and  evening  found  the 
old  couple  so  overloaded  with  sweets,  that  it  was  with 
great  difficulty  they  could  be  seated  on  the  old  grey 
mare,  to  return  home  ;  but,  after  many  a  kind  shake 
from  the  host,  and  just  another  drop  of  his  sweeten'd, 
off  they  jogged,  see-sawing  from  side  to  side  on  the 
critter,  the  old  lady  muttering  her  happiness,  and  the 
old  man  too  full  to  find  words  to  express  himself. 

"  Sich  another  man  as  that  Major,"  says  she,  "  ain't 
nowhere — and  sich  a  mixtur'  as  he  does  -make,  is 
8 


58  "  NOT  A  DROP  MORE,  MAJOR,"  ETC. 

temptin'  to  temperance  lecturers.  He  is  an  amazin* 
nice  man,  and,  if  any  thing,  he  sweetens  the  last  drop 
better  than  the  first.  Good  gracious  !  what  a  pleasin' 
creatur'  he  is !" 

Ever  and  anon  these  enconiums  on  the  Major  and 
his  mixture  broke  from  the  old  lady,  until  of  a  sud- 
den, on  passing  a  small  rivulet,  a  jolt  of  the  mare's 
silenced  them,  and  the  old  man  rode  on  a  short  distance 
in  perfect  quietness.  At  length  he  broke  out  with — 

"Old  woman,  you  and  that  'ere  Major's  conduct, 
to-day,  war  rayther  unbecomin' — his  formalities  war 
too  sweet  to  be  mistook,  and  you  ain't  goin'  thar  agin 
in  a  hurry." 

Silence,  was  the  only  answer. 

"Oh,  you're  huffy,  are  you  ?"  continued  the  old  man. 
"Well,  I  guess  you  can  stay  so,  till  you  give  in," 
and  on  he  jogged,  in  a  silently  jealous  mood.  On  ar- 
riving at  the  farm,  he  called  to  a  negro  to  lift  the  old 
woman  off,  but  Sam,  the  nigger,  stood  gazing  at  him 
in  silent  astonishment. 

"Lift  her  off',  you  Sam,  do  you  hear? — and  do  it 
carefully,  or  some  of  her  wrath'll  bile  out.  In  -spite  of 
the  Major's  sweetenin'  she's  mad  as  thunder." 

"  Why,  de  lor',  massa,  de  ole  'oman  aint  dar,"  re- 
plied Sam,  his  eyes  standing  out  of  his  countenance. 
"Jest  turn  round,  massa,  and  satisfy  you'self  dat  de 
ole  'oman  clar  gone  an  missin — de  lor*  /" 

And  sure  enough,  on  a  minute  examination  by  the 
old  man,  she  was  "  found  missing."  The  Major  was 
charged  at  once  with  abduction,  instant  measures  were 
taken  for  pursuit,  and  a  party  despatched  to  scour  the 
roads.  On  proceeding  about  two  miles  on  the  road  to 
the  Major's,  the  party  were  suddenly  halted  at  the  small 


,  NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL.  59 

rivulet,  by  finding  the  Missus  with  her  head  lying  partly 
in  the  little  stream,  its  waters  laving  her  lips,  and  softly 
murmuring — >«Not  a  drop  more,  Major,  unless  it's 
sweetened  /" 


NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL; 

OR,   BETSY    JONES5    TUMBLE    IN    THE    MUSH    PAN. 

"  WELL,  it  are  a  fact,  boys,"  said  Jim  Sikes,  "  that  I 
promised  to  tell  you  how  I  cum  to  git  out  in  these 
Platte  diggins,  and  I  speculate  you  mout  as  well  have  it 
at  onst,  kase  its  bin  troublin'  my  conscience  amazin'  to 
keep  it  kiver'd  up.  The  afarr  raised  Jessy  in  Nettle 
Bottom,  and  old  Tom  Jones'  yell,  when  he  swar  he'd 
<  chaw  me  up,'  gives  my  meat  a  slight  sprinklin'  of  ager 
whenever  I  think  on  it. 

"  You  see,  thar  wur  a  small  town  called  Equality,  in 
Illinise,  that  some  speckelators  started  near  Nettle  Bot- 
tom, cos  thar  wur  a  spontaneos  salt  lick  in  the  diggins, 
and  no  sooner  did  they  git  it  agoin'  and  build  some  stores 
and  groceries  thar,  than  they  wagon' d  from  Cincinnati 
and  other  up-stream  villages,  a  pacel  of  fellers  to  attend 
the  shops,  that  looked  as  nice,  all'ays,  as  if  they  wur 
goin'  to  meetin'  or  on  a  courtin'  frolic;  and  c  salt  their 
picters.,'  they  wur  etarnally  pokin'  up  their  noses  at  us 
boys  of  the  Bottom.  Well,  they  got  up  a  ball  in  the 
village,  jest  to  interduce  themselves  to  the  gals  round 
the  neighborhood,  and  invited  a  few  on  us  to  make  a 
contrary  picter  to  themselves,  and  so  shine  us  out  of 
site  by  comparison.  Arter  that  ball  thur  wan't  any 
thin'  talked  on  among  the  gals  but  what  nice  fellers  the 


60  NETTLE  BOrTOM  BALA- 

clerks  in  Equality  wur,  and  how  nice  and  slick  they 
wore  their  har,  and  their  shiny  boots,  and  the  way  they 
stirrupp'd  down  their  trowsers.  You  couldn't  go  to 
see  one  on  'em,  that  she  wouldn't  stick  one  of  these 
fellers  at  you,  and  keep  a  talkin'  how  slick  they  looked. 
It  got  to  be  parfect  pizen  to  hear  of,  or  see  the  critters, 
and  the  boys  got  together  at  last  to  see  what  was  to  be 
done — the  thing  had  grown  parfectly  alarmin'.  At  last 
a  meetin'  was  agreed  on,  down  to  old  Jake  Bents'. 

"  On  next  Sunday  night,  instead  of  takin'  the  gals  to 
meetin',  whar  they  could  see  these  fellers,  we  left  'em 
at  home,  and  met  at  Jake's,  and  I  am  of  the  opinion 
thur  was  some  congregated  wrath  thar — whew  wan't 
they  ? 

"  <  Oil  and  scissors!'  says  Mike  Jelt,  < let's  go  down 
and  lick  the  town,  rite  strait  /' 

«  <No!'  hollered  Dick  Butts,  'let's  kitch  these  slick 
badgers  comin'  out  of  meetin',  and  tare  the  hide  and 
feathers  off  on  'em!' 

"  <  Why,  darn  'em,  what  d've  think,  boys,'  busted 
in  old  Jake,  <  I  swar  if  they  ain't  larnt  our  gals  to  wear 
starn  cusMns ;  only  this  mornin'  I  caught  my  darter 
Sally  puttin'  one  on  and  tyin'  it  round  her.  She  tho't 
I  was  asleep,  but  Iseed  her,  and  I  made  the  jade  re- 
pudiate it,  and  no  mistake — quicker  /' 

cc  The  boys  took  a  drink  on  the  occasion,  and 
Equality  town  was  slumberin',  for  a  short  spell,  over  a 
con-tiguous  yearthquake.  At  last  one  of  the  boys  pro- 
posed, before  we  attacked  the  town,  that  we  should  git 
up  a  ball  in  the  Bottom,  and  jest  out-shine  the  town 
chaps,  all  to  death,  afore  we  swallowed  'em.  It  was 
hard  to  gin  in  to  this  proposition,  but  the  boys  cum  to 
it  at  last,  and  every  feller  started  to  put  the  afarr  agoin'. 


NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL.  61 

« I  had  been  a  long  spell  hankerin'  arter  old  Tom 
Jones'  darter,  on  the  branch  below  the  Bottom,  and  she 
was  a  critter  good  for  weak  eyes — maybe  she  hadn't  a 
pair  of  her  own — well,  if  they  warn't  a  brace  of  movin' 
light-houses,  I  wouldn't  say  it — there  was  no  calculatin' 
the  extent  or  handsomeness  of  the  family  that  gal  could 
bring  up  around  her,  with  a  feller  like  me  to  look  arter 
'em.  Talk  about  gracefulness,  did  you  ever  see  a 
maple  saplin'  movin'  with  a  south  wind?— It  warn't  a 
crooked  stick  to  compar'  to  her,  but  her  old  dad  wras 
awful.  He  could  jest  lick  anythin'  that  said  600,  in 
them  diggins,  out  swar  Satan,  and  was  cross  as  a  she 
6ar,  with  cubs.  He  had  a  little  hankerin'  in  favor  of 
the  fellers  in  town,  too,  fur  they  gin  him  presents  of 
powder  to  hunt  with,  and  he  was  precious  fond  of  usin' 
his  shootin'  iron.  I  detarmin'd,  anyhow,  to  ask  his  dar- 
ter Betsy  to  be  my  partner  at  the  Nettle  Bottom  Ball. 

"  Well,  my  sister  Marth  made  me  a  bran  new  pair 
of  buckskin  trowsers  to  go  in,  and  rile  my  pictur,  ef  she 
didn't  put  stirrups  to  'em  to  keep  'em  down.  She  said 
straps  wur  the  fashion,  and  I  should  ware  'em.  I  jest 
felt  with*'em  on,  as  ef  I  had  somethin'  pressin'  on  me 
down — all  my  joints  wur  sot  tight  together,  but  Marth 
insisted,  and  I  knew  I  could  soon  dance  'em  off,  so  I 
gin  in,  and  started  off  to  the  branch  for  Betsy  Jones. 

"  When  I  arriv,  the  old  fellar  wur  sittin'  smokin'  arter 
his  supper,  and  the  younger  Jones'  wur  sittin'  round 
the  table,  takin'  theirs.  A  whappin'  big  pan  of  mush 
stood  rite  in  the  centre,  and  a  large  pan  of  milk  beside 
it,  with  lots  of  corn  bread  and  butter,  and  Betsy  was 
helpin'  the  youngsters,  while  old  Mrs.  Jones  sot  by, 
admirin'  the  family  collection.  Old  Tom  took  a  hard 
star'  at  me,  and  I  kind  a  shook,  but  the  straps  stood  it, 

F 


62  NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL. 

and  I  recovered  myself,  and  gin  him  as  good  as  he  sent, 
but  I  wur  near  the  door,  and  ready  to  break  if  he  show'd 
fight. 

"  <  What  the  h — 11  are  you  doin'  in  disgisej  says  the 
old  man — he  swore  dreadfully — <  are  you  comin'  down 
here  to  steal?' 

"  I  riled  up  at  that.  Says  I,  <  ef  I  wur  comin'  fur  sich 
purpose,  you'd  be  the  last  I'd  hunt  up  to  steal  off  on.' 

"  <•  You're  right,'  says  he,  <  I'd  make  a  hole  to  light 
your  innards,  ef  you  did.'  And  the  old  savage  chuckled. 
J  meant  because  he  had  nothin'  worth  stealin',  but  his 
darter,  but  he  tho't  'twas  cos  I  was  afear'd  on  him. 

"  Well,  purty  soon  I  gether'd  up  and  told  him  what 
I  cum  down  fur,  and  invited  him  to  come  up  and  take 
a  drink,  and  see  that  all  went  on  rite.  Betsy  was  in  an 
awful'  way  fur  fear  he  wouldn't  consent.  The  old 
'oman  here  spoke  in  favour  of  the  move,  and  old  Tom 
thought  of  the  licker,  and  gin  in  to  the  measure.  Off 
bounced  Betsy  up  a  ladder  into  the  second  story,  and 
one  of  the  small  gals  with  her,  to  help  put  on  the  fix- 
ups.  I  sot  down  in  a  cheer,  and  fell  a  talkin'  at  the  old 
'oman.  While  we  wur  chattin'  away  as  nice  as  rela- 
tions, I  could  hear  Betsy  makin'  things  stand  round 
above.  The  floor  was  only  loose  boards  kivercd  over 
wide  joice,  and  every  step  made  'em  shake  and  rattle 
like  a  small  hurricane.  Old  Tom  smoked  away  and 
the  young  ones  at  the  table  would  hold  a  spoonful  of 
mush  to  thur  mouths  and  look  at  my  straps,  and  then 
look  at  each  other  and  snigger,  till  at  last  the  old  man 
seed  'eru. 

"  <  Well,  by  gun  flints,'  says  he,  <  ef  you  ain't  makin' 
a  josey ' 

"  Jest  at  that  moment,  sometmV  gin  way  above,  and 


NETTLE  BOTTOM  BALL.  63 

may  I  die,  ef  Betsy,  without  any  thin'  on  yearth  on  her 
but  one  of  these  starn  cushins,  didn't  drop  rite  through 
the  floor,  and  sot  herself,  fiat  into  the  pan  of  mush  ! 
I  jest  tho't  fur  a  second,  that  heaven  and  yearth  had 
kissed  each  other,  and  squeezed  me  between  'em. 
Betsy  squealed  like  a  'scape  pipe, — a  spot  of  the  mush 
had  spattered  on  the  old  man's  face,  and  burnt  him, 
and  he  swore  dreadful.  I  snatched  up  the  pan  of  milk, 
and  dashed  it  over  Betsy  to  cool  her  off, — the  old  'oman 
knocked  me  sprawlin'  fur  doing  it,  and  away  went  my 
straps.  The  young  ones  let  out  a  scream,  as  if  the 
infarnal  pit  had  broke  loose,  and  I'd  jest  gin  half  of  my 
hide  to  have  bin  out  of  the  old  man's  reach.  He  did 
reach  fur  me,  but  I  lent  him  one  with  my  half-lows,  on 
the  smeller,  that  spread  him,  and  maybe  I  didn't  leave 
sudden!  I  didn't  see  the  branch,  but  as  I  soused 
through  it,  I  heerd  Tom  Jones  swar  he'd  <  chaw  me  up, 
ef  an  inch  big  of  me  was  found  in  them  diggins  in  the 
mornin'. 

"  I  did'nt  know  fur  a  spell  whar  I  was  runnin',  but 
hearing  nuthin'  behind  me,  I  slacked  up,  and  jest  con- 
sidered whether  it  was  best  to  go  home  and  git  my 
traps  strait,  and  leave,  or  go  see  the  ball.  Bein'  as  I 
was  a  manager,  I  tho't  I'd  go  have  a  peep  through  the 
winder,  to  see  ef  it  cum  up  to  my -expectations.  While 
I  was  lookin'  at  the  boys  goin'  it,  one  on  'em  spied  me, 
and  they  hauled  me  in,  stood  me  afore  the  fire,  to  dry, 
and  all  hands  got  round,  insistin'  on  knowin'  what  was 
the  matter.  I  ups  and  tells  all  about  it.  I  never  heerd 
such  laffin',  hollerin',  and  screamin',  in  all  my  days. 

"  Jest  then,  my  trowsers  gin  to  feel  the  Tire,  and 
shrink  up  about  an  inch  a  minit,  and  the  boys  and  gals 
kept  it  up  so  strong,  laffin  at  my  scrape,  and  the  pickle 


64 

I  wur  in,  that  I  gin  to  git  riley,  when  all  at  onst  I  seed 
one  of  these  slick  critters,  from  town,  rite  in  among'  em, 
hollerin'  wuss  than  the  loudest. 

"  <Old  Jones  said  he'd  chaw  you  up,  did  he?'  says 
the  town  feller,  <  well,  he  aWays  keeps  his  word.' 

"  That  minit  I  biled  over.  I  grabbed  his  slick  har, 
and  may  be  I  didn't  gin  him  scissors  !  Jest  as  I  was 
makin'  him  a  chawed  specimen,  some  feller  holler'd  out, 
— <  don't  let  old  Jones  in  with  that  ar  rifle,  /'  I  didn't 
hear  any  more  in  that  Bottom, — lightnin'  could'nt  a  got 
near  enough  to  singe  my  coat  tail.  I  jumped  through 
that  winder  as  easy  as  a  bar  'ud  go  through  a  cane 
brake ;  and  cuss  me  if  I  could'nt  hear  the  grit  of  old 
Jones'  teeth,  and  smell  his  glazed  powder,  until  I  crossed 
old  Massissippi." 


A  "CAT"  STOEY, 

WHICH   MUST    NOT   BE    C  UR-T  AI  LED. 

BEN  SNAGGLETREE  seated  himself  in  our  society  the 
other  day,  overburdened  with  a  Mississippi  yarn,  which 
embraced  one  of  his  hair  breadth  'scapes,  and  which  he 
had  resolved  on  relieving  his  memory  of,  by  having  it 
chronicled. 

Ben  was  an  old  Mississip'  roarer — none  of  your  half 
and  half,  but  just  as  native  to  the  element,  as  if  he  had 
been  born  in  a  broad  horn.  He  said  he  had  been 
fotched  up  on  the  river's  brink,  and  "  knew  a  snappin' 
turtle  from  a  snag,  without  larnin'." 

"  One  night,"  says  Ben,  "  about  as  dark  as  the  face 
of  Cain,  and  as  unruly  as  if  the  elements  had  been  untied, 
and  let  loose  from  their  great  Captain's  command,  I 


65 

was  on  the  old  Mississippi ;  it  was,  in  short,  a  night  ugly 
enough  to  make  an}'  natural  born  Christian  think  of  his 
prayers,  and  a  few  converted  saints  tremble — I  walked 
out  upon  the  steam  boat  <  guard'  to  cool  off  from  the 
effects  of  considerable  liquor  doin's,  participated  in 
during  the  day,  but  had  scacely  reached  the  side  of  the 
boat,  when  she  struck  a  snag,  and  made  a  lurch,  throw- 
ing me  about  six  feet  into  the  drink.  I  was  sufficiently 
cool,  stranger,  when  I  came  to  the  surface,  but  I  had 
nigh,  in  a  short  time,  set  the  Mississippi  a  bilin',  my 
carcase  grew  so  hot  with  wrath  at  observing  the  old  boat 
wending  her  way  up  stream,  unhurt,  while  I,  solitary, 
unobserved,  and  alone,  was  floating  on  the  old  father  of 
waters.  I  swam  to  the  head  of  a  small  island,  some 
distance  below  where  we  struck,  and  no  sooner  touched 
ground  than  I  made  an  effort  to  stand  erect.  You  may 
judge  of  my  horror  on  discovering  my  landing  place 
to  be  a  Mississippi  mud-bar,  and  about  as  firm  as  quick- 
sand, into  which  I  sunk  about  three  feet  in  a  moment. 

"  All  was  dark  as  a  stack  of  black  cats — no  object 
visible  save  the  lights  of  the  receding  boat — no  sound 
smote  upon  the  ear  but  the  lessening  blow  of  the  'scape 
pipe,  and  the  plashing  of  the  surrounding  waters  ; — the 
first  sounded  like  the  farewell  voice  of  hope,  while  the 
latter,  in  its  plashing  and  purling,  was  like  to  the  jab- 
bering of  evil  spirits,  exulting  over  an  entrapped  victim. 

"  I  attempted  to  struggle,  but  that  sunk  me  faster. 
I  cried  out,  but  fancied  that,  too,  forced  me  deeper  into 
my  yielding  grave  ;  ere  daylight  dawned  I  felt  sure  of 
being  out  of  sight,  and  the  horrid  thought  of  thus  sink- 
ing into  eternity  through  a  mud-gate,  made  every  hair 
stand  <  on  its  own  hook,'  and  forced  my  heart  to  patter 
against  my  ribs  like  a  trip-hammer.  I  had  been  in  many 
9  r2 


66  A  "CAT"  STORY. 

a  scrape,  but  I  considered  this  the  nastiest,  and  made 
up  my  mind  that  the  ball  of  yarn  allotted  to  me  was 
about  being  spun  out — my  cake  was  all  mud  !  I  pro- 
mised old  Mississippi,  if  permitted  to  escape  this  time, 
I  would  lick  anythin'  human  that  said  a  word  agin  her ; 
but  it  was  no  use — she  was  sure  of  me  now,  and,  like 
old  <  bare  bones'  to  an  expiring  African,  she  held  on, 
and  deeper,  and  deeper  I  sunk.  In  a  short 'time  I  was 
forced  to  elevate  my  chin  to  keep  out  of  my  mouth  an 
over-supply  of  the  temperance  liquid,  which  was  flowing 
so  coaxingly  about  my  lips.  My  eyebrows  were  starting, 
my  teeth  set,  and  hope  had  wasted  to  a  misty  shadow, 
when  something  touched  me  like  a  floating  solid ;  I  in- 
stantly grasped  it — it  slid  through  my  hands — all  but 
the  tail — which  I  clung  to  with  a  grip  of  iron. 

"I  soon  discovered  I  had  made  captive  a  mammoth 
catty,  huge  enough  to  be  the  patriarch  of  his  tribe,  and 
a  set  of  resolutions  were  quickly  adopted  in  my  mind, 
that  he  couldn't  travel  further  without  company.  A 
desperate  start  and  vigorous  wiggle  to  escape  was  made 
by  my  friend,  the  catty ,  but  there  was  six  feet  in  length 
of  desperation  attached  to  his  extremity,  that  could 
neither  be  coaxed  or  shook  off.  Soon  succeeded  an- 
other start,  and  out  I  came  like  a  cork  from  a  bottle. 
Oflf  started  the  fish,  like  a  comet,  and  after  him  I  went, 
a  muddy  spark  at  the  end  of  his  tail.  By  a  dexterous 
twist  of  his  rudder,  I  succeeded  in  keeping  him  on  the 
surface,  and  steered  him  to  a  solid  landing,  where  I  let 
him  loose,  and  we  shook  ourselves,  mutually  pleased  at 
parting  company." 

"That  will  do,  Ben,"  said  we,  "all  but  the  te7." 
"Tail  and  all,  or  none !"  said  Ben,  so    here  you 
have  it.     Ben  swears  he'll  father  it  himself." 


A  SPIRITUAL  SISTEK. 

HER  ENCOUNTER  WITH  A  DOUBTFUL  SMITH. 

«  THERE  goes  Smith,  the  Attorney,"  said  a  man  to 
his  friend;  as  a  tall  figure,  slightly  stooped,  hurried  by 
them. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,"  answered  the  friend,  "  that  is 
the  Rev.  Mr.  Smith,  a  preacher,  I  have  heard  him  in 
Tennessee." 

"  Well  that's  curious,"  replied  the  first,  "  for  I'd 
swear  I  have  heard  him  plead  at  the  bar." 

"  Good  morning  Sol.,  how  are  you?"  salutes  another, 
as  he  hurries  by  a  group  of  citizens. 

"  What  did  you  call  him  ?"  inquired  one  of  the  party. 

"Why,  Sol.  Smith,  was  the  answer — old  Sol.,  the 
manager  of  the  theatre,  to-be-sure ;  who  did  you  sup- 
pose it  was  ? — I  thought  you  knew  him — every  body 
knows  old  *Sb//" 

"  Well  that  is  funny,"  answered  the  second,  "for  Fll 
swear  he  officiated  as  a  physician  on  board  our  boat." 

"Well  who  the  d— lishe?" 

This  question  was  asked  so  frequently  on  board  of  a 
boat,  recently,  that  those  who  didn't  know  became 
quite  feverish,  and  those  who  did,  kept  dark  to  watch 
for  a  joke.  Sol.  had  purchased  a  new  hat — venerably 
broad  in  brim,  of  saintly  and  unostentatious  height  in 
crown,  and  it 'was  easy  to  see  that  this  new  beaver  was 
brewing  him  trouble.  We  feel  almost  inclined  here  to 
go  into  a  disquisition  upon  hats,  and  the  evils  they 
have  entailed,  for  who  has  not  suffered,  and  been 

67 


68  A  SPIRITUAL  SISTER. 

thrust  out  of  the  pale  of  good  living,  or  cut  in  the 
street — or  taken  for  a  loafer,  and  asked  by  some  dandy 
to  hold  his  horse,  or  by  some  matron  to  carry  home 
her  market  basket,  and  all  because  of  a  "  shocking  bad 
hat."  An  "  old  hat"  is,  in  fact,  dangerous — so  is  a  new 
one  of  a  peculiar  shape — so  was  Sol.'s  broad  brimmer. 

On  board  the  steamer  was  a  Mormon  sister,  on  her 
way  from  down  east  to  the  holy  city  of  Nauvoo,  and 
many  and  anxious  were  her  inquiries  if  any  brother  of 
the  church  was  on  board  ?  None  were  able  to  inform 
her.  At  length  the  captain,  at  table,  inquired  : 

"  Shall  I  help  you  to  a  little  of  this  roast  beef,  Mr. 
Smith?" 

"  Thank  you,  a  small  piece,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Smith,"  said  the  sister,  "  Smith,  that's  a  member, 
jest  as  shure  as  shutin' ;  I'll  get  interduced  tu  him  arter 
a  spell,  and  I  reckon  he'll  turn  eout  tu  be  a  shure 
enough  brother." 

"Arter  a  spell"  she  did,  through  the  kindness  of  the 
captain,  get  an  introduction  to  him,  and  was  previously 
informed  by  the  commander,  that  Sol.  was  not  only  a 
shure  enough  Mormon,  but  an  elder — in  fact  a  Smith  ! 
Sol.,  as  usual,  was  courteous  and  affable  as  when  intro- 
duced to  little  Vic.,  at  the  court  of  St.  James,  and  the 
sister  was  "  tickled  all  tu  death"  at  the  idea  of  falling 
in  with  so  pleasant  an  elder.  She  was  a  little  ancient, 
but  buxom,  and  Sol.  felt  flattered  by  her  singling  him 
out  for  an  acquaintance. 

"  I'd  a  know'd  in  a  minit  that  you  was  a  member  of 
the  church  by  your  countenance  and  your  hat,  Brother 
Smith,  you  do  look  so  saintly." 

"Yes,  Ma'm,"  answered  he,  "most  people  take  me 
for  a  member." 


'•  I  was  a  thinkin'  if  you  hadn't  chosen  a— he-he-he— a  sister,  why—" 


A  SPIRITUAL  SISTER.  69 

«  There's  ony  one  thing,  Brother  Smith,  which  appears 
rayther  queer  about  our  church,"  said  she,  looking  mo- 
destly at  Sol.,  and  biting  the  corner  of  her  handkerchief, 
"and  that's  the  <  new  system'  they  have  interduced." 

"Why,  yes, — y-e-s,"  said  Sol.,  at  fault,  "  <  new 
systems'  do  trouble  the  church  a  good  deal." 

"  Law,  Brother  Smith,  do  you  think  the  <  speritiial 
system'  a  trouble  ?" 

"  Well,  no,  not  exactly,  if  it's  a  good  spiritual 
teaching,"  answered  he,  "  it's  only  the  false  doctrines 
that  are  evil." 

"  Well,  that's  jest  what  Elder  Adams  sed  down  in 
eour  parts,  and  he  ses  that  it  was  speritually  revealed  tu 
the  Prophet  Joseph,  your  brother,  and  I  was  jest  a 
thinkin',"  and  here  she  spread  her  handkerchief  over 
her  face,  and  twisted  her  head  to  one  side, — "I  was  a 
thinkin'  if  you  hadn't  chosen  a — he-he-he  ! — a  sister, 
why," 

"  We're  at  a  landing,  Ma'rn,  excuse  me  for  a  mo- 
merit,"  and  off  shot  Sol.  to  his  state  room,  where  he 
seized  a  pair  of  well  worn  saddle-bags,  and  his  old  hat, 
which  he  had  thus  far  carried  with  him,  intending  to 
have  it  brushed  up,  and  started  for  the  gang-way  plank. 
The  captain  met  him  in  his  haste,  and  inquired  where 
he  was  going  ? 

"  Why,  captain,"  says  Sol.,  "  I  like  your  boat  vastly, 
and  you  know  I  like  you,  but  there  might  be  a  <  blow7 
up'  if  I  stayed  on  board  much  longer." 

"Explain,"  says  the  captain. 

"  Why,  the  fact  is,"  said  Sol.,  "  that  lady  you  intro- 
duced me  to  has  taken  me  for  the  Mormon  Smith ;  now, 
I'm  a  good  many  Smith's  when  my  family  and  titles 


70  HOSS  ALLEN'S  APOLOGY. 

are  all  collected,  but  I  aint  that  Smith !  Just  tell  her  so 
for  me,  and  give  her  my  <  old  hat' — it's  the  best  I  can 
do  for  her."  We  needn't  add  that  Brother  Smith  was 
straightway  among  the  missing! 


BOSS  ALLEN'S  APOLOGY; 

OR,  THE  CANDIDATE'S  NIGHT  IN  A  MUSQUITO  SWAMP  ! 

"WELL,  old  fellow,  you're  a  hoss  /"  is  a  western  ex- 
pression, which  has  grown  into  a  truism  as  regards 
Judge  Allen,  and  a  finer  specimen  of  a  western  judge, 
to  use  his  constituents'  language,  "  aint  no  whar,"  for, 
besides  being  a  sound  jurist,  he  is  a  great  wTag,  and 
the  best  practical  joker  within  the  circuit  of  six  states. 
Among  the  wolf- scalp  hunters  of  the  western  border  of 
Missouri,  Judge,  or,  as  they  more  familiarly  style  him, 
Hoss  Allen  is  all  powerful  popular,  and  the  "  bar'' 
hunters  of  the  southern  section  equally  admire  his  free 
and  easy  manners — they  consider  him  one  of  the  people 
— none  of  your  stuck-up  imported  chaps  from  the  dandy 
states,  but  a  real  genuine  westerner — in  short,  a  hoss  ! 
Some  of  the  Judge's  admirers  prevailed  upon  him,  re- 
cently, to  stand  a  canvass  for  the  gubernatorial  chair,  in 
which  he  had  Judge  Edwards  for  an  antagonist,  and 
many  are  the  rich  jokes  told  of  their  political  encounters. 
A  marked  difference  characterizes  the  twro  men,  and 
more  striking  opposites  in  disposition  and  demeanor 
would  be  hard  to  find,  Edwards  being  slow,  dignified, 
and  methodical,  while  Hoss  tosses  dignity  to  the  \vinds, 
and  comes  right  down  to  a  free  and  easy  familiarity 
with  the  "boys."  Hoss  Allen  counted  strong  on  the 


71 

border  counties,  while  his  antagonist  built  his  hopes  on 
the  centre* 

Allen  and  Edwards  had  travelled  together  for  a 
number  of  days,  explaining  their  separate  views  upon 
state  government,  at  each  regular  place  of  appointment, 
and  were  now  nearing  the  southern  part  of  the  state, 
a  section  where  Hoss  had  filled  the  judgeship  with  great 
unction.  Here  he  resolved  to  spring  a  joke  upon  his 
antagonist,  which  would  set  the  south  laughing  at  him, 
and  most  effectually  insure  his  defeat  among  the  bar 
hunters.  He  had  been  maturing  a  plan,  as  they  jour- 
neyed together,  and  now  having  stopped  for  the  night 
about  one  day's  journey  from  the  town  of  Benton,  one 
of  their  places  of  appointment,  and  the  head  quarters  of 
the  most  influential  men  of  the  bar  section,  Hoss  pro- 
ceeded to  put  his  trick  in  progress  of  execution.  He 
held  a  secret  conference,  at  the  stable,  with  the  boy 
who  took  his  horse,  and  offered  him  a  dollar  to  take  a 
message  that  night  to  Tom  Walters,  at  the  forks  lead- 
ing to  Benton.  The  boy  agreed,  and  Hoss  penciled  a 
note  describing  his  antagonist,  who  was  unknown  in 
the  south  of  the  state,  coupled  with  an  earnest  request, 
that  he  "would  keep  a  look  out  for  Judge  Eddards, 
and  by  all  means  be  careful  not  to  let  him  get  into  that 
cussed  cedar  swamp  /"  His  express  was  faithful,  and  in 
due  time  Tom  received  the  missive.  In  the  meantime, 
the  victim,  Edwards,  in  a  sweet  state  of  confidence, 
was  unbending  his  dignity  at  hearing  Hoss  relate  to 
their  host  his  amusing  yarns  about  the  early  settlers. 
Having  talked  all  the  household  into  a  merry  mood,  he 
proposed  turning  in  for  the  night,  but  first  offered  his 
service  to  unlace  the  girls'  corsets,  and  in  an  under- 
breath  asked  the  old  woman  to  elope  with  him  in  the 


72  HOSS  ALLEN'S  APOLOGY. 

morning — Edwards  blushed  at  this,  the  girls  tittered, 
and  the  host  and  his  wife  said,  he  was  a  "  raal  hoss  /" 
— Allen  acknowledged  he  was  a  leetle  inclined  that  way, 
and  as  he  had  had  his  feed,  he  now  wanted  his  straw. 

In  the  morning  Hoss  Allen  became  "dreadful  poorly," 
and  it  was  with  great  difficulty  he  could  be  prevailed 
upon  to  get  up.  All  were  sympathising  with  his  afflic- 
tion, and  the  matron  of  the  house  boiled  him  some  hot 
"  sass-tea,"  which,  the  old  man  said,  relieved  him 
mightily.  Judge  Edwards  assured  Hoss,  that  it  would 
be  necessary  for  him  to  lay  up  for  a  day  or  two,  and 
the  afflicted  candidate  signified  the  same,  himself.  Be- 
fore they  parted  Hoss  requested  Edwards,  as  he  had  the 
whole  field  to  himself,  not  to  be  too  hard  upon  him. 
His  antagonist  promised  to  spare  him,  but  chuckled  all 
the  while  at  having  a  clear  field  in  Allen's  most  popular 
district.  Shaking  the  old  Hoss  by  the  hand,  as  they 
were  about  to  separate,  he  remarked — "  we  will  meet 
at  Benton,  I  hope,  in  different  trim,  Friend  Allen." 
They  did  meet  in  different  trim,)  but  Edwards  little 
dreamed  the  particular  kind  of  trim  he  would  appear  in. 
As  soon  as  Judge  Edwards  was  fairly  started,  it  was  sur- 
prising the  rapid  change  which  took  place  in  his  antagonist 
— Hoss'  eye  lit  up,  a  broad  grin  spread  over  his  features, 
and  pulling  off  the  handkerchief,  which  was  tied  around 
his  head,  he  twirled  it  above  him  like  a  flag,  then  stuffed 
it  in  his  pocket,  remarking  coolly,  at  the  same  time, — 
"  well,  that  thar  swamp,  jest  at  this  season,  is  awful  !  " 
His  express  reported  himself  after  his  night  ride,  assured 
Allen  that  all  was  O.  K.,  and  received  his,  dollar  for 
delivering  the  message,  upon  receiving  which  intelli- 
gence, Allen  seated  himself  quietly  and  comfortably  at 
his  coffee,  and  imbibed  it  with  a  relish  that  drove  the 
idea  of  sickness  into  a  hopeless  decline. 


73 

Judge  Edwards  rapidly  progressed  on  his  way,  highly 
gratified  at  having  his  opponent  off  in  this  part  of  the 
field,  and  as  he,  in  this  happy  mood,  journeyed  onwards 
he  set  his  brain  to  work  conning  a  most  powerful  speech, 
one  that  would  knock  the  sand  from  under  Hoss,  and 
leave  him  in  a  state  of  sprawling  defeat.  He  resolved 
to  sweep  the  south,  from  that  point,  like  a  prairie  fire. 
About  noon,  or  perhaps  an  hour  after,  he  arrived  at 
Tom  Walters'  for  dinner,  and  while  it  was  preparing, 
inquired  how  far  he  was  from  Benton  ? 

"I've  an  idea,"  said  Tom,  "you're  well  onto  nine 
miles  frum  thar — jest  an  easy  arternoon  ride." 

This  was  highly  satisfactory  to  the  Judge,  and  per- 
ceiving that  the  provender  preparing  was  of  alike  pleas- 
ing character,  he  spread  himself  back  upon  a  hickory 
bottomed  chair  with  a  kind  of  easy  dignity,  at  once 
comfortable  to  himself,  and  edifying  to  his  host. 

"Stranger,"  inquired  Tom,  "  did  you  scare  up  any- 
thin'  like  the  two  candidates,  Jedge  Eddards  and  old 
Hoss  Allen,  on  your  way  down  yeur  ?" 

"  I  did  see  something  of  them,  my  friend,"  answered 
the  Judge,  and  then,  as  if  making  up  his  mind  to  surprise 
Tom,  and  give  him  a  striking  example  of  democratic 
condescension,  he  inquired,  "  would  you  know  either 
of  the  gentlemen,  if  they  stood  before  you?" 

"Why,  as  to  old  Hoss,"  said  Torn,  "  I  don't  know 
anybody  else,  but  this  new  Jedge  I  ain't  never  seed, 
and  ef  he  is  the  slicked  up  finefied  sort  on  a  character 
they  pictur'  him,  I  don't  want  to  see  him — Its  my  opi- 
nion, these  squirtish  kind  a  fellars  ain't  perticular  hard 
baked,  and  they  allers  goes  in  fur  aristocracy  notions." 

The  Judge  had  no  idea  that  Tom  was  smoking  him, 
and  he  congratulated  himself  that  an  opportunity  here 
10  G 


74  HOSS  ALLEN'S  APOLOGY. 

presented  itself,  where  he  could  remove  a  wrong  im- 
pression personally  ;  so,  loftily  viewing  this  southern 
constituent,  be  remarked : 

"You  have  heard  a  calumny,  my  friend,  for  Judge 
Edwards  now  sits  before  you,  and  you  can  see  whether 
his  appearance  denotes  such  a  person  as  you  describe.'' 

"No!"  shouted  Tom,  with  mock  surprise,  "you 
aint  comin'  a  hoax  over  a  fellar  ? — you  raally  are  the 
sure  enough  Jedge  ?" 

"  I  am  really  the  Judge,  my  friend,"  responded  his 
honor,  highly  elevated  with  Tom's  astonishment. 

"  Then  gin  us  your  paw,"  shouted  Tom,  "  you're 
jest  the  lookin'  fellar  kin  sweep  these  yeur  diggins  like 
a  catamount !  What  in  the  yearth  did  you  do  with  old 
Hoss  on  the  road  ?  I  heerd  he  was  a  comin'  along  with 
you.  He  aint  gin  out,  has  he?" 

The  Judge  replied,  with  a  smile  which  expressed 
disparagement  of  Hoss  Allen's  powers  of  endurance, 
that  he  was  forced  to  lie  up  on  the  route,  from  fa- 
tigue. Dinner  being  announced  as  ready  the  Judge  and 
Tom  seated  themselves,  and  the  latter  highly  expanded 
his  guest's  prospects  in  the  district,  assuring  him  that  he 
could  lick  Hoss  "powerful  easy,  ef  he  wasn't  broken 
winded."  The  meal  being  ended,  the  Judge  demanded 
his  horse,  and  inquired  of  his  host  the  direct  road  to 
Benton,  which  Tom  thus  mapped  out : — 

"  Arter  you  pass  the  big  walnut,  about  two  miles 
from  yeur,  keep  it  a  mile  on  your  left,  and  take  the 
right  trail  fur  about  six  hundred  yards,  when  you'll 
cum  to  the  <  saplin  acre,'  thar  you  keep  to  the  right 
agin,  and  when  that  trail  fotches  you  up,  why  right 
over  from  thar  lies  Benton." 

This  was  a  Very  clear  direction  to  one  who  had  never 


75 

before  travelled  the  road,  but  the  Judge,  trusting  to 
luck,  said,  "he  thought  he  would  be  able  to  get  there 
without  much  difficulty,"  and  started  off,  leaving  his 
late  entertainer  gazing  after  him. 

"  Well,  I  allow  you  will,  Jedge,"  chuckled  Tom, — 
"  You'll  git  inter  that  swamp,  jest  as  sure  as  shootin', 
and  you'll  hev  the  biggest  and  hungryest  audience  of 
mosquitors,  ever  a  candidate  preached  law  or  larnin' 
to  !"  To  secure  his  finding  the  swamp  road,  he  had 
stationed  his  boy  Jim  near  the  turn  off,  to  make  the 
matter  sure. 

In  the  course  of  a  couple  of  hours  along  came  Hoss 
Allen,  who,  as  soon  as  Tom  took  hold  of  his  bridle, 
winked  his  eye  at  him  while  he  inquired  : — 

"  Did  Jedge  Eddards  come  along,  Tom  ?" 

"  Well,  he  did,  Hoss,  oncommon  extensive  in  his 
political  feelins'." 

"  And  you  didn't  let  the  Jedge  stray  away  from  the 
swamp  road  ?"  inquired  Hoss. 

"  Well,  I  predicate  I  didn't,  fur  by  this  time  he's 
travellin'  into  the  diggins  most  amazin'  innocently," 
and  then  the  pair  enjoyed  a  regular  guffaw ! 

"  He's  safe  as  a  skin'd  bar,  then,  Tom,  and  I'll 
spread  his  hide  afore  the  Benton  boys  to-morrow — jest 
let  them  into  the  joke,  and  I  allow,  after  that,  his  dan- 
dified aristocracy  speeches  won't  have  much  effect  in 
this  section. 

"Go  it,  Jedge,"  shouted  Tom,  "ef  I  ain't  thar  to 
hear  it,  it'll  be  'cause  the  breath'll  leave  me  afore  then 
— gin  him  goss  without  sweeten' — rumple  his  har,  but 
don't  spile  the  varmint !" 

After  Hoss  had  stayed  his  stomach  with  a  cold  bite, 
he  bade  Tom  good-day,  and  started  for  Benton,  highly 


76 

tickled  with  the  success  of  his  trick.  As  he  neared  the 
"  saplin  acre,"  he  met  Jim,  who  exhibited  a  full  spread 
of  his  ivories,  when  Hoss  inquired  which  road  he  had 
directed  the  gentleman  before  him  ? 

"  He  gone  into  de  swamp  road,  massa,  but  what  de 
debil  he  want  dar,  'cept  he  arter  coon  skins,  dis  niggah 
doesn't  hab  no  idear,  whatsomedeber." 

Allen  passed  on,  assured  that  all  was  right,  and  as  his 
horse  leisurely  ambled  forward,  he  broke  into  singing 
•a  verse  of  a  western  ditty,' which  says  : — 

"Thar  aint  throughout  this  western  nation, 

Another  like  old  Hickory 
He  was  born  jest  fur  his  siteation — 

A  bold  leader  of  the  free." 

As  night  spread  her  curtain  over  this  wild  district, 
Hoss  neared  Benton,  and  as  his  nag  jogged  up  the 
principal  street,  he  broke  out  into  a  louder  strain,  re- 
peating the  above  verse,  on  hearing  which,  the  "  boys," 
who  were  expecting  him  and  Edwards,  turned  out,  and 
old  Hoss  was  received  with  a  cheer. 

"  Hello,  Jedge  ! — How  are  you,  Old  Hoss  ? — Give 
us  your  paw,  Governor! — Here  at  last,  Squire  !" — and 
sundry  such  expressions  of  familiar  welcome  was  show- 
ered on  Allen,  by  the  crowd  "  Come  in,  and  git  a 
drink,  old  fellar,"  shouted  one  of  the  crowd,  and  forth- 
with all  hands  pushed  for  the  hotel  bar  room,  where 
sweetened  corn  juice  was  pushed  about  with  vast  libe- 
rality— at  the  candidate's  expense,  of  course. 

"  Whar  did  you  leave  the  new  fellar,  Jedge  Ed- 
dards?"  was  the  general  inquiry. 

"  Why,  boys,  I  stopped  to  rest  on  the  road,  and  he 
slid  off  to  git  ahead  of  me — I  heered  on  him  at  the 


77 

forks,  and  expected  he  was  here.  It's  my  opinion, 
boys,  he's  seen  a  bar  on  the  road,  and  bein'  too  delicate 
to  make  the  varmint  clar  the  path,  he's  taken  a  long 
circuit  round  him  !" 

This  raised  a  laugh  among  the  crowd,  and  it  was 
followed  up  by  general  inquiries  as  to  what  Edwards 
looked  like,  but  to  these  Hoss  shook  his  head,  remark- 
ing, as  he  raised  his  hands  expressive  of  how  they 
would  be  astonished — "jest  wait  tell  you  see  him 
yourselves,  boys,  and  then  you'll  be  satisfied." 

Let  us  return  to  Judge  Edwards,  who  had  easily 
found  his  way  past  the  "  sapling  acre,"  and  by  the  aid  of 
Jim's  direction  progressed  into  the  swamp  road,  as  easy 
as  if  it  were  his  destination.  Having  travelled,  as  he 
thought,  about  ten  miles,  he  began  to  look  out  for 
Benton,  and  every  now  and  then  uttered  an  expression 
of  surprise,  that  they  had  located  the  town  in  such  a 
swampy  country — every  rod  he  progressed  became 
more  and  more  obscure,  the  brush  more  thick  and  wild 
in  growth,  and  the  ground  more  moist  and  yielding. 
Night,  too,  that  season  for  the  rendezvous  of  underbrush 
and  tangle-wood  horrors,  was  fast  gathering  its  forces 
in  the  depths  of  the  forest,  and  beneath  the  shadows  of 
the  thick  bushes,  shrouding,  as  with  a  dark  mist,  each 
object  on  the  earth's  surface,  creeping  up  the  trunks  of 
the  old  trees,  and  noiselessly  stealing  away  the  light  in 
which  they  had  proudly  spread  their  green  foliage,  while 
in  lieu  of  their  showy  garb  he  clad  them  in  a  temporary 
mourning.  The  song  of  the  birds  became  hushed, 
while  the  cry  of  the  startled  wolfwas  borne  upon^the 
breeze  to  the  ear  of  the  affrighted  traveller,  interrupted 
occasionally  by  the  sharp  m-e-o-w!  of  the  wild-cat, 
making  together  a  vocal  concert  most  unharmonious  to 


78  HOSS  ALLEN'S  APOLOGY. 

the  ear  of  the  bewildered  candidate.  To  sum  up  these 
horrors  a  myriad  of  mosquitoes,  as  musical  as  hunger 
and  vigorous  constitutions  could  make  them,  hummed 
and  fi-z-z-zed  around  him,  darting  in  their  stings  and 
darting  away  from  his  annoyed  blows,  with  a  pertinacity 
and  perseverance  only  known  to  the  Missouri  tribe  of 
insects. 

Poor  Edwards! — he  was  fairly  in  for  it — into  a  swamp 
at  that ! — Night  was  fast  making  all  roads  alike  obscure, 
and  with  amazing  rapidity  covering  our  traveller  in  a 
mantle  of  uncertainty.  The  possibility  of  his  escape 
that  night  first  became  improbable,  and  then  impossible. 
He  hallooed  at  the  highest  pitch  of  his  voice,  but  the 
wolf  was  the  only  live  varmint  that  answered  his  cry, 
and  a  strange  fear  began  to  creep  over  his  heart.  He 
remembered  well  reading  accounts  of  where  hungry 
droves  of  these  animals  had  eaten  the  horse  from  under 
the  saddle,  the  rider  upon  it,  bones,  hide,  liar  and  all, 
leaving  scarce  a  vestige  of  the  victims  to  mark  the  deed, 
and  his  hair  grew  uneasy  on  his  cranium  at  the  bare 
thought  of  such  an  unpolitical  termination  to  his  can- 
vass. At  this  particular  moment  a  yell,  as  of  a  thousand 
devils  in  his  immediate  neighbourhood,  set  his  heart 
knocking  against  his  ribs  in  a  fearful  manner.  When 
he  partially  recovered  from  the  shock  he  tied  his  horse 
to  one  tree  and  quickly  mounted  another — whispering 
the  hope  to  his  heart,  at  the  same  time,  that  a  meal  on 
his  horse  would  satisfy  the  gathering  crowd  of  varmints, 
who  were  shouting  their  death  song  below  him.  Having 
seated  himself  astride  a  limb,  the  mosquitoes  had  a  fair 
chance  at  him,  and  they  put  the  Judge  through  as  active 
an  exercise  as  ever  was  inflicted  on  a  recruit — there 
was  this  difference,  however,  between  him  and  a  recruit, 


79 

they  are  generally  raw  at  the  commencement  of  a  drill, 
but  poor  Edwards  was  most  raw  at  the  end  of  his  lesson. 
Every  new  yell  of  the  swamp  pre-emptioners,  made  him 
climb  a  limb  higher,  and  each  progression  upwards  ap- 
peared to  introduce  him  to  a  fresh  and  hungrier  com- 
pany of  mosquitoes — the  trees  in  the  swamp  were  like 
the  dwellings  in  Paris,  their  highest  tenants  were  the 
most  needy.  Day  at  length  broke,  and  our  harassed 
candidate,  almost  exhausted,  clambered  from  his  exalted 
position.  His  frightened  but  unscathed  steed  uttered 
a  neigh  of  welcome  as  he  bestrode  him,  and  giving 
loose  to  the  rein  he  committed  his  escape  to  the  animal's 
sagacity,  while  he  aided  his  efforts  by  a  devout  suppli- 
cation. Accident  favored  the  horse's  footsteps,  for 
striking  the  trail  leading  to  the  road  he  started  off  into 
a  trot,  and  soon  broke  his  rider's  spell  of  terror,  by 
turning  into  the  main  avenue  leading  to  Benton. 
Edwards  slowly  passed  his  pimpled  hand  over  his 
worse  pimpled  face,  sadly  remarking: — 

«  Last  night's  <  bills'  all  passed,  for  I  bear  their  sting- 
ing signatures  all  over  my  countenance." 

When  ten  o'clock  came,  on  the  day  following  Judge 
Allen's  arrival  at  Benton,  the  town  swarmed  with  the 
southern  constituency  of  Missouri,  and  as  soon  as  the 
tavern  bell,  which  had  been  put  in  requisition  to  announce 
the  candidate's  readiness,  had  ceased  its  clamor,  Hoss 
mounted  the  balcony  of  the  hotel,  and  rolling  up  his 
sleeves  "  spread  himself"  for  an  unusually  brilliant 
effort. 

"Boys!"  shouted  he,  "I  want  your  attention  to 
matters  of  vital  import — of  oncommon  moment,  and 
replete  with  a  nation's  wel/ar."  [Here  looking  down 
into  the  crowd  at  Sam  Wilson,  who  was  talking  as  loud 


80 

as  he  could  bellow,  about  an  imported  heifer  he  had 
just  bought,  Hoss  called  his  attention :]  "  Sam,"  said 
he,  «  you'd  better  bring  that  heifer  of  your'n  up  here  to 
address  the  meetin',  and  I'll  wait  till  the  animal  gits 
through!"  This  raised  a  laugh  on  Sam,  and  Hoss  pro- 
ceeded. After  dilating  at  some  length  on  the  imported 
candidate  who  was  his  antagonist,  he  "let  himself' out," 
on  some  of  the  measures  he  advocated,  and  particularly 
dwelt  on  the  fact  that  he  went  in  for  creating  a  license 
law  on  hunting  varmints! 

"  Would  you  have  the  least  mite  of  an  idea,  boys," 
said  Hoss,  "  that  this  creatur'  of  a  faction  wants  to  have 
every  man's  rifle  stamped  with  the  state  arms,  and  then 
made  pay  a  license  to  the  state  before  he  can  git  a 
bonus  for  wolf  scalps."  [At  this  moment  a  shrill  voice 
interrupted  him  again — a  girl  belonging  to  the  hotel 
was  shouting  to  a  couple  of  youngsters,  who  had  been 
despatched  to  the  barn  for  eggs,  to  "  quit  sue/tin*  them 
thar  eggs  or  the  candidates  would  stand  a  mighty  small 
chance  furthur  dinner.]  "  Jest  tell  that  gall,"  said  Hoss, 
"  to  suck  my  share  and  stop  her  screamin'."  He 
again  continued:  "I  want  to  know  what  in  yearth  this 
Massissippi  country's  comin'  too,  when  sich  fellars  finds 
favor  with  the  people — what  do  you  think  of  him  boys  ?" 

"Why,  cuss  his  pictur  !"  was  the  general  response 
from  the  bar  hunters. 

While  Hoss  was  thus  arousing  public  indignation 
against  his  antagonist,  a  stranger  entered  the  crowd, 
and  after  listening  a  moment  to  the  speaker's  imaginary 
flights  he  interrupted  him  by  shouting  :— 

"I  deny  your  assertions,  Judge  Allen!" 

This  was  a  bomb  shell,  and  the  crowd  cleared  a 
space  round  the  stranger,  in  expectation  of  a  fight ;  but 


HOSS  ALLEN'S  APOLOGY.  81 

Allen  after  surveying  the  stranger,  in  whom  he  recog- 
nised his  antagonist  Edwards,  coolly  inquired  why  he 
disputed  it? 

"What,  me!"  shouted  Edwards,  "who  can  better 
declare  your  assertions  false  than  the  man  you  are  mis- 
representing— you  know  very  well  that  I  am  that  Judge 
Edwards!" 

Hoss  Allen  turned  calmly  round  to  the  crowd  and 
said : — "  Boys,  you  know  I  never  git  angry  at  a  man 
insane  or  in  liquor,  and  as  I  don't  know  this  fellar,  and 
never  seed  him  afore  in  my  life,  its  the  best  proof  that 
he  aint  Jedge  Eddards,  so  you'll  oblige  me  by  taking 
him  off  the  ground  and  keeping  him  from  disturbing  the 
meeting." 

Expostulation  was  useless — without  any  ceremony  he 
was  carried  into  the  hotel,  boiling  with  indignation. 
There,  however,  he  had  to  stay,  at  a  convenient  dis- 
tance to  hear  that  Allen  was  giving  him  "particular 
jesse." 

After  the  meeting  adjourned  three  cheers  were  given 
for  Hoss  Allen,  and  all  parties  gathered  into  the  bar  to 
take  a  little  fluld^  and  discuss  the  speech.  Edwards 
having  now  been  relieved  from  durance,  started  for 
Hoss; — burning  inside  with  choler  and  smarting  ex- 
teriorly from  mosquito-bites, — he  looked  bitter. 

"Do  you  say  you  don't  know  me,  Judge  Allen ?" 
inquired  he. 

Hoss  looked  steadily  at  him,  then  coolly  taking  out 
his  spectacles,  he  wiped  the  glasses,  adjusted  them 
upon  his  nose,  and  surveyed  the  questioner  from  head 
to  foot,  he  then  remarked : 

"  Thar  is  somethin'  about  your  voice,  and  the  clothes 
you  ware,  that  I  ought  to  know — Jedge  Eddards  wore  a 
11 


82  Y  v   HOSS  ALLEN'S 

\     *%  :.  .<•-  'v  &    ":      >      ,  _-v        v 

coat  and  kerseys  exactly  like  your'n,  but  I'll  swa'r  he 
had  a  better  lookin'  face  than  you  carry  when  we  parted 
yesterday  mornin'.  If  you  are  him  you're  been  the  wust 
used  candidate  I've  seed  in  an  age." 

"  Yes,"  responded  Edwards,  "thanks  to  that  d — n 
nigger  that  sent  me  into  the  swamp.  I  tell  you  sir  that 
I  have  passed  a  night  to  which  the  infernal  regions  are 
a  scant  pattern,  and  between  mosquitoes,  wolves,  and 
wild-cats  I  should  not  be  surprised  if  my  hair  had 
turned  grey." 

"  I  begin  to  re-cognise  you,  now,  Jedge,"  said  Hoss, 
in  a  sympathetic  tone,  "  and  no  wonder  I  didn't  know 
you  at  first  sight — your  head  is  swelled  as  big  as  a 
pumkin!  I'll  do  the  clean  thing,  Jedge,"  said  Hoss, 
starting  for  the  balcony,  I'll  apologise  afore  the  boys, 
publicly,  for  not  knowin'  you." 

"  No,  no  !"  shouted  Edwards,  who  knew  his  apology 
would  only  place  his  night's  adventure  in  a  more  ridi- 
culous light,  "  I  don't  demand  any  apology."  But  he 
was  too  late,  Hoss  had  already  called  the  attention  of 
the  crowd. 

"Boys,"  said  he,  "  as  an  honourable  man  who  finds 
himself  in  the  wrong,  I  am  bound  to  apologise,  pub- 
licly, to  my  friend  Jedge  Eddards, — the  Jedge  is  a 
leetle  changed  in  appearance  since  we  wur  last  together, 
and  I  did  not  ?^-cognise  him;  I,  tharfore,  ask  his  par- 
don fur  orderin'  him  off  the  ground." 

"I  grant  it!"  shouted  Edwards,  glad  here  to  wind 
up  the  apology,  then  turning  round  he  added,  "  come 
boys,  let  us  drink  good  friends." 

"  Wait  a  minit,  boys,"  said  Hoss,  "  the  Jedge  and 
I  havin'  smoothed  that  little  marter  over,  I  jest  want  to 
tell  you  why  I  didn't  know  him  at  fust  sight.  You  all 


know'fnat  tmosqimoes'in  ceoar  swamp  are  an  ore 
hungry  breed,  and  when  they  git  a  passenger  they 
sent  him  with  numerous  <  relief  bills ;'  well  I  had  gained 
considerable  popularity  in  that  swamp,  by  presentin' 
their  condition  before  the  legislatur'  and  askin'  for  reliet 
for  the  distressed  inhabitants, — the  Jedge,  to  head  me 
down  thar,  passed  all  last  night  on  a  limb  of  one  of  the 
trees  makin'  stump  speeches  to  the  varmints,  and  you 
can  see  by  his  countenance  that  expectin'  to  be  elected 
he  has  accepted  all  their  mosquito  bills!" 
'  One  tremendous  shout  rent  the  air,  followed  by  bursts 
of  laughter,  from  which  Edwards  retreated  into  the  hotel. 
We  have  but  to  add  that  Hoss  carried  the  Bar  counties 
"  as  easy  as  rolling  off  a  log!"  His  antagonist  in  vain 
tried  to  stem  the  tide  of  fun, — when  he  essayed  to  speak 
a  m-e-o-w  of  a  wild-cat  or  the  hum  of  a  mosquito  imita- 
ted by  some  of  his  audience  would  be  sure  to  set  the 
rest  sniggering,  and  spoil  his  effort. 


NATURAL  ACTING! 


GRAND    RIVER,    MICHIGAN. 

SEVERAL  years  since  our  friend  Dan  Marble,  the 
celebrated  representative  of  Yankee  characters,  was  per- 
forming an  engagement  at  Detroit,  and  was  persuaded 
by  some  friends  to  take  a  trip  to  Chicago,  and  give 
them  a  taste  of  his  quality  in  the  lake  city.  Dan  con- 
sented, and  on  board  of  the  good  steamer  Constitution, 
commanded  by  a  skilful  captain,  under  the  care  of 
Doty,  one  of  the  best  lake  engineers,  and  piloted  by 


84    •  NATURAL  ACTING.  "    \ 

V>       -\>:  V"*  >     > 

Gus.  McKinstry,  they  set  out  in  the  fall  of  the  year  for 

their  northern  destination.  All  went  "  merry  as  a  mar- 
riage bell ;"  they  had  a  successful  trip  up, — Dan.  had 
a  successful  engagement — and  back  they  started  for 
Detroit.  But  now  the  elements  became  rebellious ; 
whether  rude  Boreas  resolved  to  keep  this  favorite  son 
of  Momus  up  there  in  his  northern  home,  we  know  not, 
but  when  the  vessel  that  bore  his  fortunes — his  own 
comical  self — had  nearly  reached  the  head  of  the  lake, 
against  a  head  wind  that  would  almost  tear  off  a  shirt 
collar,  they  run  out  of  wood,  and  wras  forced  to  scud 
back  to  Milwaukee  a  "  leetle  dust  faster  than  they 
wanted  tu."  They  loaded  up  with  the  fuel  again,  and 
shutting  their  teeth  with  determination,  they  fastened  tight 
the  safety  valve,  and  tried  it  again  right  in  the  teeth  of 
the  hurricane.  After  puffing,  and  blowing,  and  wheezing, 
and  coughing,  the  old  boat  had  to  give  in,  and  hunt  a 
harbor.  Fate  drove  them  into  Grand  River — we  say, 
Fate  did  it,  in  order,  as  we  think,  to  keep  up  the  cha- 
racter of  a  grand  stream  by  opening  a  dramatic  temple  on 
its  banks,  with  an  exhibition  of  the  budding  greatness 
of  a  genius.  Fate,  you  know,  has  the  ordering  of  such 
things. 

The  noble  steamer  came  to  anchor  in  the  quiet  river, 
between  its  to\vering  sand  banks,  and  old  "  blo\v  hard" 
tossed  the  lake  wave  on  the  outside,  top-mast  high,  with 
glee,  at  having  penned  Dan.  Down  came  an  inhabitant 
of  the  town  of  Grand  River,  who  had  seen  Dan.  perform 
at  Buffalo,  and  recognising  him,  up  he  posted  to  spread 
the  news.  In  the  meantime,  those  on  board  were  won- 
dering how  they  should  pass  the  weary  hours,  if  the 
fierce  wind  continued  its  fury.  Presently,  down  comes 
another  resident  to  the  boat,  a  small  cat-skin  cap  on  his 


NATURAL  ACTING.  85 

head,  a  Canada-mixed  coat  on,  and  dressed  in  deer-s/dn 
breeches. 

«•  Whar  is  he  ? — which  is  him  1 — consarn  his  comic 
pictur,  show  him  out — ha-ha-ha  !" 

"Who  are  you  lookin'  after,  Mister?"  inquired  the 
pilot. 

"  Why  Dan — corn  twist  him — Dan  Marble,  to  be 
sure." 

"  Well,  here  I  am,  old  fellar,"  answered  the  pilot, 
"  take  a  look  at  me  !"  The  pilot  weighed  about  two 
hundred  and  twenty-two  pounds,  and  had  on  an  old 
sou- wester  tarpaulin.  Back  stepped  the  inhabitant  of 
Grand  River,  as  if  to  get  a  good  look,  and  take  in  all 
his  dimensions  at  one  stare.  Gus,  the  pilot,  made  a 
wry  face  at  his  cat-skin  observer,  and  out  he  burst : 

"  Ha-ha-ha  ! — ho-ho-ho  ! — he-he-he  ! — cuss  me  ef 
you  ain't  jest  as  I  heerd  on  you — we've  got  you,  have 
we  ?  ha-ha-ha ! — stop  till  I  go  and  get  the  fellars,  and 
by  grist  mills  you'll  have  to  gin  us  a  playin' !"  and 
forthwith  off  started  the  cat-skin  cap  and  deer-skin 
breeches,  their  owner  pausing  every  hundred  yards  to 
ejaculate — 

"  Ha-ha  ! — we've  got  him  !" 

In  a  short  time  he  returned,  sure  enough,  and  half 
the  town  with  him.  A  number  of  the  business  men  of 
the  place  waited  upon  Dan,  proper,  and  requested  that 
he  would  amuse  them,  and  pass  away  his  own  time,  by 
relating  some  of  his  Yankee  stories,  singing  songs,  &c., 
tendering  him,  at  the  same  time,  the  second  story  of  a 
storehouse  for  his  theatre.  Dan  consented,  and  al1 
hands  on  board  entering  into  the  spirit  of  the  thing, 
they  soon  constructed  a  temporary  stage,  with  a  sail 
for  a  back  scene  and  the  American  flag  for  a  curtain. 

H 

ih 


86  NA'IUKAL  ACTING. 

Night  came,  and  with  its  shadows  came  the  inhabitants 
of  the  town  of  Grand  River — the  owner  of  the  cat-skin 
cap  and  his  party,  among  the  number. 

In  order  to  make  his  performance  varied,  Dan  made 
arrangements  to  produce  the  skunk  scene,  from  the 
"  Water  Witch  ;"  and  drilled  Doty,  the  engineer,  Gus, 
the  pilot,  the  clerk  of  the  boat,  and  the  mate,  to  perform 
the  English  sailors  in  the  scene.  It  will  be  remembered 
by  those  who  have  witnessed  it,  that  they  catch  the 
Yankee  just  as  he  has  killed  a  skunk,  and  are  about  to 
press  him  as  a  sailor ;  he  persuades  them  to  see  a  spe- 
cimen of  his  shooting — they  stick  up  the  dead  animal  as 
a  mark,  and  while  he  gets  their  attention  upon  the  object 
in  one  direction,  he  retreats  in  the  other,  showing  off  in 
his  exit  a  specimen  of  "  tall  walking."  After  consi- 
derable drilling  his  assistants  were  pronounced  perfect ; 
but  the  pilot  swore  that,  to  play  an  English  sailor,  he 
must  get  disguised,  so  accordingly  he  primed  with  a 
double  quantity  of  grog.  His  associates,  jealous  of  his 
natural  acting,  say  he  had  to  get  drunk  before  he  could 
look  at  the  audience.  Up  went  the  curtain,  and  on  went 
Dan;  of  course  the  audience  were  amused  —  they 
couldn't  help  it;  but  cat-skin  looked  in  vain  for  his 
Dan.  At  length  the  skunk  scene  opened,  and  on  came 
the  pilot  at  the  head  of  his  party.  The  deer-skin 
breeches  could  hardly  hold  their  owner;  he  ha-ha'd 
and  ho-ho'd  as  if  he  would  go  into  fits.  Gus  clapped 
his  eye  upon  him,  and  screwed  up  his  face  into  as  many 
lines  as  a  map,  which  finished  the  effect  with  cat-skin — 
he  rolled  off  his  seat,  almost  convulsed.  Now  com- 
menced the  scene  with  Yankee  Dan,  and  when  he  told 
Gus  to  stoop  down  and  watch  his  shot,  it  was  with 
considerable  difficulty  that  the  pilot  balanced  himself  in 


A  CANAL  ADVENTURE.  87 

any  such  position.  While  they  were  stooping,  off* 
started  Dan  in  their  rear,  and,  to  keep  up  the  scene,  off 
they  started  in  pursuit ;  Dan,  according  to  plot,  hid 
behind  the  R.  H.  wing,  front — his  pursuers  should  here 
pass  him  and  cross  the  stage,  allowing  him,  by  a  Yankee 
trick,  to  escape;  but  that  portion  of  the  plot  Gus,  the 
pilot,  had  forgotten ;  -he,  therefore,  came  to  a  dead  halt 
and  looked  round  for  Dan;  there  he  was,  and  out 
shouted  Gus :  "  Come  out,  old  fellar— - 1  see  you  !" 

Dan  shook  his  head  and  signed  for  them  to  go  on. 

"No  you  don't,"  says  the  pilot;  "we  caught  you 
fair,  and  Fm  be  d — d  if  you  shan't  treat  /" 

The  effect  was  irresistible ;  Dan  had  to  give  in,  and 
the  curtain  dropped  before  a  delighted  audience — a 
collapsed  pair  of  deer-skin  breeches,  and  upon  the  first 
night  of  the  drama  in  Grand  River.  The  owner  of  the 
cat-skin  cap  and  deer-skin  breeches  maintains,  to  this 
day,  that  the  pilot  was  Dan  Marble. 

"  Them  other  fellars,"  says  he,  "  done  pooty  well, 
but  any  'coon,  with  half  an  eye,  could  see  that  that  fat 
fellar  did  the  naturalest  acting! 


A  CANAL  ADVENTURE. 

"Oh  hapless  our  fate  was,  each  one  and  all, 
For  we  were  wreck-ecZ  on  the  Erie  CanaZ7" 

Old  Ballad. 

ON  an  evening  in  the  month  of  July,  1836, 1  embarked 
at  Lockport,  in  company  with  some  fourteen  passen- 
gers, on  board  an  Erie  Canal  packet,  destined  for  Ro- 
chester. It  will  be  remembered  that  this  was  during 


88  A  CANAL  ADVENTURE. 

the  great  migrating  period  in  the  United  States,  when 
all  nations  and  pursuits  had  representatives  on  our  prin- 
cipal travelling  routes.  Our  party  was  no  sooner  aboard 
than  the  "  bold  captain"  gave  the  word,  the  horses 
were  got  "  under  weigh/'  the  feathers  set,  and  all  hands 
called  to  pick  out  their  shelf- — a  six  foot-by-one  conve- 
nience, suspended  by  cords — upon  \vhich  they  stowed 
away  passengers  for  the  night.  Babel  never  heard  a 
greater  confusion  of  tongues  than  this  call  set  wagging. 
But  above  them  all  was  heard  the  silver  tone  of  a  tra- 
velling exquisite,  piping  out — 

"  I-aw  am  first,  cap'en,  really, — I  claim  pwior  choice, 
I  do,  demifl  don't." 

Happening  to  be  first  on  the  register,  it  was  accorded, 
and  the  captain  suggested  a  locker  berth,  as  the  most 
comfortable. 

"No!  no! — dem, — beg  you-a  pawden,  cap'en," 
shouted  the  exquisite,  "  some  gwos,  fat  individual, 
might  get  on  the-a  upa  shelf  and  bweak  dowrn, — I  should 
be  mangled  howibly." 

"  Be  jabers,  I'd  like  to  hev  the  squazin  of  him,  me- 
silf,"  said  a  burly  Irishman. 

"  They'd  better  spill  a  leettle  smellin'  stuff  on  the 
pesky  animal,  or  he'll  spile  before  mornin',"  chimed 
in  a  Yankee. 

After  sundry  remarks,  at  the  exquisite's  expense,  and 
considerable  confusion,  all  were  duly  ticketed  for  the 
night,  and  commenced  piling  themselves  away  like 
pledges  in  a  pawnbroker's  shop.  Jonathan  and  the 
Irishman  carelessly  spread  themselves  upon  a  couple  of 
long  cane-bottomed  settees,  which  occupied  the  centre 
of  the  cabin,  and,  in  a  very  brief  space  of  time,  the 
company  hushed  into  silence,  save  an  occasional  short 


A  CANAL  ADVENTURE.  89 

blessing  bestowed  upon  the  short  berths.  When  all 
appeared  to  have  dropped  into  forgetfulness,  the  head 
of  a  way-passenger  was  thrust  into  the  cabin  entrance, 
with  the  inquiry — 

"  Is  there  any  berths  here  ?" 

"  Sure,  this  is  the  gintlemen's  cabin,"  answered  the 
Irishman. 

"  Well,  I  want  to  know  if  there's  any  berths  here  ?" 
reiterated  the  inquirer. 

"  Divil  a  chance  for  wan  here,"  was  the  response ; 
"  don't  I  tell  ye  this  is  the  gintlemen's  cabin  ?" 

This  conversation  partially  aroused  the  sleepers,  who 
inquired  of  the  Emeralder  what  was  the  row? 

"  Some  botherin'  docthur,"  was  the  sleepily  muttered 
reply. 

All  soon  again  relapsed  into  quiet ; — snore  began  to 
answer  snore,  in  "  high  and  boastful  blowing  "  and  I 
turned  my  back  to  the  lamp  for  the  purpose  of  making 
a  somnolent  effort,  individually.  After  tossing  and 
turning  for  some  time,  I  found  that  the  plentiful  supper 
taken  at  Lockport  had  entered  a  veto  against  sleep  for 
me,  and  every  effort  failed  to  accomplish  more  than  a 
drowsy  lethargy,  which  still  left  the  senses  partially 
awake.  A  strange  bumping  noise  aided  to  keep  me  in 
this  state,  and  I  was  labouring  to  assign  a  cause  for  the 
sound,  when  a  voice  distinctly  cried  out — 

"  It's  no  use  a  pumpin',  captin',  and  I  won't  I  She 
may  sink  and  be  dern'd  /" 

The  concluding  part  of  this  remark  started  my  senses 
into  activity,  and,  after  an  effort,  I  turned  round  on  my 
foot-wide  couch,  and  took  a  survey  of  my  "  sleeping 
partners,"  to  observe  how  the  voice  had  affected  them ; 
but  not  a  muscle  moved — all  were  chorussing  beauti- 
12  n2 


90  A  CANAL  ADVENTURE. 

fully  the  lays  of  dream-land.  The  certainty  of  our 
"  sinking  and  be  dern'd,"  was  soon  apparent,  for  the 
light  of  the  lamp,  suspended  from  the  ceiling  of  the 
cabin,  soon  began  to  be  reflected  from  the  floor — the 
waters  were  quietly  stealing  upon  the  unconscious 
sleepers.  My  first  impulse  was  to  sound  the  alarm,  but, 
fortunately,  possessing  a  « top  shelf,"  and  conscious 
that  we  could  sink  but  a  few  feet,  I  held  my  peace  until 
the  water  should  increase  its  depth,  being  sure  of  fun 
when  I  gave  the  signal. 

A  pair  of  boots  now  commenced  a  very  fair  forward- 
two  to  a  boot-jack  which  was  busily  engaged  in  exe- 
cuting a  chassez  before  a  nodding  hat, — stockings  were 
wriggling  about,  as  if  pleased  with  the  fun,  and,  in  a 
few  minutes  more,  all  was  a  scene  of  life  among  the 
sleepers'  "  unconsidered  trifles"  of  wardrobe  carelessly 
cast  upon  the  floor.  The  water  having  reached  within 
a  few  inches  of  the  slumbering  pair  upon  the  cane-bot- 
tomed settees,  I  sounded  the  alarm,  by  shouting — 
"  Murder!  boat's  sinking!  hurrah!  help!"  Off  tum- 
bled the  Irishman  and  Yankee — splash — dash — flounder 
and  exclamation  ! 

"  Holy  Virgin  !  what's  this  ?"  inquired  Pat. 

"  Cre-a-tion  and  the  deluge !"  shouted  Jonathan 

"  Good  gwacious !"  piped  in  the  dandy. 

Down  hopped  the  tenants  of  the  shelves,  like  bodies 
in  a  family  vault  at  the  general  rising — up  again  they 
hopped,  light  as  spirits  and  twice  as  natural,  the  instant 
their  pedal  extremities  touched  the  water. 

"Take  it  coo/,  gentlemen,"  shouted  a  westerner, 
from  a  top  berth,  "  these  are  the  canal  extras." 

A  lady,  at  this  moment,  parted  the  curtains  of  their 
cabin — the  Emeralder,  with  true  gallantry,  seized  her 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE.  91 

in  his  arms,  with  a  shout  of  "  Riscue  the  ladies !"  and 
bore  her  out  on  deck.  Jonathan,  not  to  be  outdone 
by  a  foreigner,  stood  ready  for  the  second,  but  her 
weight  (only  two  hundred  pounds)  put  a  stumper  on 
his  gallantry.  Yankee  ingenuity,  however,  overcame 
the  difficulty, — by  making  a  bridge  of  the  cane  settees, 
the  ladies  were  safely  conducted  from  their  watery 
quarters. 

It  was  a  funny  scene  on  deck,  that  night,  and  little 
ceremony  was  observed  in  making  a  toilet.  None,  how- 
ever, seemed  to  take  the  matter  seriously  but  the  dandy — • 
he  had  lost  all  his  beautifying  essentials,  in  the  confusion, 
and  was  almost  frightened  to  death  at  his  hair-breadth 
'scape.  Jonathan  was  offering  him  some  crumbs  of 
comfort,  to  induce  him  to  make  a  purchase  for  his  future 
safety. 

"I'll  tell  you  what,  Mister,"  says  Jonathan,  "jest 
buy  one  of  my  everlastin'-no-drownin'-dry-and-water- 
tight-life-presarvers,  and  when  you  git  it  fixed  right , 
it'll  keep  you  so  dry  you'll  have  to  sprinkle  yourself  to 
stick  together. 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 

HIS    EXCUSE    FOR   BEING    A    BACHELOR. 

AT  Buffalo  Head,  Nianga  county,  state  of  Missouri, 
during  the  canvass  of  1844,  there  was  held  an  extensive 
political  Barbecue,  and  the  several  candidates  for  con- 
gress, legislature,  county  offices,  &c.,  were  all  con- 
gregated at  this  southern  point  for  the  purpose  of  making 
an  immense  demonstration,  Hards,  softs,  wrhigs  and 


92  THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 

Tylerites  were  represented,  and  to  hear  their  several 
expositions  of  state  and  general  policy,  a  vast  gathering 
of  the  Missouri  sovereigns  had  also  assembled.  While 
the  impatient  candidates  were  awaiting  the  signal  to 
mount  the  "  stump,"  an  odd-looking  old  man  made  his 
appearance  at  the  brow  of  a  small  hill  bounding  the 
place  of  meeting. 

" Hurrah  for  old  Sugar!"  shouted  an  hundred 
voices,  while  on,  steadily,  progressed  the  object  of  the 
cheer. 

Sugar,  as  he  was  familiarly  styled,  wras  an  old  man, 
apparently  about  fifty  years  of  age,  and  was  clad  in  a 
coarse  suit  of  brown  linsey-woolsey.  His  pants  were 
patched  at  each  knee,  and  around  the  ankles  they  had 
worn  off  into  picturesque  points — his  coat  was  not  of 
the  modern  close-fitting  cut,  but  hung  in  loose  and  easy 
folds  upon  his  broad  shoulders,  while  the  total  absence 
of  buttons  upon  this  garment,  exhibited  the  owner's  con- 
tempt for  the  storm  and  the  tempest.  A  coarse  shirt, 
tied  at  the  neck  with  a  piece  of  twine,  completed  his 
body  covering.  His  head  was  ornamented  with  an  old 
woollen  cap,  of  divers  colors,  below  which  beamed  a 
broad,  humorous  countenance,  flanked  by  a  pair  of  short, 
funny  little  grey  whiskers.  A  few  wrinkles  marked  his 
brow,  but  time  could  not  count  them  as  sure  chronicles 
of  his  progress,  for  Sugar's  hearty,  sonorous  laugh  oft 
drove  them  from  their  hiding  place.  Across  his  shoulder 
was  thrown  a  sack,  in  each  end  of  which  he  was  bearing 
to  the  scene  of  political  action,  a  keg  of  bran  new  whiskey , 
of  his  own  manufacture,  and  he  strode  forward  on  his 
moccason  covered  feet,  encumbered  as  he  was,  with  all 
the  agility  of  youth.  Sugar  had  long  been  the  standing 
candidate  of  Nianga  county,  for  the  legislature,  and 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 


93 


founded  his  claim  to  the  office  upon  the  fact  of  his 
being  the  first  "  squatter"  in  that  county — his  having 
killed  the  first  bar  there,  ever  killed  by  a  white  man, 
and,  to  place  his  right  beyond  cavil,  he  had  ^stilled  the 
first  keg  of  whiskey  !  These  were  strong  claims,  which 
urged  in  his  comic  rhyming  manner  would  have  swept 
the  "  diggins,"  but  Sugar,  when  the  canvass  opened, 
always  yielded  his  claim  to  some  liberal  purchaser  of 
his  fluid,  and  duly  announced  himself  a  candidate  for 
the  next  term. 

"Here  you  air,  old  fellar!"  shouted  an  acquaintance, 
"  allays  on  hand  'bout  'lection." 

"Well,  Nat.,"  said  Sugar,  "you've  jest  told  the 
truth  as  easy  as  ef  you'd  taken  sum  of  my  mixtur — 

*  Whar  politicians  congregate, 
I'm  allays  thar;  at  any  rate  !J  ?? 

"  Set  him  up ! — set  the  old  fellar  up  somewhar,  and 
let  us  take  a  univarsal  liquor!"  was  the  general  shout. 

"  Hold  on,  boys, — keep  cool  and  shady,"  said  old 
Sugar,  "  whar's  the  candidates  ? — none  of  your  splurgin 
round  till  I  git  an  appropriation  fur  the  sperits.  Send 
em  along  and  we'll  negotiate  fur  the  fluid,  arter  which  I 
shall  gin  'em  my  instructions,  and  they  may  then  per- 
cede  to 

*Talk  away  like  all  cre-a-tion, 

What  they  knows  about  the  nation.' " 

The  candidates  were  accordingly  summoned  up  to 
pay  for  Sugar's  portable  grocery,  and  to  please  the 
crowd  and  gain  the  good  opinion  of  the  owner,  they 
made  up  a  purse  and  gathered  round  him.  Sugar  had 
placed  his  two  kegs  upon  a  broad  stump  and  seated 
himself  astride  of  them,  with  a  small  tin  cup  in  his  hand 


94  THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 

and  a  paper  containing  brown  sugar  lying  before  him — 
each  of  his  kegs  was  furnished  with  a  spiggot,  and  as 
soon  as  the  money  for  the  whole  contents  wras  paid  in, 
Sugar  commenced  addressing  the  crowd  as  follows : 

"  Boys,  fellars,  and  candidates,"  said  he,  "  I,  Sugar, 
am  the  furst  white  man  ever  seed  in  these  yeur  diggins 
— I  killed  the  furst  bar  ever  a  white  skinned  in  this 
county,  and  I  kalkilate  I  hev  hurt  the  feelings  of  his 
relations  sum  sence,  as  the  bar-sJdn  linin'  of  my  cabin 
will  testify ; — 'sides  that,  I'm  the  furst  manufacturer  of 
whiskey  in  the  range  of  this  district,  and  powerful  mixtur' 
it  is,  too,  as  the  hull  bilin'  of  fellars  in  this  crowd  will 
declar' ; — more'n  that,  I'm  a  candidate  for  the  legislatur', 
and  intend  to  gin  up  my  claim,  this  term,  to  the  fellar 
who  kin  talk  the  pootyest ; — now,  finally  at  the  eend, 
boys,  this  mixtur'  of  mine  will  make  a  fellar  talk  as  iley 
as  goose-grease, — as  sharp  as  lightnin',  and  as  per- 
suadin'  as  a  young  gal  at  a  quiltin',  so  don't  spar  it 
while  it  lasts,  and  the  candidates  kin  drink  furst,  'cause 
they've  got  to  do  the  talkin' !" 

Having  finished  his  charge  he  filled  the  tin  cup  full 
of  whiskey,  put  in  a  handful  of  brown  sugar,  and  with 
his  forefinger  stirred  up  the  sweetening,  then  surveying 
the  canditates  he  pulled  off  his  cap,  remarking,  as  he 
did  so : 

"Old  age,  allays,  afore  beauty! — your  daddy  furst, 
in  course,"  then  holding  up  the  cup  he  offered  a  toast, 
as  follows: 

"  Here  is  to  the  string  that  binds  the  states ;  may  it 
never  be  bit  apart  by  political  rats  /"  Then  holding  up 
the  cup  to  his  head  he  took  a  hearty  swig,  and  passed 
it  to  the  next  oldest  looking  candidate.  While  they 
were  tasting  it,  Sugar  kept  up  a  fire  of  lingo  at  them : 


-  "and  with  his  forefinger  stirred  up  the  sweetening." 


lemen 

fluid.  You  can't  help  tellin'  truth  arter  you've  i 
enough  of  my  mixtur',  jest  fur  this  reason,  its  ben  'stilled 
in  honesty,  rectified  in  truth,  and  poured  out  with  wis- 
dom! Take  a  leetle  drop  more,"  said  he  to  a  fastidious 
candidate,  whose  stomach  turned  at  thought  of  the  way 
the  "mixtur"'  was  mixed.  "Why,  Mister,"  said 
Sugary  coaxingly. 

(Ef  you  wur  a  babby,  jest  new  born, 
'Twould  do  you  good,  this  juicy  corn/7" 

"No  more,  I  thank  you,"  said  the  candidate,  draw- 
ing back  from  the  profler. 

"Sugar  winked  his  eye  at  some  of  his  cronies,  and 
muttered — "  He's  got  an  a-ristocracy  stomach,  and  can't 
go  the  native  licker"  Then  dismissing  the  candidates 
he  shouted, — "  crowd  up,  constitooenfo,  into  a  circle, 
and  let's  begin  fair — your  daddy  furst,  allays ;  and  mind, 
no  changin'  places  in  the  circle  to  git  the  sugar  in  the 
bottom  of  the  cup.  I  know  you're  arter  it  Tom  Wil- 
liams, but  none  on  your  yankeein'  round  to  git  the 
sweetnin' — it's  all  syrup,  fellars,  cause  Sugar  made  and 
mixed  it.  The  gals  at  the  frolicks  allays  git  me  to  pre- 
par'  the  cordials,  'cause  they  say  I  make  it  mity  drink- 
able. Who  next?  What  you,  old  Ben  Dent !— Well, 
hold  your  boss  for  a  minit,  and  I'll  strengthen  the  tin 
with  a  speck  more,  jest  because  you  can  kalkilate  the 
valee  of  the  licker,  and  do  it  jestiss!" 

Thus  chatted  Sugar  as  he  measured  out  and  sweetened 
up  the  contents  of  his  kegs,  until  all  who  would  drink 
had  taken  their  share,  and  then  the  crowd  assembled 
around  the  speakers.  We  need  not  say  that  the  virtues 
of  each  political  party  were  duly  set  forth  to  the  hearers 


"V 

96     N^  THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 


^  as  a^matter  of  course,  candidates  dwell 
upon  the  strong  points  of  their  argument,  always.  One 
among  them,  however,  more  than  his  compeers,  attracted 
the  attention  of  our  friend  Sugar,  not  because  he  had 
highly  commended  the  contents  of  his  kegs,  but  be- 
cause he  painted  with  truth  and  feeling  the  claims  of  the 
western  pioneers  !  Among  these  he  ranked  the  veteran 
Col.  Johnson  and  his  compatriots,  and  as  he  rehearsed 
their  struggles  in  defence  of  their  firesides,  how  they 
had  been  trained  to  war  by  conflict  with  the  ruthless 
savage,  their  homes  oft  desolated,  and  their  children 
murdered,  —  yet  still,  ever  foremost  in  the  fight,  and  last 
to  retreat,  winning  the  heritage  of  these  broad  valleys 
for  their  children,  against  the  opposing  arm  of  the  red 
man,  though  aided  by  the  civilized  power  of  mighty 
Britain,  and  her  serried  cohorts  of  trained  soldiery! 
We  say  as  he  dwelt  upon  these  themes  Sugar's  eye 
would  fire  up,  and  then,  at  some  touching  passage  of 
distress  dwelt  upon  by  the  speaker,  tears  would  course 
down  his  rude  cheek.  When  the  speaker  concluded  he 
wiped  his  eyes  with  his  hard  hand,  and  said  to  those 
around  him  :  — 

"  That  arr  true  as  the  yearth  !-—  thar's  suthin'  like  talk 
in  that  fellar  !  —  he's  the  right  breed,  and  his  old  daddy 
has  told  him  about  them  times.  So  did  mine  relate  'em 
to  me,  how  the  ony  sister  I  ever  had,  when  a  babby 
had  her  brains  dashed  out  by  one  of  the  red  skinned 
devils  !  But  didn't  we  pepper  them  fur  it  ?  Didn't 
I  help  the  old  man,  afore  he  grewT  too  weak  to  hold  his 
shootin'  iron,  to  send  a  few  on  'em  off  to  rub  out  the 
account?  Well,  I  did!  —  Hey!  and  shutting  his  teeth 
together  he  yelled  through  them  the  exultation  of  full 
vengeance. 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE.       ..^^fc        97 

an^ne; 


The  speaking  being  done,  candidates  ancf^hearers 
gathered  around  old  Sugar,  to  hear  his  comments  upon 
the  speeches,  and  to  many  inquiries  of  how  he  liked 
them,  the  old  man  answered: — 

"  They  were  all  pooty  good,  but  that  tall  fellar  they 
call  Tom,  from  St.  Louis ;  you,  I  mean,  stranger," 
pointing  at  the  same  time  to  the  candidate,  "  you  jest 
scart  up  my  feelin's  to  the  right  pint — you  jest  made  me 
feel  wolfish  as  when  I  and  old  dad  war  arter  the  red 
varmints;  and  now  what'll  you  take  ?  I'm  goin'  to  pub- 
licly decline  in  your  favor." 

Pouring  out  a  tin  full  of  the  liquor,  and  stirring  it  as 
before,  he  stood  upright  upon  the  stump,  with  a  foot  on 
each  side  of  his  kegs,  and  drawing  off  his  cap,  toasted : — 

"  The  memory  of  the  western  pio?ieers  !" 

A  shout  responded  to  his  toast,  which  echoed  far 
away  in  the  depths  of  the  adjoining  forest,  and  seemed 
to  awaken  a  response  from  the  spirits  of  those  departed 
heroes. 

"  That's  the  way  to  sing  it  out,  boys,"  responded 
old  Sugar,  "  sich  a  yell  as  that  would  scar  an  inimy 
into  ager  fits,  and  make  the  United  States  Eagle  scr,eam 
<  Hail  Columby.' " 

"  While  you're  up,  Sugar,"  said  one  of  the  crowd, 
give  us  a  stump  speech,  yourself." 

« Bravo!"  shouted  an  hundred  voices,  "a  speech 
from  Sugar." 

"  Agreed,  boys,"  said  the  old  man,  "I'll  jest  gin 
you  a  few  words  to  wind  up  with,  so  keep  quiet  while 
your  daddy's  talkin' 


'Sum  tell  it  out  jest  like  a  song, 
I'll  gin  it  to  you  sweet  and  strong.7  r 


13 


98       ^^  THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE,  i 


The  ony  objection  ever  made  to  me  in  this  arr  county, 
as  a  legislator',  was  made  by  the  wimin,  'cause  I  war  a 
bachelor ,  and  I  never  told  you  afore  why  I  re-mained  in 
the  state  of  number  one — no  fellar  stays  single  ^re-me- 
ditated, and,  in  course,  a  hansum  fellar  like  me,  who 
all  the  gals  declar'  to  be  as  enticin'  as  a  jay  bird, 
warn't  goin'  to  stay  alone,  ef  he  could  help  it.  I  did 
see  a  creator'  once,  named  Sofy  Mason,  up  the  Cum- 
berland, nigh  onto  Nashville,  Tennesee,  that  I  tuk  an 
orful  hankerin'  arter,  and  I  sot  in  to  lookin'  anxious  fur 
martrimony,  and  gin  to  go  reglar  to  meetin',  and  tuk  to 
dressin'  tremengeous  finified,  jest  to  see  ef  I  could  win 
her  good  opinion.  She  did  git  to  lookin'  at  me,  and 
one  day,  cumin'  from  meetin',  she  was  takin'  a  look  at 
me  a  kind  of  shy,  jest  as  a  hoss  does  at  suthin'  he's 
scart  at,  when  arter  champin'  at  a  distance  fur  awhile,  1 
sidled  up  to  her  and  blarted  out  a  few  words  about  the 
sarmin' — she  said  yes,  but  cuss  me  ef  I  know  wrhether 
that  wur  the  right  answer  or  not,  and  I'm  a  thinkin'  she 
didn't  know  then,  nuther!  Well,  we  larfed  and  talked 
a  leetle  all  the  way  along  to  her  daddy's,  and  thar  I  gin 
her  the  best  bend  I  had  in  me,  and  raised  my  bran  new 
hat  as  peert  and  perlite  as  a  minister,  lookin'  all  the 
time  so  enticin'  that  I  sot  the  gal  tremblin'.  Her  old 
daddy  had  a  powerful  numerous  lot  of  healthy  niggers, 
and  lived  right  adjinin'  my  place,  while  on  tother  side 
lived  Jake  Simons — a  sneakin',  cute  varmint,  who  war 
wusser  than  a  miser  fur  stinginess,  and  no  sooner  did 
this  cussed  sarpint  see  me  sidlin'  up  to  Sofy,  than  he 
went  to  slickin'  up,  too,  and  sot  himself  to  work  to  cut 
me  out.  That  arr  wur  a  struggle  ekill  to  the  battle  of 
Orleans.  Furst  sum  new  fixup  of  Jake's  would  take 
her  eye,  and  then  I'd  sport  suthin'  that  would  outshine 


THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE.  99 

'»  '*. 

him,  until  Jake  at  last  gin  in  tryin'  to  outdressvlnTe,  and 
sot  to  think-in'  of  suthin'  else.  Our  farms  wur  jest  the 
same  number  of  acres,  and  we  both  owned  three  nig- 
gers apiece.  Jake  knew  that  Sofy  and  her  dad  kept  a 
sharp  eye  out  fur  the  main  chance,  so  he  thort  he'd  clar 
me  out  by  buyin'  another  nigger;  but  I  jest  follor'd 
suit,  and  bought  one  the  day  arter  he  got  his,  so  he  had 
no  advantage  thar ;  he  then  got  a  cow,  and  so  did  I, 
and  jest  about  then  both  on  our  pusses  gin  out.  This 
put  Jake  to  his  wits'  eend,  and  I  war  a  wrunderin'  what 
in  the  yearth  he  would  try  next.  We  stood  so,  hip  and 
thigh,  fur  about  two  weeks,  both  on  us  talkin'  sweet  to 
Sofy,  whenever  we  could  git  her  alone.  I  thort  I  seed 
that  Jake,  the  sneakin'  cuss,  wur  gittin'  a  mite  ahead  of 
me,  'cause  his  tongue  wur  so  iley;  howsever,  I  didn't 
let  on,  but  kep  a  top  eye  on  him.  One  Sunday  mornin' 
I  wur  a  leetle  mite  late  to  meetin',  and  when  I  got  thar 
the  furst  thing  I  seed  war  Jake  Simons,  sittin'  close  bang 
up  agin  Sofy,  in  the  same  pew  with  her  daddy!  I  biled 
a  spell  with  wrath,  and  then  tamed  sour;  I  could  taste 
myself!  Thar  they  wur,  singin'  himes  out  of  the  same 
book.  Je-e-eminy,  fellars,  I  wrar  so  enormous  mad  that 
the  new  silk  handkercher  round  my  neck  lost  its  color! 
Arter  meetin'  out  they  walked,  linked  arms,  a  smilin' 
and  lookin'  as  pleased  as  a  young  couple  at  thar  furst 
christening  and  Sofy  tamed  her  *  cold  shoulder'  at  me 
so  orful  pinted,  that  I  wilted  down,  and  gin  up  right 
straight — Jake  had  her,  thar  wur  no  disputin'  it!  I 
headed  toward  home,  with  my  hands  as  fur  in  my 
trowsers  pockets  as  I  could  push  'em,  swarm'  all  the 
way  that  she  wur  the  last  one  would  ever  git  a  chance 
to  rile  up  my  feelin's,  Passin'  by  Jake's  plantation  I 
looked  over  the  fence,  and  thar  stood  an  explanation  of 


100  THE  STANDING  CANDIDATE. 

the  marfer,  right  facin'  the  road,  whar  every  one  passin' 
could  see  it — his  consarned  cow  was  tied  to  a  stake  in 
the  gardin',  with  a  most  promisirf  calf  alongside  of  her  ! 
That  calf  jest  soured  rny  milk,  and  made  Sofy  think, 
that  a  fellar  who  war  allays  gittin'  ahead  like  Jake,  wur 
a  right  smart  chance  for  a  lively  husband!" 

A  shout  of  laughter  here  drowned  Sugar's  voice,  and 
as  soon  as  silence  was  restored  he  added,  in  a  solemn 
tone,  with  one  eye  shut,  and  his  forefinger  pointing  at 
his  auditory : — 

"  What  is  a  cussed  sight  wusser  than  his  gittin'  Sofy 
war  the  fact,  that  he  borrowed  that  calf  the  night  before 
from  Dick  Harkley  !  Arter  the  varmint  got  Sofy  hitched, 
he  told  the  joke  all  over  the  settlement,  and  the  boys 
never  seed  me  arterwards  that  they  didn't  b-a-h  at  me 
fur  lettin'  a  calf  cut  me  out  of  a  gal's  affections.  I'd 
a  shot  Jake,  but  I  thort  it  war  a  free  co  mtry,  and  the 
ga]  had  a  right  to  her  choice  without  bein'  made  a 
widder,  so  I  jest  sold  out  and  travelled !  I've  allays 
thort  sence  then,  boys,  that  wimin  wur  a  good  deal 
like  lic/cer,  ef  you  love  'em  too  hard  thar  sure  to  throw 
you  some  way: 

'Then  here's  to  wimin,  then  to  licker, 
Thar's  nuthin7  swimmin'  can  be  slicker!" 


AN  EMIGRANT'S  PERILS; 

OR,    A    FLYING    TICKET    ON    THE    MISSISSIPPI. 

THE  inexperienced  dweller  in  a  quiet  home,  who  has 
never  been  tempted  to  wander  from  its  peaceful  pre- 
cincts, has  but  a  faint  idea  of  the  emigrant's  troubles, 
and  many  may  fail  to  deeply  sympathise  with  Michael 
O'Reily,  the  subject  of  our  sketch  ;  but  there  are  those 
who  have  mingled  in  the  perilous  tide,  and  can  know- 
ingly speak  of  its  dangers.  "  Maybe,"  as  Michael 
would  say,  "  it's  mesilf  that  has  had  a  full  peck  measure 
of  thim,  barrin'  what  I  injayneously  iscaped." 

Michael's  brother,  Patrick,  had  induced  him  to  quit 
the  little  cottage  and  pratie  patch  on  the  green  sod,  for 
a  home  where  "  goold"  llowed  up  the  rivers.  At  the 
time  we  encountered  him  he  had  reached  the  spot  where 
"  a  great  man  intirely,"  had  prophesied  this  shiny  metal 
would  flow  to,  and  he  but  waited  to  reach  Patrick's 
home  on  the  Missouri  river,  to  set  a  net  in  the  stream 
and  catch  his  share.  As  he  and  Mrs.  O'R.,  who  was 
well,  but,  naturally  enough,  «  wakely,"  were  seated  on 
the  boat,  considering  how  they  could  get  further  up 
stream,  a  steamboat  runner  came  to  their  aid,  and  forth- 
with made  every  necessary  arrangement  for  taking  them 
safe.  Michael's  mind  being  at  ease  about  that  matter, 
he  ventured  to  indulge  in  a  whifF  of  the  pipe,  when  he 
was  accosted  by  another  of  the  off-in-twenty-minutes 
agents. 

«  Passage  up  the  Missouri,  sir  ?"  inquires  the  runner. 
i  2  101 


102  AN  EMIGRANT'S  PERILS. 

«  Yis,  I'm  goin'  wid  ye's,"  says  Michael,  "  sure  wan 
uv  your  boys  ingaged  me  a  minnit  ago." 

The  runner  perceiving  in  a  moment  that  a  rival  had 
encountered  Michael,  resolved  to  do  the  aforesaid  rival 
out  of  his  passenger,  and  accordingly  hurried  him  oft' to 
his  own  boat,  by  telling  him  that  steam  was  up  ! 

The  "  done"  runner,  on  returning  and  finding  his 
passenger  off,  suspected  that  the  rival  boat  had  secured 
him,  and  ventured  upon  the  "  terror  experiment"  to 
win  him  back.  Michael  instantly  recognised  his  first 
friend,  and  saluted  him  with — 

"  I'm  here,  ye  see  !" 

"  Yes,  but  you've  got  yourself  into  a  kingdom-come 
snarl,  if  you  only  know'd  it,  without  half  tryiri'." 

Twist  the  snarl  which  way  Michael  would,  it  sounded 
unpleasantly,  and  he  ventured  to  inquire — 

"  Its  what  did  ye  say  kind  of  snarly  I  was  in?" 

"I  only  just  want  to  open  your  peepers  to  the  fact, 
of  having  been  trapped  on  board  an  old  boat,  fully  in- 
sured, with  a  desperate  shaky  'scape-pipe,  and  engaged 
to  be  blow'd  up  this  trip  ;  so  good  by  old  fellow,  you're 
ticketed." 

"  Och!  if  she's  fully  insured,  all's  right,"  says  Mi- 
chael, whispering  safety  to  his  heart,  "  and  the  boy  that  I 
came  wid,  says  she  can  run  up  a  tree  if  there's  a  dhrap 
of  wather  on  it." 

"If  she  don't  run  up  a  tree,"  was  the  reply,  "  she'll 
be  sure  to  run  agin  a  snaggy  one,  and  then,  I  predicate, 
some  of  her  passengers  '11  be  blow'd  tree  high,  so  you're 
in  for  it,  old  hoss !  Good  by, — I  say,  if  you  should  see 
my  old  uncle  down  tliar"  pointing  at  the  same  time 
significantly  to  the  rushing  river,  "  the  one  I  mean  who 
didn't  leave  me  any  money,  tell  him  for  me,  as  he's 


103 

gone  to  the  d — 1,  to  shake  himself — will  you?"  and 
after  delivering  himself  of  this  soothing  request,  he  va- 
nished, leaving  Michael  fancying  himself  astride  of  a 
'scape  pipe  riding  over  tree  tops,  rocket  fashion. 

"  Och  sorra  the  day  I  iver  put  fut  among  sich  hay- 
thins  !"  soliloquised  Michael,  "  to  talk  of  a  man's  bein' 
blown  to  smithereens,  as  if  it  were  but  a  gintle  rap  wid 
a  shillaleh — faith  its  out  uv  this  I'll  be  immigratin' 
quicker  than  you  could  peel  a  pratie,"  and  forthwith  he 
proceeded  to  move,  with  all  possible  haste,  his  stock 
of  worldly  effects  ;  observing  which  the  runner,  who 
had  awoke  his  fears,  shouted  out  as  a  quickener,  "  don't 
forget  uncle,  for  he  would  think  it  dreadful  mean,  if  I 
didn't  send  word  by  somebody  I  knew  wasg'om'  direct" 

"  Leave  that  luggage  alone,"  savagely  shouted  the 
mate,  "you  can't  leave  this  boat — you're  engaged" 

"  Thrue  for  ye's,"  says  Michael  in  a  doleful  tone, 
"be  dad  I  was  omadhaun  enough  to  do  that  same,  and 
ye's  can  blow  me  up  when  iver  you're  a  mind  to." 

"  We  don't  blow  her  up,"  says  the  mate,  "  until  the 
downward  trip,  unless  some  gentleman  's  requested  it 
in  his  bargain  ;  if  you've  got  a  flying  ticket  we  are  bound 
to  accommodate  you,"  and  just  at  that  moment,  whiz 
went  a  steam-cock. 

"  Be  aisy  for  the  Lord's  sake,"  shouted  Michael, 
"  blow  her  up  for  the  gintleman  comin'  down  ;  as  I'm 
not  used  to  it,  I  might  fall  awkwardly  in  some  man's 
apple  orchard  and  desthroy  a  peach  tree — d'ye  mind." 

Having  been  assured  that  all  was  safe,  and  that  by 
express  desire  the  blowing  up  was  deferred,  he  took  his 
seat  at  the  stern.  As  the  shades  of  evening  gathered 
around  the  boat  and  over  the  waters,  the  steamer  pushed 
from  her  moorings, — the  last  we  saw  of  Michael  he  was 


104  FUN  WITH  A 

holding  in  one  hand  a  small  string  of  beads,  with  a  ro- 
sary attached,  while  the  other  grasped  the  painter  of  the 
jolly-boat  towing  astern,  and  his  eye  with  a  doubtful, 
but  resigned  expression,  was  firmly  fixed  on  the  shaky 
'scape-pipe. 


FUN  WITH  A  "BAR." 

A   NIGHT   ADVENTURE    ON    THE   MISSOURI. 

AT  the  head  of  a  ravine  on  the  border  of  the  river 
Platte,  one  bright  night  in  June,  was  gathered  a  party 
of  Missouri  hunters,  who  were  encamped  after  a  day's 
chase  for  buffalo.  The  evening's  repast  was  over,  and 
as  they  stretched  themselves  in  easy  attitudes  around 
their  stack  of  rifles,  each  looked  at  the  other  with  a 
kind  of  questioning  expression,  of  whether  it  should  be 
sleep  or  a  yarn?  The  bright  moon,  with  full  round 
face,  streamed  down  into  their  midst,  and  sprinkled  her 
silvery  sheen  over  shrub  and  flower,  investing  night  in 
those  vast  solitudes  with  a  strange  charm  which  forbid 
sleep,  and  with  common  consent  they  raised  themselves 
into  a  sitting  posture  and  proposed  a  "talk,"  as  the  red 
skins  say.  Dan  Elkhorn  was  the  leader  of  the  party, 
and  all  knew  his  store  of  adventure  inexhaustible,  so 
a  unanimous  call  was  made  upon  Dan  for  a  story. 
"  Come,  Dan?"  cried  a  crony,  "  give  us  something  to 
laugh  at,  and  let  us  break  this  silence,  which  seems  to 
breed  a  spirit  of  melancholy — stir  us  up,  old  fellow,  do !" 

Dan  pulled  his  long  knife  out  of  his  belt,  and  laying 
it  before  him,  smoothed  back  his  long  grey  hair.  He 
was  a  genuine  specimen  of  the  hardy  American  moun- 


FUN  WITH  A  "  BAR."  105 

taineer, — like  the  Indian,  he  dressed  in  deer  skins  and 
wore  the  moccason,  while  every  seam  in  his  iron  coun- 
tenance told  of  'scapes  and  peril.  Seeing  that  all  were 
attention  he  commenced — 

"  Well,  draw  up  closer,  boys,  so  I  shan't  have  to 
holler,  'cause  breth  is  gittin'  kind  a  short  with  me  now, 
and  I  want  to  pacel  it  out  to  last  pretty  strong  till  the 
wind-up  hunt.  You,  Mike,  keep  your  eye  skinned  for 
Ingins,  'cause  ef  we  git  deep  in  a  yarn  here,  without  a 
top  eye  open,  the  cussed  varmints  '11  pop  on  us  unawars, 
and  be  stickin'  some  of  thur  quills  in  us — nothin'  like 
havin'  your  eye  open  and  insterments  ready.  I've  a  big 
idea  to  gin  you  an  account  of  some  fun  I  had  with  an 
old  bar,  on  the  Missouri,  when  I  was  a  younker,  and 
considerably  more  spry  than  I  am  jest  now.  I  want  to 
tell  you  fust,  boys,  that  bars  are  knowin'  animals,  and 
they  kin  jest  tell  a  younker  of  the  human  kind  as  easily 
as  they  kin  a  small  pig  from  the  old  sow ; — they  don't 
fool  with  me  now,  for  they've  got  to  know  me! 

"  Well,  old  Alic  Dennison,  a  neighbour  of  mine  on 
the  Missouri,  had  bin  about  two  years  up  in  the  moun- 
tains, and  when  he  came  home  he  gin  a  treat  to  all  the 
fellars  within  thirty  miles  of  him — that  was  jest  seven 
,  families — and  among  'em,  in  course,  I  got  an  invite. 
Alic  and  I  had  sot  our  cabins  on  opposite  sides  of  the 
drink,  near  enough  to  see  each  other,  and  a  red  skin,  ef 
he'd  come  on  a  scalp  visit,  would  a  bin  diskivered  by 
either.  When  Alic's  frolic  was  to  cum  off,  I  was  on 
hand,  sartain.  About  evenin'  I  got  my  small  dug-out, 
and  fixin'  my  rifle  carefully  in  the  fore  eend,  and  stickin' 
my  knife  in  the  edge  whar  it  would  be  handy,  I  jest 
paddled  over  the  drink. 

A  little  above  our  location  thar  wur  a  bend  in  the 
14 


106 

stream  which  a  kind  a  turned  the  drift  tother  eend  up, 
and  planted  them  about  the  spot  between  our  cabins — 
snags  and  sawyers,  jest  thar,  wur  dreadful  plenty,  and 
it  took  mity  nice  padlin'  to  git  across  without  tiltin' ; 
howsever,  I  slid  atween  'em,  sarpentine  fashion,  and  got 
over  clar  as  a  pet  coon.  Thar  wur  considerable  folks 
at  Alic's,  fur  some  of  the  families  in  them  diggins  had 
about  twenty  in  number,  and  the  gals  among  'em  warn't 
any  on  your  pigeon  creaturs,  that  a  fellar  dassent  tech 
fur  fear  of  spilin'  'em,  but  raal  scrougers — any  on  'em 
over  fourteen  could  lick  a  6ar,  easy.  My  decided 
opinion  jest  now  is,  that  thur  never  was  a  grittyer 
crowd  congregated  before  on  that  stream,  and  sich 
other  dancin'  and  drinkin'  and  eatin'  bar  steaks,  and 
corn  dodger,  and  huggin'  the  gals,  don't  happen  but 
once  in  a  fellar's  lifetime,  and  scarcely  that  often.  Old 
Alic  had  a  darter  Molly,  that  war  the  most  enticin', 
gizzard-ticklin',  heart- distressin' jfe/me  creatur  that  ever 
made  a  fellar  git  owdacious,  and  I  seed  Tom  Sellers 
cavortin'  round  her  like  a  young  buffalo — he  was  puttin' 
in  the  biggest  kind  a  licks  in  the  way  of  courtin',  and 
between  her  eyes  and  the  sweetened  whiskey  he'd  drank, 
you'd  a  thought  the  fellar  would  a  bursted.  Jest  to 
make  matters  lively,  I  headed  up  alongside  of  Molly, 
and  shyed  a  few  soft  things  at  her,  sech  as  askin'  how 
she  liked  bar  steaks  cooked,  and  if  Jim  Tarrant  warn't 
equal  in  the  elbow  to  a  mad  pewter's  tail,  when  he  war 
fiddlin'  that  last  reel,  and  sech  amusin'  light  conversa- 
tion. Well,  boys,  Tom  started  swellin'  instanter.  He 
tried  to  draw  her  attention  from  me ;  but  I  got  talkin' 
about  some  new  improvements  I  war  contemplatin' 
about  my  cabin,  and  the  cow  I  expected  up  from  St. 
Louis,  'sides  lonely  feelins  I'd  bin  havin'  lately,  and 


107 

Tom  couldn't  git  in  a  show  of  talk,  edgeways.  Didn't 
he  git  mad? — wur  you  ever  near  enough  to  a  panter 
when  his  har  riz  with  wrath?  Well,  ef  you  have,  you 
can  create  some  idea  of  Tom's  state  of  mind,  and  how 
electricity,  from  liquor  and  love,  run  out  to  the  eends 
of  his  head  kiverin'.  It  wur  easy  to  see  he  wur  a  gittin' 
dangerous,  so  I  slid  off  and  left  him  alone  with  the  gal. 
Arter  I  got  a  talkin'  to  another  one  of  the  settlers'  young 
women,  Molly  kept  lookin'  at  me,  and  every  now  and 
then  sayin'  somethin'  pleasin'  across  to  me,  while  she 
warn't  payin'  any  attention  to  Tom  at  all.  He  spread 
himself  into  a  stiff  bow  and  left  her ;  then  movin'  across 
the  floor  like  a  wounded  deer,  he  steadied  himself  on 
the  back  of  my  seat,  and  lookin'  me  in  the  face,  says: 

"  <  Mister  Elkhorn,  I  shud  be  strenuously  obleeged  to 
you  ef  you'll  step  down  thar  with  me  by  the  old  per- 
simmen  tree.' 

"  I  nodded  my  head,  and  told  him  to  trot  outside  and 
wait  till  I  got  the  docyments,  and  as  soon  as  he  moved 
I  sent  his  old  daddy  to  accompany  him.  I  jest  informed 
the  old  fellar  that  Tom  wanted  a  fight,  and  as  he  was 
too  full  of  corn  juice  to  cut  carefully,  I  didn't  want  to- 
take  advantage  of  him.  The  old  man  said  he  was 
obleeged  to  me,  and  moved  out.  Tom,  thinkin'  it  wur 
me,  staggered  ahead  of  the  old  man,  and  I  concluded, 
as  it  war  near  mornin',  to  leave ;  'cause  I  knew  when 
Tom  found  out  his  daddy  was  along  with  him  instead 
of  me,  he'd  have  a  fight  any  how.  I  acknowledge  the 
corn,  boys,  that  when  I  started  my  track  warn't  anythin' 
like  a  bee-line ; — the  sweeten'd  whiskey  had  made  me 
powerful  thick-legged ;  but  arter  a  fashion  I  got  to  my 
dug-out,  with  nothin'  of  weapon  along  in  the  world  but 
the  paddle.  Thar  war  jest  enough  light  to  tell  that 


108  FUN  WITH  A  "  BAR." 

snags  wur  plenty,  and  jest  enough  corn  juice  inside  to 
make  a  fellar  not  care  a  cuss  fur  'em.  I  felt  strong  as 
a  hoss,  too,  and  the  dug-out  hadn't  more'n  leaped  six 
lengths  from  the  bank  afore — zip — chug — co-souse  I 
went — the  front  eend  jest  lifted  itself  agin  a  sawyer  and 
emptied  me  into  the  element!  In  about  a  second  I 
came  up  bang  agin  a  snag,  and  I  guess  I  grabbed  it 
sudden,  while  old  Missouri  curl'd  and  purl'd  around 
me  as  ef  she  was  in  a  hurry  to  git  to  the  mouth,  so  she 
might  muddy  the  Massissippi.  I  warn't  much  skeer'd, 
but  still  I  didn't  jest  like  to  hang  on  thar  till  daylight, 
and  I  didn't  want  to  make  a  fuss  fur  fear  they'd  say  I 
war  skary.  I  had  sot  myself  on  the  eend  of  the  snag, 
and  was  jest  tryin'  to  cypher  out  some  way  of  gittin'  to 
shore,  when  I  thought  1  diskiver'd  a  fellar  sittin'  on  the 
bank.  At  fust,  he  looked  so  black  in  the  coat  I  thought 
it  war  Tom  Sellers,  who'd  sot  himself  down  to  wait  fur 
a  fight : — Tom  had  on  at  the  frolic  a  black  blanket  coat 
with  a  velvet  collar,  and  he  thought  it  particularly  nice. 
Arter  lookin'  at  him  move  about  and  sit  down  on  his 
hunkers  once  or  twice,  I  thought  I'd  holler  to  him ;  but 
he  appeared  so  dreadful  drunk  that  I  didn't  expect 
much  help  from  him. 

"  <  Tom,'  shouted  I,  «  come  out  here  with  a  dug-out, 
and  help  a  fellar  off,  will  you  ?' 

"  He  sot  still,  without  sayin'  a  word.  <  Well,5  says 
I  to  him,  <  you're  meaner  than  an  Ingin !  and  would 
bait  a  trap  with  your  daddy's  leggins.'  He  didn't  move 
fur  a  spell ;  at  last  into  the  drink  he  popped,  and  now, 
thought  I,  he  is  mad  and  no  dispute.  I  could  see  him 
paddlin'  right  fur  me,  and  I  holler'd  to  him  that  I  had 
no  insterments,  but  he  didn't  say  a  whisper,  ony  shoved 
along  the  faster.  At  last  up  he  come  agin  my  snag, 


FUN  WITH  A  "  BAR."  109 

and  the  next  minit  he  reached  fur  me,  and  then  he  tried 
to  fix  his  teeth  into  my  moccason ;  so  guessin'  it  war 
time  to  do  something  I  jest  grabbed  fur  his  muzzle,  and 
I'm  blessed,  boys,  ef  it  warn't  a  great  he  bar  !  The 
cussed  varmint  had  watched  me  from  the  house  and 
seed  I  had  no  weapons,  and  when  I  upsot  he  just 
counted  me  his'n,  and  was  quietly  calculatin'  on  the 
bank  how  he'd  best  git  me  out  of  the  water.  I  had 
nothin'  in  the  yearth  but  a  small  fancy  pen  knife,  but  I 
stuck  that  in  him  so  quick  that  he  let  me  go,  and  while 
he  swam  for  one  snag  I  reached  for  another.  I  never 
heerd  a  bar  laugh  out  loud  afore,  but  I'm  a  sucker  ef 
he  didn't  snigger  twice  at  the  way  he  rolled  me  off  my 
log. 

"  We  sot  lookin'  at  one  another  fur  a  spell,  when  I 
seed  the  varmint  gittin'  ready  to  call  on  me  agin,  and 
in  about  a  second  more  off  he  dropped,  and  strait  he 
took  a  shute  for  my  location.  As  he  came  up  close  to 
me  I  slit  his  ear  with  the  small  blade,  and  he  got  mad ; 
but  jest  as  he  was  circling  round  me  to  git  a  good  hold, 
I  dropped  on  to  his  hinder  eend  and  grabbed  his  har, 
and  I  guess  I  made  him  move  fur  shore  a  leetle  faster 
than  a  steam  boat — my  little  blade  kept  him  dreadful 
itchy.  Well,  the  fun  of  the  thing  wur,  boys,  as  soon 
as  the  varmint  teched  shore,  he  turned  right  round  on 
rne,  and  I'm  cussed  if  I  hadn't  to  turn  round,  too,  and 
scratch  for  the  snag  agin !  with  that  consarned  bar  feelin' 
my  legs  with  his  paw  every  stroke  I  war  makin'  to  git 
away  from  him !  I  got  a  little  skary,  now,  and  a  good 
deal  mad,  fur  thar  the  varmint  war  a  waitin'  for  me,  and 
whinin'  as  ef  he  had  been  ill-treated,  and  thar  I  wur 
perched  up  on  a  sawyer,  bobbin'  up  and  down  in  the 
\vater.  At  last  I  sot  a  hollerin'  and  kept  on  at  it,  and 

K 


110  FUN  WITH  A  "BAR." 

hollered  louder,  until  I  seed  some  one  cum  from  the 
house,  and  singin'  out  agin  they  answered  me.  I  asked 
who  it  war,  and  found  that  it  war  Molly,  old  Alic's 
darter ;  so  I  gin  her  a  description  of  my  siteaytion,  and 
she  war  into  a  dug-out  in  a  minit,  and  paddlin'  towards 
me.  I  believe  I  said  wonce,  boys,  that  bars  wur  knowin' 
critters,  but  ef  thar's  anythin'  true  on  this  yearth,  it's 
the  fact,  that  this  consarned  animal  had  made  up  his 
mind  to  upsot  that  gal,  and  I'm  blessed  ef  he  didn't 
jest  as  cute  as  ef  he'd  bin  human !  Startin'  from  his 
snag  he  swam  to  the  dug-out,  put  up  both  paws,  and 
over  it  went — over  went  Molly  into  the  stream,  and  off 
slid  Mister  6ar,  laffin'  out  loud!  as  I'm  a  white  man. 

"  I  seized  Molly  as  she  came  floatin'  towards  me,  and 
stuck  her  upon  my  sawyer,  while  I  started  for  an  adji- 
nin'  snag.  I  could  hear  Molly  grittin'  her  teeth,  she 
war  so  bilin'  mad,  and  jest  as  soon  as  she  could  git 
breath,  she  hollered  to  me  to  be  sure  I  never  rested  till 
I  killed  that  varmint.  I  swore  on  that  snag  that  I'd 
grow  thin  chasm'  the  critter,  and  she  seemed  to  git 
pacified.  Well,  thar  we  wur,  in  the  stream,  and  it  a 
leetle  too  rough  to  swim  in  easy,  so  we  had  to  sing  out 
for  help,  and  I  yelled  till  I  war  nigh  onto  hoarse,  afore 
anythin'  livin'  stirred  about  the  house;  at  last,  nigger 
Jake  came  down  to  the  edge  of  the  river,  jest  as  day 
was  breakin',  and  puttin'  his  hand  over  his  eyes,  he 
hollers — 

"  <  Why,  Massa  Dan,  is  dat  you  wot's  been  hollowin' 
eber  so  long  for  somebody !' 

"  <  You've  jest  took  the  notion  to  cum  see,  have  you, 
you  lazy  nigger — now  git  a  dug-out  and  come  out  here 
and  git  your  missus  and  me  off  these  snags,  and  do  it 
quick,  too,  or  I'll  make  you  holler!' 


Ill 

"  <  What,  Missus  dar,  too  /'  shouted  the  nigger,  <  well, 
dat's  funny — de  Lor !'  and  off  the  cussed  blueskin  started 
fur  the  house,  and  in  a  few  minits  all  that  could  gethered 
out  to  see  us  and  laugh  at  our  water  locations. 

"  I  had  bin  gittin'  riled  by  degrees,  and  now  was  at 
a  dangerous  pint — the  steam  began  to  rise  off  on  me 
till  thar  wur  a  small  fog  above  my  head,  and  as  the  half 
drunken  varmints  roared  a  laffin,  and  cracked  their  jokes 
about  our  courtin'  in  the  middle  of  the  drink,  I  got  awful 
excited.  <  I'll  make  ribbons  of  every  man  among  you,' 
says  I,  <  when  I  git  whar  thar's  a  chance  to  fight.'  And 
then  the  cussed  crew  roared  the  louder.  Tom  Sellers 
yelled  out  that  we'd  bin  tryin'  to  elope,  and  this  made 
Molly  mad, — her  daddy  got  a  little  mad,  too,  and  I 
bein'  already  mad,  thar  wur  a  wrathy  trio  on  us,  and 
the  old  fellow  said,  ef  he  thought  I'd  been  playin'  a 
two-faced  game,  and  bitin'  his  friendship  like  a  pizen 
varmint,  he'd  drop  me  off  the  log  I  wur  on  with  a  ball 
from  his  rifle.  I  jest  told  him  to  fire  away  and  be  d — d, 
for  I  wur  wore  out  a  patience.  Some  of  the  boys  held 
him,  while  others  got  the  dug-out  and  came  to  our  as- 
sistance. I  jest  got  them  to  drop  me  on  my  side  of  the 
river,  and  to  send  over  my  rifle,  and  as  soon  as  it  war 
on  hand  I  onloosed  my  dog  Yelp,  and  started  to  wipe 
out  my  disgrace. 

"  That  infernal  bar,  as  soon  as  he'd  tossed  Molly  in 
the  stream,  started  for  the  woods ;  but,  as  ef  he  had  rea- 
soned on  the  chances,  the  varmint  came  to  the  conclu- 
sion that  he  couldn't  git  away,  and  so  got  up  into  a 
crotch  of  a  low  tree,  about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from  my 
cabin.  Old  Yelp  smelled  him,  and  as  £ocn  as  I  clapped 
peeper  on  him  I  let  sliver,  when  the  varmint  dropped 
like  a  log, — I  went  to  him  arid  found  he'd  bin  dead  for 


112  TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS. 

an  nour.  My  little  blade  couldn't  a  killed  him,  so  it's 
iny  opinion,  clearly  entertained,  that  the  owdacious  var- 
mint, knowin'  I'd  kill  him  for  his  trick,  jest  climbed  up 
thar  whar  I  could  easy  find  him,  and  died  to  spite  me  ! 
"  His  hide,  and  hard  swearin',  got  me  and  Molly  out 
of  our  elopin'  scrape,  and  the  lickin'  I  gin  Tom  Sellers 
that  spring  has  made  us  good  friends  ever  sence.  He 
don't  wonce  ventur'  to  say  anythin'  about  that  bar  scrape, 
without  my  permission  !" 


TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS. 
A  NIGHT'S  ADVENTURE  IN  THE  AMERICAN  BOTTOM. 

THE  great  struggles  to  obtain  early  news  in  the  east, 
between  the  proprietors  of  daily  journals,  has  infused  a 
spirit  of  rivalry  in  their  western  brethren,  and  they  have 
been  of  late,  prating  all  along  the  Mississippi  valley, 
about  expresses  to  Washington,  railroads  to  Oregon, 
regular  lines  to  California,  telegraphs  connecting  St. 
Louis  with  the  east,  &c.,  and  sundry  other  new-fangled 
methods  of  getting  ahead  of  time.  We  do  not  much 
wonder  at  it,  for  this  is  the  age  of  expresses,  and  the 
man  who  lingers  along  in  the  old  "  sure-and-easy" 
method,  is  certain  to  be  lost  sight  of  in  the  rapid  whirl 
of  the  new  order  of  things.  In  the  matter  of  news,  now- 
a-*days,  it  is  not  news  unless  expressed,  and  we  hesitate 
not  to  say  that  the  President's  message,  received  in  the 
old  fashioned  wait-till-you-get-it  manner,  would  not  be 
read  with  interest. 

At  St.  Louis,  on  the  night  of  the  17th  of  December, 
the  President's  message  was  expected  in  town,  and 


TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS.  113 

many  were  the  suspicious  rumours  in  circulation,  about 
private  expresses,  magnetic  telegraphs,  and  "  enormous" 
arrangements  to  spread  the  intelligence  with  rapidity. 
Every  body  knew  that  the  old  slow-and-easy  line 
through  Illinois  would  be  along  sometime  that  night, 
and  allowing  it  ten  days  from  Washington  to  the  Mis- 
sissippi, it  was  very  probable  that  among  its  contents 
wrould  be  found  a  copy  of  that  important  document. 
Col.  K.,  a  veteran  conducter  of  the  city  press,  called  a 
few  of  his  boys  together,  that  evening,  and  quietly  re- 
marked to  them : — 

"  Boys,  that  terrapin  team  will  arrive  to  night  on  the 
other  side  of  the  river  with  the  message,  and  as  it  gene- 
rally remains  there  until  next  morning,  unless  we  can 
persuade  the  driver  to  cross  the  river,  we  will  get  no 
message  until  to  morrow,  so  I  wish  you  to  start  as  an 
express,  and  see  if  you  can't  coax  him  to  cross. — Use 
the  persuasive,  liberally,  but  bring  him  and  the  mail- 
bags,  anyhow!" 

Orders  were  positive,  and  a  "  team"  of  three  started 
to  execute  the  Colonel's  orders.  The  river  was  a  sheet 
of  solid  ice,  upon  which  the  full  moon  poured  down  a 
flood  of  radiance.  Across  the  ice  they  dashed,  gained 
the  Illinois  side,  and  chartering  a  wagon  and  horses 
belonging  to  a  couple  of  suckers,  started  to  meet  the 
stage.  The  drivers  of  this  express  were  dubious  about 
taking  their  passengers,  because  they  would  not  disclose 
where  they  wished  to  go.  " Keep  dark!"  said  one. 
"  Mum  is  the  word !"  said  the  other.  "  They  intend 
to  steal  sum  gal  on  the  road,"  whispered  one  sucker  to 
his  friend. 

"  Well,  they've  got  a  cussed  poor  taste,  fur  I'll  swar 
thar  aint  anythin'  on  this  yeur  road  to  the  bluff  wuth 
15  K2 


114  TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS. 

shucks,  'cept  Nancy  Birch,  and  her  temper  would  tarn 
the  stomic  of  the  d — 1."  In  the  course  of  a  few  minute? 
one  express  passenger  remarked  to  his  companion, 
"  We'll  meet  the  stage  this  side  of  the  brick  house." 
"Certain,"  was  his  friend's  reply.  "It's  out  now," 
said  the  biggest  sucker,  "thar  goin'  to  rob  the  mail," 
and  he  cast  a  fearful 'glance  over  his  shoulder  to  see  if 
they  had  pistols  in  their  hands.  The  stage  was  now 
heard  lumbering  along,  and  in  a  few  minutes  they  met, 
when  out  dashed  the  expresses.  "  Stop!"  cried  one,  to 
the  driver — up  mounted  another  to  the  side  of  the  stage. 
"  I'm  d — d,  gentlemen,  ef  we  belong  to  that  arr  crowd!" 
screamed  the  sucker  driver,  "  I'll  jest  swar  on  a  stack  of 
bibles,  that  them  fellars  ony  hired  our  team." 

The  express  who  mounted  the  side  of  the  stage, 
thinking  he  might  obtain  a  copy  from  some  passenger, 
thrust  his  head  through  the  door,  and  finding  one 
"insider"  he  demanded: — 

"  Have  you  got  a  message*}" 

"Dake  all  mit  you,  mine  Got!"  exclaimed  a  Ger- 
man passenger  in  answer,  "  but  dont  gill  de  fader 
of  dirteen  little  babys," — at  the  same  time  he  handed 
his  wallet  to  the  express  messenger. 

"  To  the  d — 1  with  your  old  leather,  give  me  a  mes- 
sage paper ."'  shouted  the  express. 

"May  I  go  to  der  duyvel,  if  ish  got  any  oder  baper 
but  Indiana  /"  exclaimed  the  Dutchman,  still  holding 
forth  his  wallet. 

The  driver  now  informed  them  that  he  had  the  mes- 
sage along,  but  "  he'd  jest  see  them  and  the  city  of  St. 
Louis  in  h — 1,  afore  they'd  git  him  two  steps  further 
than  the  law  ^ervided  he  should  go,"  and  that  was  to 
the  Illinois  side  of  the  river.  He  said  this  so  bitter^ 


TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS.  115 

that  the  chance  looked  hopeless  for  moving  him,  but 
one  of  the  boys,  with  a  tongue  "  iley  as  a  sarpint," 
quiet  as  a  mole,  and  civil  as  a  pill  pedlar,  climbed  up 
on  the  seat  beside  him,  and  placing  himself  in  a  good 
position,  he  commenced  whispering  close  to  the  ear  of 
the  driver,  and  Eve  never  yielded  as  easily  to  the  ser- 
pent's temptation,  as  the  mail  driver  now  began  to  melt 
under  the  soft  whisper  floating  around  him. 

"You  said  it  would  be  lioH"  exclaimed  the  driver. 

"  I  did,"  replied  the  whisper,  «  and  lots  of  it,  besides 
a  dollar  under  the  pitcher  of  punch,  and  sundry  com- 
fortable fixens  around  it." 

"  Don't  say  any  more,"  said  the  driver,  "that's  jest 
the  kind  of  snap  I  want  to  git  into  to  night."  So,  put- 
ting up  his  horses  he  shouldered  the  mail  bags,  and 
across  to  St.  Louis  the  party  travelled. 

The  proprietors  of  the  anxious  city  journals,  alarmed 
at  the  delay  of  the  express,  resolved  to  despatch  tele- 
graphs in  search  of  them  ;  and,  having  charged  three 
with  the  electric  fluid^  off  they  started — and  Morse's 
invention  aint  a  beginning  to  the  way  the  St.  Louis 
specimens  travelled.  Across  the  ice — slap — dash — up 
the  side  of  the  ferry  boat,  and  up  the  hill.  Here  were 
collected  about  fifty  Illinois  market  \vagons,  and  a  cor- 
responding number  of  suckers.  A  group  of  these  latter 
were  gathered  around  a  large  fire,  discussing  the  proba-. 
bility  of  being  able  to  cross  the  ice  to  St.  Louis,  on  the 
succeeding  day.  A  telegraph  inquired  of  one  of  these, 
if  he  had  seen  anything  of  the  express.  "  No,  I  haint," 
says  he,  "  but  I  hev  got  first  rate  butter,  at  two  bitts  a 
pound!"  "Melt  your  butter!"  shouted  an  indignant 
telegraph.  "  Come  and  show  us  the  road  out  to  Pap's 
house,  captain,"  said  another.  The  marketeer  started 


116  TELEGRAPHING  AN  EXPRESS. 

a  few  rods  with  him,  and  then,  as  if  a  sudden  thought 
hit  him,  looked  at  the  telegraph  gent,  and,  pointing  his 
finger  at  him,  he  slowly  remarked — "  No  you  don't 
hoss  !  I  jest  see  right  through  you."  "  Why,  you  fool, 
don't  you  see  by  my  appearance  that  I  am  a  gentleman  ?" 
inquired  telegraph.  The  sucker  marketeer  drew  off  a 
few  paces,  to  be  ready  to  run,  and  then  shouted — "  Yes, 
I've  seen  jest  sich  gentleman  fellars  as  you  in  the  peni- 
tentiary!" and  off  he  dashed,  congratulating  himself  on 
his  escape  from  robbery. 

Away  went  the  telegraphs  again,  heading  for  Pap's 
house,  a  stopping  place  about  one  mile  from  the  ferry, 
and  while  one  led  the  way,  the  other  two,  wishing  to 
slip  him,  hid  on  the  road-side* but  the  rival  telegraph 
seated  himself  in  the  road  to  wait  for  the  appearance  of 
his  company.  As  there  was  no  way,  in  the  clear  moon- 
light, to  get  round  him  unobserved,  they  caine  out  and 
again  started.  Now  for  it ! — best  man  at  Pap's  first ! 
Away  they  started,  "lickety-click,"  and  arrived  at  the 
winning-post  within  touching  distance  of  each  other. 
After  rapping  up  the  bar-keeper  they  seated  themselves 
by  the  stove,  leisurely  warmed  up,  and  then  inquired 
how  soon  they  expected  the  stage  along.  "  It  passed 
here  with  the  message,  full  twenty  minutes  ago .'"  was 
the  answer. 

Clear  the  track ! — hey  ! — here  was  news.  Three  im- 
portant aids  of  two  printing  establishments,  two  miles 
from  their  offices,  and  the  message  there  !  Now  com- 
menced a  stampede  unknown  to  Fashion — down  to  the 
river — on  to  the  ice  ; — pit — pat — pat — pit — slip — slide 
— bang! — and  down  he  goes  "  up,  boys,  and  at  it 
again."  The  island  was  reached  in  safety.  Here  was 
a  dangerous  gap,  at  which  stood  a  foot  passenger  afraid 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  117 

to  cross.  "  Look  out,"  he  shouted,  "  you'll  get  in 
there."  "  Get  thunder  ! — get  out  of  the  road !"  shouted 
the  foremost — through  they  dashed — the  last  sticking 
his  leg  through  &fwt,  and  the  city  side  was  gained  like 
a  flash  of  lightning.  The  leading  telegraph  reached  the 
composing  room  of  an  enterprising  city  paper,  just  as 
the  foreman  was  shouting — proof! 


THE   PRE-EMPTION   EIGHT; 


DICK  KELSY  \vas  one  of  the  earliest  settlers  in  the 
Upper  Missouri  country,  and  a  more  open-hearted  or 
careless  son  of  Kentucky,  never  squatted  in  the  "  Far 
West."  He  had  wandered  from  his  parent  state  more 
for  a  change  of  location  than  any  desire  to  improve  his 
condition,  and  if  a  spot  offered  easy  hunting  facilities, 
it  mattered  not  what  contingencies  were  added,  Dick 
"  sot  himself  down  thar."  Tall,  raw-boned,  good-na- 
tured and  fearless,  he  betrayed  no  ambition  to  excel, 
except  in  his  rifle,  and  the  settlers  generally  conceded 
that  his  "  shooting-iron"  was  particularly  certain !  A 
spot  upon  one  of  the  tributaries  of  the  Missouri  won 
Dick's  heart  at  first  sight — it  bordered  upon  a  beautiful 
stream  ; — had  a  far  spreading  prairie,  skirted  by  a  fine 
grove  of  timber,  for  a  landscape,  and  abounded  with  all 
sorts  of  game,  from  a  prairie  fowl -to  an  Indian.  Here 
Dick  built  his  cabin,  beneath  the  shadow  of  bis  own 
cotton  tree,  and  he  used  to  tell  his  neighbours  that  nature 
had,  after  practising  on  the  rest  of  creation,  spread  her 


118  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

finishing  touches  on  his  claim.     Its  wild  beauty  de- 
served his  lavish  praise. 

In  this  western  habitation  our  hero  held  undisturbed 
sway,  his  only  companion  being  a  negro  slave,  who  was 
at  once  his  master's  attendant  -and  friend.  Kelsy  and 
the  negro  had  been  raised  together,  and  from  associa- 
tion, although  so  opposite  their  positions,  had  imbibed 
a  lasting  affection  for  each  other, — each  would  have 
freely  shed  blood  in  the  other's  defence.  The  bonds 
of  servitude  were,  consequently,  moulded  into  links  of 
friendship  and  affection,  securing  to  them  a  feeling  of 
confidence  in  their  lonely  habitation  in  the  wilderness. 
Their  nearest  neighbours  were  situated  at  a  small  trad- 
ing settlement,  some  ten  miles  distant,  where  Dick  al- 
ways repaired  to  exchange  his  furs  for  ammunition  and 
other  essentials.  Here  he  also  learned  the  news  from 
the  far-off  seat  of  government ;  but  the  busy  world  be- 
yond little  interested  these  roving  sons  of  the  western 
forests, — a  brush  with  the  red  skins,  or  a  challenge 
shooting  match,  possessed  much  more  interest  for  them. 
At  length,  however,  these  western  pioneers  were  aroused 
from  their  quietude  and  inactivity  by  the  news  that 
Congress  had  passed  the  famous  Pre-emption  Law.  As 
yet  none  in  the  region  we  write  of  knew  its  provisions, 
or,  distinctly,  what  rights  it  conferred ;  each  squatter, 
therefore,  laid  out  the  bounds  of  his  claim  in  accordance 
with  his  own  desire,  and  stood  ready  to  defend  the  title 
against  all  encroachments.  The  fever  of  emigration 
became  an  epidemic,  and  soon  that  speculating  mania, 
which,  in  imagination,  built  fortunes  in  a  day,  spread 
even  to  the  confines  of  civilization.  The  axe  of  the 
pioneer  soon  began  to  startle  the  wild  denizens  of  the 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  119 

forest,  where  for  age's  the  hunter  alone  had  disturbed 
their  repose. 

One  bright  morning  a  ripple  of  the  advancing  tide,  in 
the  persons  of  two  strangers,  was  discovered  by  Dick 
about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from  his  cabin,  where,  appa- 
rently, they  had  rested  for  the  night.  The  first  was  a 
man  about  middle  stature,  of  a  dark  swarthy  complexion, 
with  an  uneasy  eye,  prominent  teeth,  and  clad  in  a  di- 
lapidated suit  of  Kentucky  jean  ; — an  old  chip  hat  sur- 
mounted his  figure,  and  in  his  right  hand  he  held  the 
sceptre  of  the  pioneer — a  rifle!  His  companion  was  a 
pale,  sickly-looking  little  woman,  clad  in  a  coarse  lin- 
sey-woolsey gown,  and  in  her  hand  she  held  a  faded 
calico  sun-bonnet ;  close  by  stood  a  small  wagon,  with 
a  quilt  cover,  to  which  was  harnessed  a  horse,  bearing 
evident  marks  of  long  travel  and  hard  fare. 

"  How  are  you,  strangers  ?"  was  Dick's  first  query. 
"  Judgin'  from  appearances,  you're  lookin'  out  a  loca- 
tion." 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  man,  in  a  surly  tone,  "  I've  been 
lookin'  all  along,  but  I  aint  found  any  yet  fit  fur  a  white 
man." 

"  Well,  you've  jest  got  to  the  spot  now,"  says  Dick. 
"  Creation  aint  laid  out  any  place  prettier,  and  arter 
takin'  a  view  of  it,  you'll  say  so.  You  and  the  missus 
better  go  up  to  my  cabin  and  rest  till  you  can  take  a 
good  look  at  its  best  pints,  and  I  predicate  you'll  come 
to  a  conclusion." 

"  Well,  guess  I'll  stay  a  spell,"  was  the  stranger's 
response,  and  following  Dick,  he  was  introduced  be- 
neath the  Kentuckian's  hospitable  roof,  after  which  Dick 
started  to  the  settlement  for  some  notions  with  which  to 
entertain  them  more  comfortably.  On  his  arrival  the 


120  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

whole  conversation  at  the  settlement  was  the  pre-emption 
act,  and  during  the  debate  on  its  merits,  he  mentioned 
the  "  new  arrival"  in  his  neighbourhood,  of  the  stran- 
gers They  had  passed  through  the  settlement,  and  as 
all  new  comers  are  a  subject  of  interest,  various  opinions 
were  expressed  in  regard  to  these. 

"  Judgin'  from  that  stranger's  frontispiece,"  said  one, 
"  I  shouldn't  like  him  fur  a  near  neighbour?" 

"  He's  rayther  a  sour  lookin'  customer,"  added  an- 
other;  "  and  howr  dreadful  poorly  his  wife  looks." 

"  I've  invited  him  to  locate  near  me,"  remarked  Kelsy, 
"  and  I  can't  say  he's  got  a  very  pleasin'  look ;  but  the 
rough  shell  may  have  a  good  kernel,  boys." 

After  providing  necessaries,  Dick  gave  the  settlers  an 
invitation  to  come  up  and  help  the  stranger  to  raise  a 
cabin.  All  agreed  to  be  thar  on  the  next  Saturday,  and 
homeward  he  started.  On  his  arrival,  Sam  was  cook- 
ing the  evening  meal  of  wild  game  and  corn  bread,  all 
the  time  expatiating  to  the  guests  what  a  good  man 
"  Massa  Dick"  was,  and  particularly  impressing  upon 
their  minds  that  he,  (Sam,)  was  "Massa  Dick's  'stror- 
dinary  niggah !"  Sam's  efforts  at  amusement  failed 
upon  the  strangers,  for  one  \vas  quietly  weeping,  while 
the  other  wore  a  scowl  of  anger.  Dick  noticed  their 
looks  on  entering,  and  endeavoured  to  cheer  them — 

"  Don't  look  down  hearted,  strangers,"  said  he, 
«  you  aint  among  Ingins  ef  you  are  near  'em — thar  aint 
a  spot  in  the  universal  yearth  calkilated  to  make  you 
feel  better  than  whar  you  are  now.  Sam  and  me  never 
felt  bad  sence  we  located  here, — only  when  the  Ingins 
penned  us  in  the  cabin  fur  three  days,  while  all  our  bar 
meat  was  hangin'  on  the  outside." 

"It's  this  cussed  woman,"  answered  the  stranger, 


'THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  121 

"  that  makes  me  feel  bad — she's  etarnally  whimperin' 
about  bein'  so  fur  from  home — I  wish  she  was  in  h-11 !" 

"  Stop  that,  stranger,"  said  Dick,  in  a  determined 
tone;  "the  love  I  have  for  an  old  Kentucky  mother 
won't  permit  me  to  see  or  hear  one  of  her  sex  abused 
beneath  my  cabin  roof,  ef  it  is  in  the  wilderness, — I 
don't  like  red  skins,  none  of  'em,  but  even  a  squaw 
couldn't  be  abused  here  !" 

"  Well,  I'm  done,"  was  the  reply.  "  I'll  git  a  cabin 
of  my  own,  and  then  I  guess  I'll  do  as  I  please." 

"  No  you  won't,"  said  Dick ;  "  ef  you  stay  in  these 
diggins  and  abuse  her,  youVe  in  a  hotter  place  than 
whar  you  jest  now  wished  her." 

It  may  be  supposed  that  the  host  and  his  guest  retired, 
the  first  night  of  their  meeting,  with  no  favourable  im- 
pression of  each  other ;  and  while  Sam  and  his  master 
were  making  all  right  for  the  night,  the  former  ventured 
to  remark — 

"  Dar  aint  much  good  in  dat  white  man,  Massa 
Dick." 

"  Not  a  heap,  Sam,"  was  his  master's  reply ;  "  but  he 
shan't  pisin  us  long  with  his  company ;"  and  with  this 
comfortable  resolve  they  turned  in  for  the  night. 

At  daylight  Dick  started  out  with  his  rifle  on  his  arm, 
to  observe  the  foot-prints  around  his  dwelling,  and  note 
whether  they  were  biped  or  quadruped,  the  close  prox- 
imity of  the  Indian  tribes  and  their  frequent  thefts, 
making  caution  and  care  necessary  to  preserve,  not  only 
property,  but  life.  As  he  was  returning  to  his  cabin  a 
scream  startled  him  from  his  careless  gait — it  was  a  new 
sound  in  that  wilderness ;  and  many  a  day  had  passed 
since  Dick  heard  anything  akin  to  it.  He  started  for- 
ward with  a  bound,  convulsively  clutching  his  rifle, 
16  L 


122  THE  PRE-EMPTION  EIGHT.  - 

while  his  blood  urged  into  rapid  action  by  the  move- 
ment, was  again  forced  back  to  his  heart,  chilled  by 
another  fearful  scream  of  a  woman  in  distress.  In  a 
moment  he  emerged  from  the  strip  of  woods,  within 
view  of  his  cabin,  and  there  beheld  the  stranger  with 
his  arm  raised  to  strike ;  fronting  him  stood  §am,  pois- 
ing a  large  hunting  knife  in  defence,  while  upon  the 
other  arm  of  the  muscular  negro,  hung  the  trembling 
form  of  the  stranger's  sickly  wife.  A  few  moments  and 
Dick  was  beside  the  combatants,  inquiring  the  cause  of 
their  hostile  attitude.  When  Sam  informed  him  that 
the  stranger  had  twice,  with  his  fist,  felled  the  woman 
to  the  earth,  his  rifle  raised  instinctively  to  his  shoulder, 
as  if  justice  demanded  instant  and  dreadful  punishment 
for  such  a  dastard  act.  Dick  slowly  remarked,  as  he 
directed  his  aim — 

"  I'll  sarve  you  out,  you  infernal  savage!" 

The  stricken  wife  observing  the  action,  threw  herself 
before  the  weapon,  imploring  the  enraged  host  to  spare 
her  husband's  life. 

"  Well,  woman  is  woman,"  soliloquised  Dick;  "for 
they'll  stick  to  the  devil,  ef  they  ever  take  a  notion  to 
him.  If  you  have  the  least  hankerin'  arter  the  mean 
varmint,  in  course  I'll  let  him  slide ;  but  he  must  clar 
out  of  my  diggins — I  can't  be  near  whar  anythin'  of  his 
breed  grows, — so  arter  breakfast  wre'll  separate." 

When  the  morning  meal  was  ended,  the  stranger  drew 
up  his  wagon,  thrust  his  companion  into  it,  and  sullenly 
departed,  muttering  a  threatening  farewell. 

"  God  help  that  poor  creatur,"  said  Dick,  as  his  late 
guests  disappeared  from  view,  "  she's  got  a  hard  row  to 
hoe,  and  as  for  that  sarpent  with  her,  he'd  better  keep 
out  of  my  tracks.  I  should  be  mightily  tempted  to  sarch 


"I'll  savve  you  out,  you  infernal  savage  !" 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  123 

his  carcass  to  see  ef  he  had  a  heart  in  it.  Sam,"  con- 
tinued he,  "  you're  a  nigger,  but  thar's  more  real  white 
man  tffcder  your  black  skin  than  could  be  found  in  an 
acre  of  such  varmints  as  that  sucker.  Give  me  your 
fist,  old  fellar ;  while  Dick  Kelsy's  got  anythin'  in  this 
world,  you  shall  share  it !" 

While  this  bond  of  closer  friendship  was  being 
formed  between  master  and  slave,  malice  was  holding 
her  revel  in  the  heart  of  their  late  guest.  He  had  ob- 
served Dick's  love  for  the  spot  where  he  had  squatted, 
and  judging  rightly  that  he  had  neglected  to  file  his 
claim  to  it  in  the  Land  Office,  he  stopped  a  short  dis- 
tance below  him,  intending  to  remain,  and,  if  possible 
gain  possession  of  it.  Kelsy  had  his  dislike  for  the 
stranger  increased  by  finding  him  remain  on  his  section, 
and  he  ordered  him  to  leave  forthwith.  The  stranger 
gave  as  an  excuse,  that  his  wife  wras  so  sick  that  she 
couldn't  travel,  and  ended  with  a  request  that  he  would 
let  him  erect  a  hut  to  shelter  her,  while  he  went  in 
search  of  a  permanent  location.  In  pity  for  her,  Dick 
consented,  and  the  stranger  proceeded  to  prepare  timber 
for  a  small  cabin.  The  following  Saturday  the  neigh- 
bors gathered,  and  by  nightfall  placed  a  roof  over  their 
heads,  kindly  supplied  them  with  some  necessaries,  and 
left,  each  more  confirmed  in  his  dislike  for  the  stranger. 
The  next  morning  he  started  off,  as  many  supposed, 
never  to  return  ;  the  natural  kindness  of  the  settlers  was 
immediately  manifested  towards  his  wife,  and  nothing 
that  would  conduce  to  her  comfort,  was  lacking  in  the 
cabin  of  this  heart-broken  woman. 

After  the  lapse  of  several  days,  contrary  to  all  expec- 
tation, the  stranger  returned,  and  a  visible  change  was 
manifested  in  his  manner — his  surliness  assumed  a  more 


124  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

impudent  and  offensive  character,  and  on  receiving  a 
further  intimation  that  it  was  time  he  was  moving,  he 
insolently  told  Dick  to  "  clear  out,"  himself,  to  that 
he,  (the  stranger,)  was  the  rightful  owner  of  the  claim. 
Dick  laughed  at  him,  and  told  him  to  be  oft*  quietly, 
that  his  carcass  was  safe  while  that  woman  clung  to 
him. 

Kelsy  was  laughing  next  day,  down  at  the  settlement, 
as  he  related  the  stranger's  words,  and  described  his 
insolent  bearing ;  but  his  smile  of  scorn  was  turned  to 
a  frown  of  wrath,  when  the  Land  Agent,  who  happened 
to  hear  him,  informed  the  unsuspecting  squatter,  that 
the  stranger  had,  indeed,  entered  the  claim  his  cabin 
was  upon.  Dick,  on  hearing  this  news,  shivered  the 
bottle  in  his  hand  to  atoms,  and  drawing  his  breath 
through  his  teeth  until  it  fairly  whistled,  he  remarked — 

"  That  stranger  may  have  some  of  my  claim,  but  his 
share  shall  be  my  signature  to  the  title." 

The  sun  was  fast  sinking  when  Dick  started  home, 
rather  limber  from  the  effects  of  wrath  and  liquor. 
Having  resigned  himself  to  the  care  of  his  horse,  he 
swung  from  side  to  side,  in  a  state  of  dozing  uncon- 
sciousness. When  he  neared  his  cabin,  it  had  become 
pitch  dark,  to  which,  if  possible,  the  woods  bordering 
his  claim,  added  a  gloomier  shade.  The  instant  his 
horse  entered  beneath  the  foliage,  a  sharp  pain  shot 
through  the  side  of  the  rider,  so  acute  as  to  wake  his 
powers  suddenly  into  full  consciousness.  The  spring 
he  made  in  the  saddle  startled  his  horse  forward  into  a 
rapid  gait,  and  in  an  instant  more,  a  sickly  sensation 
robbed  him  of  all  consciousness.  When  he  opened  his 
eyes  with  returning  animation,  his  look  fell  upon  his 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  125 

faithful  slave,  who  wras  bending,  with  an  anxious  coun- 
tenance, over  the  rude  couch  of  his  master. 

"  Bress  God  !  Massa  Dick,  you  knows  Sam,  your  ole 
nigga — I  sees  you  does — dars  life  in  you  yet,  massa, — 
dar  is,  but  dis  poor  nigga  had  amost  gib  you  up,  for 
sartain !" 

An  unseen  hand  had,  in  the  darkness,  plunged  a  knife 
into  Dick's  body,  as  he  entered  the  wood  ;  he  had  clung 
to  his  horse's  mane,  until  the  animal  stopped  at  his 
cabin  door,  where  Sam,  waiting  for  his  master,  had 
caught  his  bleeding  and  unconscious  body  in  his  arms 
as  it  fell  reeling  from  the  saddle.  The  faithful  negro 
had  staunched  the  blood,  and  applied  every  restorative 
his  rude  knowledge  could  devise ;  but  it  was  long  ere 
the  eyes  he  so  loved  opened  to  the  recollection  of  past 
events  and  present  injury. 

"  That  was  a  foul  dig  in  the  ribs,  Sam,"  murmured 
his  exhausted  master ;  "  but  ef  I  don't  trail  up  the  sar- 
pint  and  pull  his  sting  out,  it'll  be  because  I  and  that 
ar  old  rifle  of  mine  has  to  part  company!" 

The  natural  strength  of  the  patient,  together  with 
Sam's  careful  nursing,  soon  restored  him  to  his  legs, 
and  a  few  days'  gentle  exercise  imparted  strength  enough 
to  his  frame  to  support  the  weight  of  his  rifle.  A  fixed 
resolve  to  trace  the  assassin  added  a  severe  cast  to 
Dick's  pale  features — Sam,  as  he  observed  him,  quietly 
shook  his  head,  with  the  remark — 

"  Ah,  ah!  Massa  Dick's  soon  goin'  Ingin  huntin' — 
sure  /" 

One  morning,  early,  Kelsy  ordered  Sam  to  saddle  his 
horse,  and  proceeded  himself  to  clean  his  rifle ;  with 
more  than  usual  care  he  adjusted  each  particular  of  his 
accoutrements,  and  started  off  to  the  settlement,  taking 

L2 


126  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

the  road  leading  by  his  neighbor's  cabin.  On  his 
arrival,  he  gathered  a  few  of  his  cronies  together,  who 
all  knew  of  the  dastardly  attempt  on  his  life,  and  im- 
parted to  them  a  scheme  he  had  been  maturing,  for 
discovering  if  the  stranger  was  the  "  stabber  in  the 
dark," — which  few  seemed  to  doubt,  but  of  which  he 
wished  to' be  certain. 

As  the  sun  inclined  to  the  west,  Kelsy  made  prepa- 
ration for  return,  and  changing  his  dress  for  a  suit  be- 
longing to  one  of  his  friends,  he  stuffed  his  own  with 
straw,  surmounted  the  figure  with  his  fur  cap,  and 
mounted  it  upon  his  horse  before  him,  where  it  was 
.  secured  to  the  saddle  ;  four  of  his  friends  accompanied 
him,  and  thus  prepared,  they  bent  their  course  towards 
Dick's  cabin.  Night  set  in  while  they  were  on  their 
march,  and  soon  the  moon  rose,  casting  her  soft  light 
over  a  prairie  landscape,  as  beautiful  as  ever  the  eye  of 
man  rested  upon.  It  was  a  western  scene  of  wild  and 
picturesque  loveliness,  grand  in  its  vastness  of  extent, 
and  rich  in  its  yet  hidden  resources.  Its  lonely  quietude 
was  calculated  to  subdue  the  wild  passions  which  throb- 
bed in  the  hearts  of  those  who  now  broke  its  stillness ; 
but  a  glance  at  the  firm  features  of  the  party,  proved 
that  its  beauty  was  unheeded  by  them  as  they  swept 
onward  to  the  dread  business  of  their  march.  When 
within  a  mile  of  Dick's  habitation,  they  halted  in  a  se- 
cluded hollow,  where  they  resigned  their  horses  to  the 
care  of  one  of  the  party,  with  instructions  to  turn  Kel- 
sey's  horse  loose  about  the  time  he  supposed.they,  by 
a  circuitous  route,  on  foot,  had  reached  the  woods,  and 
when  he  heard  a  shot,  to  follow  with  their  other  horses. 
Dick  and  his  companions  stole  unperceived  beneath  the 
shadow  of  the  wood,  and  cautiously  approached  the 


THE  P&E-EMPTION  RIGHT.  127 

trail  leading  to  his  cabin  ;  ere  they  had  reached  the  spot, 
however,  one  of  the  party  descried  the  horse  leisurely 
wending  his  way  across  a  strip  of  prairie,  the  figure 
seated  upon  his  back  swaying  from  side  to  side,  so  like 
his  owner  when  "  half  sprung,'5  that  they  could  with 
difficulty  suppress  a  laugh.  The  sound  of  the  horse's 
hoofs  brought  from  concealment  another  figure,  whose 
form  was  indistinctly  visible,  emerging  from  behind  a 
thick  covert ;  and  the  excitement  of  the  moment,  at  thus 
having  securely  trapped  the  offender,  had  almost  disco- 
vered them — their  game,  however,  was  too  intent  on 
his  purpose,  or  he  would  have  heard  the  slight  excla- 
mation which  burst  from  the  lips  of  one  of  the  party. 
Moving  stealthily  to  a  good  position  he  awaited  horse 
and  rider,  and  taking  deliberate  aim,  fired.  No  move- 
ment of  the  figure  indicated  a  hit^  and  the  party  could 
hear  his  exclamation  of  disappointment.  The  horse 
sauntered  along  undisturbed  by  the  report,  perceiving 
which,  the  assassin  hastily  reloaded,  while  Dick  and  his 
friends  crept  up  unperceived  almost  to  his  side.  Rais- 
ing his  rifle  again,  he  steadily  poised  his  aim,  and  pulled 
the  trigger — erect  the  figure  held  its  place,  and  resting 
his  rifle  upon  the  ground,  he  exclaimed — 
« I've  hit  him,  or  he's  the  devil  himself!" 
"  I  guess  its  the  old  gentleman  come  for  you, 
stranger,"  said  Dick,  as  he  snatched  the  rifle  from  his 
hand,  and  the  whole  party  closed  in  a  circle  round  him. 
The  detected  squatter  looked  paralyzed — his  tongue 
refused  its  office,  while  his  form,  quivering  with  appre- 
hension, could  scarcely  keep  erect,  and  his  usually  cold, 
uneasy  eyes  seemed  fixed  balls  of  light,  so  dreadful 
were  they  in  their  expression  of  coward  fear.  The 
party  proposed  to  settle  his  business  at  once,  and  this 


128  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

movement  loosened  his  tongue— he  broke  forth  in  piteous 
accents  of  supplication — 

"Oh,  God!  oh,  God!"  cried  he,  "you  won't  kill 
me — will  you?" 

"  Well,"  said  one  of  the  party,  "  we  won't  do  any- 
thing else?' 

Kelsy  interposed,  and  suggested  that  his  death  be 
deferred  until  daylight,  in  order  that  the  stranger  might 
see  how  it  was  done,  and  be  put  to  sleep  respectably. 
They  immediately  adjourned  to  Dick's  cabin,  where 
they  found  Sam  holding  the  straw  figure  in  his  arms,  and 
looking  in  a  state  of  stupor  at  the  horse ;  he  thought  his 
master  was  "done  for;"  but  great  was  his  joy  when 
the  well-known  sounds  of  Kelsy's  voice  assured  him  of 
his  safety. 

The  party  seated  themselves  in  a  circle  in  the  cabin, 
with  the  culprit  in  the  centre,  and  his  shrinking  form, 
trembling  with  fear,  and  pallid,  imploring  countenance, 
looked  most  pitiful.  As  Kelsy  gazed  upon  him  the 
form  of  his  sickly  wife  seemed  to  twine  her  arms  around 
his  neck,  beseeching  as  when  she  before  interposed  her- 
self between  him  and  death,  and  the  vision  of  his  mind 
searched  out  a  tender  spot  in  Dick's  heart.  He  resolved 
to  give  him  a  chance  of  escape,  and,  therefore,  proposed 
to  the  party  that  they  should  decide  by  a  game  of  cards, 
whether  the  stranger  should  die  or  be  permitted  to  leave 
the  country.  Dick's  friends  protested  against  such 
mercy ;  but  after  an  earnest  appeal  from  him,  in  behalf 
of  the  woman,  they  yielded — cards  were  produced,  and 
one  of  the  party  selected  to  play  against  the  culprit. 
By  Kelsy's  entreaty,  also,  he  was  allowed  the  choice  of 
his  own  game,  and  he  selected  euchre.  All  seated 
themselves  closer  around  the  players — breathing  seemed 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  129 

almost  suspended — a  beam  of  hope  lent  a  slight  glow 
to  the  pallid  countenance  of  the  stranger,  while  the  com- 
pressed lips  and  frowning  brow  of  his  antagonist,  gave 
assurance  that  no  mercy  would  temper  his  play  for  this 
fearful  stake.  The  rest  of  the  party  shared  his  dislike 
for  the  culprit,  who  was  looked  upon  as  a  common  foe, 
and  their  flashing  eyes  were  bent  upon  his  swarthy 
countenance  with  an  expression  of  deadly  hate,  which 
forced  out  the  cold  drops  of  perspiration  upon  his  sickly 
brow,  and  sunk  his  heart  with  fear.  The  cards  were 
cut,  and  the  stranger  won  the  deal — he  breathed  with 
hope — he  dealt  and  turned  up  the  right  bower — his 
antagonist  passed,  and  the  stranger  raising  the  bower, 
bid  him  play.  The  hand  was  soon  finished  and  the 
1  stranger  counted  two!  His  visage  lighted  up,  and  he 
wiped  his  brow  with  a  feeling  of  confidence  in  his  luck. 
The  next  hand  the  stranger  ordered  the  card  up  and 
was  euchered — they  now  stood  even,  and  he  again  looked 
anxious.  In  the  next  two  hands  they  successively  won, 
each  a  single  count,  and  it  was  the  stranger's  deal  again 
— he  turned  up  a  king,  and  held  in  his  hand  the  queen 
and  ten  of  trumps,  together  with  the  eight  of  diamonds 
and  the  king  and  ten  of  clubs.  His  antagonist  ordered 
the  king  up,  and  as  the  stranger  discarded  his  diamond, 
a  gleam  of  certain  success  overspread  his  visage — the 
rigid  face  of  his  antagonist  betrayed  no  sign  of  exulta- 
tion, but  his  brow,  on  the  contrary,  became  closer  knit 
into  a  scowl,  which,  by  his  party,  was  looked  upon  as 
a  presage  of  defeat.  Dick's  friend  Jed  tliejack  of  clubs 
— the  stranger  followed  suit  with  his  ten  of  clubs — then 
came  the  ace  of  trumps— the  stranger  paused  a  moment, 
and  played  his  ten  spot — out  canore  the  right  bower,  and 
he  yielded  his  queen — the  left  fell  before  his  eyes,  and 
17 


130  THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT. 

his  last  trump,  the  king,  was  swept  away!  At  'each 
play  his  countenance  grew  more  and  more  ashy  in  its 
expression  of  despair  and  dread ;  his  lips  had  lost  their 
color,  and  his  eyes  had  gained  an  intenseness  of  ex- 
pression that  seemed  as  if  they  could  look  into  the  very 
soul  of  the  frowning  figure  before  him,  and  read  there 
his  impending  doom.  For  the  first  time  a  slight  smile 
played  upon  the  features  of  Dick's  friend  as  slowly  he 
spread  before  him  the  ace  of  clubs!  The  stranger 
crushed  his  king  within  his  trembling  hands  and  threw 
it  from  him,  as  he  sunk  into  a  state  of  stupor,  the  very 
counterpart  of  death. 

"  Your  game's  up,  stranger,"  coolly  remarked  the 
winner;  "yes,  it's  up — played  very  neat — but  it's  up! 
And  you've  jest  won  a  small  patch  of  Kelsy's  claim — 
about  six  foot  by  two,  or  thereabouts." 

The  sun  had  begun  to  tip  the  tops  of  the  forest  trees, 
when  this  exciting  contest  was  ended,  and  all  the  party 
adjourned  to  the  outside,  with  the  doomed  stranger  in 
their  midst.  rThey  moved  with  silence,  for  a  deed  of 
blood  was  to  be  enacted.  The  law  of  the  wilderness 
was  about  to  ofier  up  a  victim  for  common  safety — the 
midnight  assassin  to  expiate  his  guilt  upon  the  spot,  and 
by  the  hand  of  him  whom  he  had  there  endeavored  to 
consign  to  death. — The  music  of  the  morning  songsters 
met  no  harmonious  accord  in  the  hearts  of  those  who 
now  strode  amid  their  melodies — the  sweet  morning  air 
kissed  brows  fevered  with  passion,  and  the  light  breeze 
that  played  amid  the  forest  grove  and  skipped  innocently 
across  the  far  spread  prairie,  was  about  to  bear  upon  its 
pinions  the  shriek  of  agony.  Having  arrived  at  a  suitable 
spot,  they  bound  the  culprit  to  a  sapling,  and  he  hung 
in  his  bonds  already,  apparently,  bereft  of  life. 


THE  PRE-EMPTION  RIGHT.  131 

"  Stick  him  up  at  a  hundred  yards,  boys,"  said  Dick; 
"  ef  he  is  a  snake,  give  him  a  <  small  show'  for  life,  and 
ef  I  miss  him  at  the  first  fire  we'll  let  him  slip." 

The  culprit  aroused  on  hearing  this,  and  plead  for 
the  smallest  chance  in  the  world. 

"  Don't  shoot  me  like  &mad  dog !"  he  exclaimed,  in 
most  piteous  accents. 

"  You're  worse,  you  hound,"  said  his  late  antagonist; 
"  and  if  Dick  don't  wind  up  your  business  for  you,  / 
will." 

"  Come,  boys,"  continued  Dick,  "  you  all  know  that 
this  old  iron's  certain,  so  give  the  varmint  this  chance — 
it'll  please  him,  and  he'll  die  off  all  the  easier!" 

After  some  persuasion,  Dick's  request  was  acceded 
to,  and  the  parties  took  their  positions.  Life  hung,  for 
the  culprit,  by  but  a  thread,  and  that  thread  the  will 
*  of  Kelsy.  Slowly  the  latter  raised  his  rifle,  while  the 
party,  breathless,  intently  fixed  their  eyes  upon  the 
victim.  Dick's  hand  began  to  tremble,  and  his  aim 
became  unsteady,  for  the  sickly  form  of  the  stranger's 
wife  again  seemed  to  rise  and  plead  for  mercy — he 
rested  his  rifle  on  the  ground,  without  the  heart  to  fire; 
but,  in  an  instant  the  vision  fled,  and  his  eye  fell  clear 
upon  the  countenance  of  the  stranger;  a  morning  ray 
lighting  up  his  features,  exhibited  a  gleam  of  mingled 
triumph,  hatred,  hope,  and  revenge — there  was  no  mis- 
taking its  dark  expression  of  contending  passions.  The 
pity  that  had  almost  unnerved  Kelsy  and  saved  his  foe, 
vanished,  and  raising  his  rifle  sudden  as  thought,  the 
weapon  rung  out  the  stranger's  knell.  As  the  ball  from 
its  muzzle  sped  through  his  brain,  a  wild  shriek  arose 
upon  the  air,  and  all  was  again  still — they  loosened  his 
bonds,  and  he  fell  forward,  dead! 


132  YALLER  PLEDGES. 

X 

His  remains  were  consigned  to  the  earth  without  a 
tear,  even  from  his  companion,  to  whom  the  tragedy 
had  been  imparted.  His  cruelties  had  long  since  ob- 
literated from  her  heart  the  last  spark  of  early  fondness ; 
all  she  requested,  when  the  grave  had  closed  over  him, 
was  to  be  sent  to  her  friends  in  Ohio,  which  was  kindly 
done  by  the  settlers — Dick  bestowing  upon  her  his  whole 
stock  of  fine  furs  to  defray  her  expenses. 

Kelsy  set  himself  down  in  undisturbed  possession  of 
his  claim,  and  Sam,  his  faithful  slave,  often  points  to 
the  small  green  mound  at  the  edge  of  the  grove,  with 
the  remark— 

"  Dat's  Massa  Dick's  signature  to  dis  land  claim — 
datis!" 


YALLER  PLEDGES; 

OR,    THE    FIGHT    ABOUT    SALLY    SPILLMAN. 

"  IT  aint  natral  fur  a  fellar  to  tell  of  his  gittin'  licked, 
but  I  must  tell  jou  about  that  thar  fight  between  me  and 
Jess  Stout — it  \var  a  screamer,  by  thunder !  and  ef  I  did 
gin  in,  it  warn't  in  the  course  of  human  natur'  to  do 
any  how  else.  That  gal  spontenaceously  hankered  arter 
Jess,  and  besides,  he'd  piled  up  the  affection  in  her,  by 
an  amazin'  long  spell  of  courtin'.  I  did  kinder  edge 
into  her  likin',  and  gin  to  speckelate  big  on  throwin' 
Jess,  but  that  fight  knocked  my  calculations  all  to  frit- 
ters. I'm  some  in  a  bar  fight,  and  considerable  among 
pewters,  but  I  warn't  no  whar  in  that  fight  with  Jess. 
In  course,  I'll  tell  you,  boys,  so  sot  yourselves  round, 
and  pass  along  that  corn  juice. 


YALLER  PLEDGES.  133 

• 

"You  see,  every  time  I  come  up  from  Lusiane,  I 
found  Jess  hangin'  round  that  gal,  Sally  Spillman, 
lookin'  orful  sweet,  and  a  fellar  couldn't  go  near  her 
without  risin'  his  dander — he  was  jealous  as  a  hen  with 
young  chickens.  I  sot  my  eyes  on  her,  to  find  out  what 
Jess  saw  in  her  so  amazin'  inticin',  and  I  swar  ef  a 
close  examination  didn't  make  me  yearn  arter  her  like 
a  weaned  yearling.  She  was  all  sorts  of  a  gal — -thar 
warn't  a  sprinklin'  too  much  of  her — she  stuck  out  all 
over  jest  far  enough  without  cushinin' — had  an  eye  that 
would  make  a  fellar's  heart  try  to  get  out  of  his  bosom, 
and  then  sich  har  ; — her  step  was  as  light  as  a  panter's, 
and  her  breath  sweet  as  a  prairie  flower.  In  my  opi- 
nion, the  mother  of  all  human  natur'  warn't  an  atom 
slicker  model ;  she  desarved  the  pick  of  a  whole  crea- 
tion, and  I  jest  felt  that  I  was  made  a  purpose  for  her! 

"  At  all  the  frolicks  round  the  country,  down  in  the 
Missouri  bottom,  or  up  the  Osage,  Jess  was  hangin' 
arter  that  gal,  lookin'  honey  at  her,  and  pizin  at  the  fel- 
lars  who  spoke  pleasin'  to  her.  I  thort  I'd  try  my  hand 
at  makin'  him  oneasy,  so  one  night,  at  a  frolick,  I  sidled 
up  to  her  and  axed  how  she  wur,  and  ef  that  ailin'  nig- 
ger of  her  daddy's  wur  improvin',  what  'ud  be  the  pro- 
bable amount  of  the  old  man's  tobaccer  crop  this  season, 
and  some  other  interestin'  matters  of  talk.  She  said 
that  she  was  thrivin',  as  usual,  the  nigger  wur  comin' 
on  as  well  as  could  be  expected,  and  the  old  man's  crop 
promised  to  be  purty  considerable.  Nothin'  could  be 
more  satisfying  so  I  kept  on  a  talkin',  and  she  got  a 
laffin',  and  Jess  begun  a  scowlin'.  I  seed  he  warn't 
pleased,  but  I  didn't  estimate  him  very  tall,  so  I  kept 
on,  got  a  dancin'  with  Sally,  and  ended  by  kissin'  her 

M 


1 34  YALLER  PLEDGES, 

•  * 

good  by,  that  night,  and  makin'  Jess  jtai&us  as  a  pet 
pinter ! 

"  I  wur  agoin  to  start  to  Lusiane  next  day,  with  a  flat 
load  of  tobaccer  and  other  groceries,  and  afore  I  went, 
I  thort  I'd  send  a  present  of  my  pet  <  bar  cub'  over  to 
Sally,  jest  to  have  a  sorter  hitch  on  her  till  I'd  git  back  ; 
so  I  gits  my  nigger  Jim  and  gins  him  the  followin'  note, 
with  the  bar  cub,  and  special  directions  that  he  wur  to 
give  'em  both  to  Sally,  herself: 

"  i  PANTER  CRIK,  NEAR  BAR  DIGGINS, 

Juin  twenty  4. 

"  C  To  THE  CAPTIVATin'  MlSS  SALLY  SPILLMAN  '. 

"  'Your  tender  adorer,  Sam  Crowder,  sends  you  the  folio  win* 
fust  trofy  of  a  hunt  on  the  Osage ;  the  condition  of  this  bar  are 
somethin7  like  him,  the  bar  are  all  fat,  he  are  all  tenderness  ! 
Hopin'  that  you  will  gin  up  a  small  corner  of  your  heart  to  the 
writer,  while  he  is  among  the  furriners  of  Lusiane,  he  will  ever 
remember  you,  and  be  sure  not  to  furgit  to  bring  a  pledge  of 
affection  from  the  sunny  south,  to  bind  our  openin7  loves. 

"  l  Yours,  with  stream,  or  agin  it, 
" '  SAM  CROWDER. 

"  I  studdyed  that  out  with  considerable  difficulty,  and 
writ  it  with  more,  and  <  stick  me  on  a  sand-bar'  ef  that 
Jess  didn't  way-lay  Jim  and  read  the  note !  Maybe  it 
didn't  stir  up  the  alluvial  bottom  of  his  love  fur  Sally — 
the  varmint's  countenance  looked  as  riled  as  the  old 
Missouri  in  a  June  rise. 

"  Off  I  started  next  day,  with  my  flat,  for  the  impo- 
rium  of  the  south,  and  as  I  war  floating  along,  I  couldn't 
help  turnin'  over  in  my  mind  what  a  scrougin  smart 
family  the  Crowders  would  be,  when  Sally  and  I  agreed 
upon  annexation.  I  jest  thort  I  could  see  <•  young  Sam,' 
the  fust  boy,  standin'  on  the  other  eend  of  the  flat,  strong 


n — spry  as  a  catamount — fair 
as  Sally  and  keen  as  his  daddy — I  swar,  I  yelled  rite 
out,  thinkin'  on  it. 

"  While  I  was  in  this  way  rollin'  in  clover,  by  pic- 
turin'  what,  was  to  be,  they  wur  tarin'  my  character  all 
to  chitlins  up  at  home.  My  perlite  note  was  raisin'  a 
parfect  freshet  of  wrath  agin  me.  That  display  of 
larnin',  about  bringin'  home  a  pledge  of  affection,  from 
the  sunny  south,  most  onaccountably  overset  my  whole 
family  prospects.  It  wur  a  stumper  to  Sally,  so  she  got 
Jess  to  explain  it,  and  the  way  he  did  it  was  enormous. 

"  <  Why,  don't  you  see,'  ses  Jess,  <  he  means  to 
bring  you  up  one  of  his  nigger  children,  from  the  south, 
to  nuss!  Nothing  can  be  plainer — thar  aint  no  other 
'pledges  of  affection'  than  children,  that  I  know  on.' 

"Well,  I  swar  ef  she  didn't  believe  him. 

"  <  The  nasty  dog,'  ses  Sally,  <  does  he  think  I'm 
agoin  to  nuss  any  of  his  yaller  pledges — ef  them  thar  is 
all  he's  got  to  offer,  he  aint  wuth  shucks,  and  ef  you 
don't  lick  him  fur  his  onmannerly  note,  you  aint  wuth 
shucks,  nuther.' 

"  Not  dreamin'  of  the  row  at  home,  I  was  a  huntin' 
through  Noo  Orlins  fur  presents  fur  Sally.  I  bought  a 
roll  of  ribbon,  a  pocket  full  of  lace,  and  a  bran  new, 
shinin'  silk  parasol,  and  was  comin'  along,  slow  and 
easy,  by  the  St.  Louis  Exchange,  when  I  heerd  Major 
Beard  cryin'  off  a  lot  of  field  hands.  I  jest  sauntered 
in  as  he  was  puttin'  up  a  picanninny  <  yaller  gal,'  about 
five  years  old.  The  little  gal  had  no  mammy  livin', 
and  looked  sorter  sickly,  so  nobody  seemed  anxious  to 
git  her.  I  hollered  fifty  dollars,  and  the  little  creatur' 
brightened  up  when  she  seed  who  was  a  biddin'  ;  I 
didn't  look  like  a  sugar  or  cotton  planter,  and  the  crea- 


%v  V 

136         V^^%.    YALLERv  PLEDGES, 

\  <lteAKS^  N       >x 

tur'  seemed  glad  that  I  warn't.  Some  cotton  fellar  here 
bid  sixty  dollars,  and  she  wilted  rite  down — I  thort 
what  a  slick  present  she'd  be  fur  Sally,  and  how  well 
she'd  do  to  tend  the  children,  so  I  sung  out  seventy 
dollars  ;  she  knew  my  voice,  and  I  could  see  her  eyelids 
trimble.  No  sooner  did  the  Major  drop  the  hammer 
on  seventy  dollars,  than  she  looked  wuth  a  hundred, 
she  was  so  pleased  at  my  buyin'  her.  She  was  a  nice 
little  creatur',  but  her  har  was  oncommon  straight. 

"  I  started  up  home  next  day,  with  my  purchases,  and 
sich  a  time  as  I  had  on  the  way.  I  got  dreamin'  so 
-  strong  about  bein'  married  to  Sally,  that  I  was  etarnally 
wrakin'  up  huggin'  and  kissin'  the  pillows,  as  ef  they 
wur  gals  at  a  huskin'.  At  last  I  got  home,  tickled  all 
to  death  at  my  future  prospects.  I  met  Jess  at  the 
landin' — he  gin  me  a  starr,  looked  at  the  little  yaller 
gal,  and  then  spread  himself  with  a  guffaw,  as  ef  he  wur 
goin'  into  fits.  I  riled  up  a  little,  but  thought  thar  wur 
time  enough  to  sarve  him  out,  so  I  passed  on.  The 
fellars  ijri  the  settlement  seemed  to  be  allfired  pleased 
at  my  gittin'  back,  fur  they  kept  a  grinnin'  and  bowin' 
and  lookin'  at  my  little  yaller  gal. 

"  « Wont  you  take  a  little  suthin',  Sam,'  said  Jim 
Belt,  the  grocery  keeper. 

"  'Not  now,  I  thank  you,  Jim,  ses  I.' 

"  <  What,  you  aint  agoin'  in  fur  temperance  pledges, 
too,  are  you  ?'  asked  Jim,  and  then  the  boys  all  holler'd 
as  ef  they'd  bust  thar  heads. 

"  'Not  ex-a-c-t-ly!'  ses  I,  rather  slow,  tryin'  all  the 
time  to  find  out  what  the  fun  war,  but  I  couldn't  get  it 
through  my  kiverin'  of  har,  so  I  gin  it  up  and  went 
home.  Next  day  thar  wur  to  be  a  campmeetin'  down 
in  the  bottom,  and  all  the  boys  and  gals  wur  agoin'  to 


YALLER  PLEDGES.        *  137 


it  ;  so,  to  make  a  shine  with  Sally,  I  sent  over  word  that 
I  would  call  that  mornin'  and  bring  with  me  my  fust 
pledge  of  affection,  meanin'  the  parasol,  and  hoped  it 
would  be  to  her  mind  both  in  textur  and  color.  Back 
came  this  note  in  anser  : 

"  <KUNE  HOLLER,  Juli  8. 
£<  l  Miss  Spillman's  compliments 

"  l  To  Sam  Crowder,  Esq.;  the  fust  pledge  of  his  affections  is  a 
little  too  yaller,  and  the  textur  of  its  har  is  too  tight  a  curl,  and, 
more'n  that,  she  aint  ambitious  to  hev  any  of  his  pledges  ef  tha 
wur  all  white. 

"  f  SALLY  SPILLMAN,' 

"  I  nigh  onto  bust  with  madness  !  —  I  could  feel  every 
har  on  rny  head  kindlin'  at  the  eend,  'cause  I  knew 
sum  cussed  lie  had  been  told  her,  and  I  blamed  Jess  fur 
'doin'  it.  I  jest  swar  a  bible  oath,  I'd  spile  his  pictur' 
so  he  couldn't  enjoy  campmeetin'  much  ;  so  next  mornin,' 
bright  and  airly,  I  accidentally  fell  in  with  Jess,  goin' 
arter  Sally,  with  all  his  Sunday  kiverin'  on,  lookin'  as 
nice  as  a  <  stall  fed  two  year  old.'  I  rite  up  and  asked 
him  what  he  meant  by  tellin'  lies  to  the  galls  about  me  ; 
that  I'd  hearn  on  'em  all  over  the  settlement. 

"  <I  haint  told  no  lie  on  you,'  ses  Jess,  'fur  what's 
told,  you  told  yourself  —  ef  you  hev  nigger  babies  in  the 
south,  you  needn't  insult  decent  white  gals  by  offerin' 
to  let  'em  nuss  'em  —  ' 

"I  didn't  wait  till  he  finished  afore  I  hit  him,  biff, 
alongside  of  his  smeller,  and  went  into  him  all-fours, 
catamount  fashion.  The  thing  had  now  cum  to  a 
win  din'  up  pint  —  this  fight  war  to  eend  the  matter  about 
Sally,  and  as  I  didn't  want  to  gin  her  up  easy,  I  laid 
myself  out  fur  a'purty  long  spell.  I  could  soon  see  by 
the  way  Jess  went  to  work  that  he'd  kalculated  upon  a 
18  M2 


133  YALLER  PLEDGES. 


pretty  big  chunk  of  a  fight,  too,  so  we  both  began  to 
save  ourselves.  I  had  a  leetle  the  advantage  of  Jess, 
for  he  didn't  want  to  spile  his  Sunday  fix-ups,  while  I 
didn't  care  a  cuss  fur  my  old  boat  suit.  When  I'd  grab 
his  trowsers  and  gin  'em  a  hitch,  he'd  ease  off,  and  then 
I'd  lend  him  a  staggerer,  which  was  generally  follered 
by  his  makin'  me  fly  round  like  a  weazel  —  cre-a-tion, 
how  tough  he  war  ! 

"  While  we  wur  bavin'  a  rite  smart  time  together, 
nary  one  of  us  seed  Sally  ridin'  along  down  the  wagin 
track,  lookin'  out  fur  Jess,  but  she  seed  us,  hitched  her 
horse,  and  climbed  onto  a  stump  to  see  the  fight  out. 
As  I  war  carfully  reachin'  fur  Jess'  ear  with  my  grinders, 
I  heerd  her  sing  out  — 

"  <  Tech  it  ef  you  dar!  —  you  nigger  cannibal  !' 

"  Her  hollerin'  gin  Jess  an  advantage  and  helped  his 
strength  powerfully,  fur  the  next  minitl  war  on  my  back 
and  him  right  astraddle  on  me. 

"  <  Sock  your  teeth  into  him,  Jess  !'  screamed  Sally, 
and  about  then,  je-e-e-miny  fellars,  I  leaped  as  ef 
lightnin'  had  hit  me,  fur  his  grinders  had  met  through 
the  flesh  she  called  his  attention  to.  I  squirmed,  and 
struggled,  and  chawed  meat,  but  he  held  on  —  I  grabbed 
his  new  trowsers,  and  tore  them  like  paper  —  he  was 
agoin  to  let  go  to  kiver  his  coat  tails  over  the  torn  place, 
but  Sally  hollered  out  agin  — 

«  <  Whip  the  varmint  fust  and  then  I'll  mend  'em  up!7 

«  I  squealed  enough!  rite  out  —  it  warn't  no  use  a 
fightin'  agin  such  odds.  Arter  Jess  let  me  up,  Sally 
looked  at  me,  and  puckered  up  her  mouth  as  ef  she  had 
been  eatin'  unripe  persimmons  — 

«  <  Enough  /'  ses  she,  'well,  may  I  git  ager  fits,  ef 
you're  fit  fur  anythiu'  but  to  be  the  father  of  yaller 
pledges  r  " 


'Enough'."1  ses  she;  "  Well,  may  I  git  ager  fits,  ef  you're  fit  fur  anythm"  but 
to  be  the  father  of  yaller pledges. n' 


GEORGE  MUNDAY, 

THE     HATLESS     PROPHET. 

THIS  odd  character  has  lately  favored  the  west  with  a 
visit,  and  during  two  successive  evenings  he  edified 
audiences,  numbering  about  a  thousand  persons,  in  the 
rotunda  of  the  St.  Louis  court-house.  Some  took  him 
for  the  Wandering  Jew,  and  as  he  inveighed  against  the 
evils  of  these  modern  days,  they  looked  at  him  with  a 
feeling  of  awe.  One  day  opposite  the  Planter's  house, 
during  a  military  parade,  George  was  engaged  selling 
his  edition  of  the  "  Advocate  of  Truth,"  when  a  tall 
hoosier,  who  had  been  gazing  at  him  with  astonish- 
ment for  some  time,  roared  out  in  an  immoderate  fit  of 
laughter. 

"What  do  you  see  so  funny  in  me,  to  laugh  at?" 
inquired  George. 

"  Why,  hoss,"  said  the  hoosier,  "  I  wur  jest  a  thinldn' 
ef  I'd  seed  you  out  in  the  woods,  with  all  that  liar  on, 
they  would  a  been  the  d — dest  runnin'  done  by  this 
coon  ever  seen  in  them  diggins — you're  ekill  to  the 
elephant!  and  a  leetle  the  har-yest  small  man  I've  seen 
scart  up  lately." 

A  sight  at  George,  on  his  western  tour,  has  brought 
to  my  recollection  an  anecdote,  which  entitles  him  to  a 
place  in  our  collection  of  odd  characters ; — it  occurred 
several  years  since,  in  Philadelphia,  and  the  writer  was 
an  eye  witness  of  the  occurrence. 

George's  favorite  neighborhood  for  "  holding  forth," 
wras  in  and  about  the  famous  old  "  State  House,"  where, 

139 


140  GEORGE  MUNDAY. 

bare-headed — with  unshorn  beard,  and  adorned  with  a 
simple  wooden  cross,  he,  in  a  few  moments,  would  col- 
lect a  crowd.  At  length  the  police  arrested  him,  for 
obstructing  the  passage,  and  George  was  sent  to  the 
Aims-House.  In  a  few  days,  he  escaped  from  the  in- 
stitution, and,  boiling  with  indignation,  hastened  back 
to  his  old  haunt,  to  lay  his  grievances  before  the  people. 
Having  provided  himself  with  a  couple  of  gimlets,  he 
entered  the  building,  raised  the  large  window  above 
the  back  entrance,  and,  placing  himself  on  the  old- 
fashioned  entablature  over  the  door-way,  (the  same  spot 
where  the  Declaration  of  Independence  was  read  from,) 
he  shut  down  the  window  behind  him,  securing  himself 
from  interruption  by  boring  his  gimlets  through  the 
'  sash,  into  the  frame.  Then,  with  much  solemnity,  he 
proceeded  to  paraphrase  the  "  Declaration,"  applying 
it  to  his  own  particular  case.  The  scene  was  truly 
ludicrous.  Below,  was  one  of  the  high  constables 
and  an  assistant  policeman,  together  with  a  numerous 
crowd  of  curious  hearers. 

"When,  in  the  course  of  human  events" — began 
George. 

"  Will  you  come  down  from  there?"  demanded  the 
constable. 

"A  long  train  of  abuses  and  takings  up  without 
authority, — " 

"  Aint  you  a  comin';  now? — if  you  don't  I'll  bring 
you,"  threatened  authority. 

"  Our  mayor,  like  the  kings  of  old,  set  upon  us 
swarms  of  corrupt  and  drunken  officers  to  put  the  pro- 
phets of  truth  into  pestilential  abodes." 

"Now,  do,  George,  stop  your  lingo — that's  a  good 
fellow,"  said  the  officer,  coaxingly,  seeing  that  the  usual 


GEORGE  MUNDAY.  i4l 

means  of  reaching  the  offender  were  cut  off;  "  and  come 
down  without  bother." 

«  Look  up !"  shouted  the  indignant  advocate  of  truth, 
"  look  up,  you  stiff-necked,  corrupt  son  of  Belial !. — 
you  dog  in  office ! — you,  that  belch  forth  the  corrupt 
effluvium  of  liquid  death,  commonly  styled  rum! — you 
are  the  chief  of  a  band  of  authorised  knaves,  composed 
of  evil  expounders  of  the  law,  otherwise  called  pettifog* 
gers,  and  certain  other  rogues  in  office,  who  are  styled 
"  the  police." — You  lead  captive  the  senses  of  the 
mayor,  who  is  as  much  bridled  by  your  wickedness  as 
the  beast  of  the  same  name ! — you  cause  him  by  your 
false  tongues  to  do  evil,  but,  there  is  a  day  coming — 
there  is !  when,  at  a  bar  where  your  credit  has  long 
since  been  chalked  out,  I'll  make  an  affidavy  will  knock 
you  so  far  into  the  regions  of  darkness,  that  the  final 
trump  will  sound  like  a  penny  whistle  to  your  ear ! — do 
you  hear  that!" 

The  policeman  did  hear  that,  but  his  amiability  could 
stand  it  no  longer  ;  so,  procuring  a  watchman's  ladder, 
he  commenced  climbing  to  the  prophet,  who  coolly 
unscrewed  his  gimblets,  hoisted  the  window,  lifted  up 
his  robes,  and,  shouting  «  woe  to  the  wicked,"  beat  a 
successful  retreat. 


COURTING  IN   FRENCH   HOLLOW. 

"  COURTIN'  is  all  slick  enough  when  every  body's 
agreed,  and  the  gal  aint  got  no  mischief  in  her,  but 
when  an  extensive  family,  old  maids,  cross  daddy,  and 
a  romantic  old  mommy,  all  want  to  put  thur  fingers 
into  the  young  uns  dish  of  sweet  doin's,  and  the  gal's 
fractious  besides,  why  a  fellar  that's  yearnin'  arter  mat- 
rimony is  mity  likely  to  git  his  fires  dampened,  or  bust 
his  biler." 

Thus  reasoned  Tom  Bent  to  a  select  party  of  river 
cronies,  who  were  seated  around  him  upon  the  boiler 
deck  of  a  Mississippi  steamer,  as  she  sped  along  one 
bright  night  in  June,  somewhere  in  the  neighborhood 
of  Bayou  Teche.  The  subject  was  courting,  and  on 
that  particular  question  Tom  was  considered  an  oracle, 
for,  besides  having  a  strong  penchant  for  the  fair  sex,  he 
had  run  many  risks  to  ingratiate  himself  in  their  affec- 
tions. Tom  was  now  fast  falling  into  the  sear  and  yel- 
low leaf  of  bachelorism,  and  although  he  had  vowed 
unalterable  affection  to  at  least  one  fair  one  in  each 
town  between  the  mouth  and  the  rapids,  he  still  re- 
mained in  unblessed  singleness. 

"  How  about  that  afarr  of  your'n  with  old  Fecho's 
gal,  in  St.  Louis,  Tom?"  inquired  one  of  the  circle. 

"  What,  that  little  French  gal  ?"  inquired  Tom,  with 
a  grin  ;  "  well,  that  thar  was  a  salty  scrape,  boys,  and 
though  the  laugh  is  agin  me  thar,  I'm  blessed  if  I  don't 
gin  you  the  sarcumstince."  So  Tom  squared  himself 
for  a  yarn,  wet  his  lips  with  a  little  corn  juice,  took  a 
small  strip  of  Missouri  weed,  and  "let  out." 

142 


COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW.        143 

«  That  gal  of  old  Fecho's  wur  about  the  pootyest 
creatur,  fur  a  foreigner,  I  ever  took  a  shute  arter  ;  her 
eyes  jest  floated  about  in  her  head  like  a  star's  shadow 
on  a  Mississippi  wave,  and  her  model  was  as  trim  as 
the  steamer  Eagle,  'sides,  her  paddles  wur  the  cleanest 
shaped  fixins  that  ever  propelled  anythin'  human,  and 
her  laugh  rung  like  a  challenge  bell  on  a  *  fast  trip'— it 
couldn't  be  beat*  She  run  into  my  affecshuns,  and  I 
couldn't  help  it.  I  danced  with  her  at  some  on  the 
balls  in  Frenchtown,  and  thar  I  gin  to  edge  up  and  talk 
tender  at  her,  but  she  ony  laughed  at  my  sweet'nin'. 
Arter  a  spell,  when  I  cum  it  strong  about  afFecshun, 
and  the  needcessity  of  towin'  side  and  side  together, 
she  told  me  that  her  old  daddy  wouldn't  let  her  marry 
an  American !  Ef  I  warn't  snagged  at  this,  I  wouldn't 
say  so.  The  old  fellar  wur  a  sittin'  on  a  bench  smokin' 
and  lookin'  on  at  the  dance,  and  I  jest  wished  him  a 
hot  berth  for  a  short  spell.  <  Well,  Marie,'  said  I,  « ef 
I  melt  the  old  man  down  will  you  gin  in  ?' 

"  <  Oh,'  says  she,  <  you  so  vair  strong  at  de  vat  you 
call  coax,  I  shall  not  know  how  to  say  von  leetel  no.' 

"  So  havin'  fixed  it  all  with  her  smooth  as  a  full 
freight  and  a  June  rise,  I  drew  up  alongside  of  the  old 
fellar,  jest  as  he  had  cleared  his  chimley  for  a  fresh  draw 
of  his  pipe.  Old  Fecho  had  been  a  mountain  trader, 
was  strong  timbered,  not  much  the  worse  fur  wear,  and 
looked  wicked  as  a  tree'd  bear.  I  fired  up  and  gene- 
rated an  inch  or  two  more  steam,  and  then  blew  off  at 
him.  <  That's  an  onconscionable  slick  gal  of  your'n, 
Mounseer,'  says  I,  to  begin  with,  and  it  did  tickle  his 
fancy  to  have  her  cracked  up,  'cause  he  thought  her 
creation's  finishin'  touch, — so  did  I)  <  Oui,  sair,'  says 


144        COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW. 

old  Fecho,  <  she  vair  fine  leetel  gal,  von  angel  wizotit 
de  ving,  she  is,  sair,  mine  only  von  filleS 

"  '  Well,  she  is  a  scrougerf  answered  I,  <  a  parfect 
high  pressure,  and  no  dispute !' 

"  <  Vat  you  mean  by  him,  eh  ?  vat  you  call 
s-c-r-r-r-ouge,  eh?  vat  is  he,  sair,  my  leetel  gal  no  vat 
you  call  von  s-c-r-r-r-ouge,  sair  !'  and  here  old  Fecho 
went  off  into  a  mad  fit,  jes?  as  ef  I'd  called  her  bad 
names.  I  tried  to  put  down  his  <  safety  valve,'  but  he 
would  blow  off  his  wrath,  and  workin'  himself  into  a 
parfect  freshet  of  rage,  he  swore  he  would  take  the  little 
gal  off  home  ;  and  I'm  blessed  ef  he  didn't.  As  soon 
as  I  eyed  the  old  fellar  startin'  I  got  in  his  wake  and 
follered  him,  detarmined  to  find  out  whar  he  located, 
and  arter  an  eternal  long  windin'  through  one  street  arter 
another,  down  he  dived  into  French  Hollow.  Jest  as 
he  wur  about  to  enter  a  house  built  agin  the  side  of  the 
hill,  the  old  fellar  heered  my  footsteps,  and  turnin' 
round  in  the  darkness,  he  shouted — 

"<Ah,  ha!  von  sneak  Yankee  doodel,  vat  call  my 
leetel  gall  von  s-c-r-r-r-ouger,  I  shall  cut  you  all  up  into 
von  leetel  piece  vidout  von  whole.' 

"  You  know,  boys,  I  aint  easy  skeer'd,  but  I  own  up 
that  old  fellar  did  kind  a  make  me  skeery ;  they  told 
sich  stories  about  the  way  he  used  to  skin  Ingins,  that 
I  gin  to  think  it  was  about  best  to  let  him  have  both 
sides  of  the  channel  ef  he  wanted  it,  so  I  didn't  darr  go 
to  see  Marie  fur  a  long  spell.  One  day  I  felt  a  strong 
hankerin',  and  jest  strolled  along  the  holler  to  git  a 
glimpse'  on  her,  and  sure  enough  thar  she  wur,  a  leanin' 
out  the  winder,  smilin'  like  the  mornin'  sun  on  a  sleep- 
in'  bayou.  I  sidled  up  to  the  house,  and  asked  her  ef  I 
darr  cum  and  sit  up  with  her  that  evenin'.  I  told  her 


COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW.         145 

I  was  jest  fritterin'  away  all  to  nothin'  thinkin'  on  her, 
and  a  small  mite  of  courtin'  would  spur  me  up  amazing 
and  then  I  gin  her  sich  a  look,  that  she  fluttered  into 
consent  as  easy  as  a  mockin'  bird  whistles. 

"  c  Oh,  ouij  you  shall  come  sometime  dis  night,  when 
mon  pere  is  gone  to  de  cabaret ;  but  you  must  be  vair 
quiet  as  von  leetel  rat,  vat  dey  call  de  mouse,  and  go 
vay  before  he  come  back  to  de  maison.' 

"In  course  I  promised  to  do  jest  as  she  said.  I  kissed 
my  hand  to  her,  and  said  aur  ravoir,  as  the  French 
.say  for  good  by,  and  then  paddled  off* to  wait  for  night. 
I  felt  wuss  than  oneasy  until  the  time  arriv,  and  when  it 
did  git  round  I  gin  to  crawl  all  over — I  swar  I  was  a 
leetle  skeered.  Hows'ever,  it  warn't  manly  to  back  out 
now  when  the  gal  was  expectin'  me,  so  I  started  for 
the  Hollow.  I  think  a  darker  night  was  never  mixed 
up  and  spread  over  this  yearth — you  remember,  Bill, 
the  night  you  steered  the  old  Eagle  square  into  the  bank 
at  Milliken's  bend  ?  well,  it  \\rur  jest  a  mite  darker  than 
that!  A  muddy  run  winds  along  through  the  ravine 
whar  the  house  stands,  and  I  wur  particularly  near  flop- 
pin'  into  it  several  times.  A  piece  of  candle  in  the 
winder  lighted  me  to  whar  the  little  gall  was  a  waitin', 
and  when  I  tapped  at  the  door  below,  she  pattered  down 
and  piloted  me  up  to  the  sittin'  room,  whar  we  sot  dow^ 
and  took  a  good  look  at  each  other.  She  looked  pooty 
enough  to  tempt  a  fellar  to  bite  a  piece  out  on  her.  I 
had  all  sorts  of  good  things  made  up  to  say  when  a 
chance  offered,  and  here  the  chance  wur,  but  cuss  me^ 
ef  I  could  get  out  the  fust  mutter.  Whether  it  wur 
skeer  at  the  idee  of  the  old  Frenchman,  or  a  bilin'  up 
of  affecshun  fur  his  darter  that  stuck  my  throat  so  tight, 
I'm  unable  to  swar,  but  thar  I  wur,  like  a  boat  fast  on 
19  N 


146  CbURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW. 

a  sand-bar,  blowin'  some,  but  makin'  mity  little  head- 
way. 

"  '  Vat  is  de  mattair  wiz  you,  Mounseer  ?'  said  Marie, 
<  you  look  vair  much  like  de  leaf  in  von  grand  storm, 
all  ovair  wiz  de  shake  !' 

"  <  Well,3  says  I,  <  I  do  feel  as  ef  I  wur  about  to  col- 
lapse a  flue,  or  bust  my  biler,  for  the  fact  of  the  marter 
is,  Marie,  they  say  your  old  daddy's  a  tiger,  and  ef  I 
git  caught  here  thar'll  be  suthin'  broke — a  buryin'  in- 
stead of  a  weddin' ; — not  that  I'm  the  least  mite  skeered 
fjar  myself,  but  the  old  man  might  git  hurt,  and  I  should 
be  fretted  to  do  any  sech  a  thing.' 

"  C0h,  mon  amie,  .nevair  be  fear  fur  him,  he  is  von 
great,  strong  as  vat  you  call  de  gentleman  cow  ? — von 
bull, — but,  mon  Dieu!  wiiat  shall  I  do  wiz  you,  sup- 
pose he  come,  eh?  He  vill  cut  you  into  bits  all  ovair!' 

"  <  But,  my  angel,'  ses  I,  <  he  shant  ketch  me,  fur  I'll 
streak  it  like  a  fast  boat,  the  moment  I  hear  steam  from 
his  scape-pipe — the  old  man  might  as  well  try  to  catch 
a  Massissippi  catty  with  a  thread  line,  as  git  his  fingers 
on  me.'  I  had  no  sooner  said  so,  than  bang!  went  the 
door  below,  and  old  Fecho,  juicy  as  a  melon,  came 
feelin'  his  way  up  stairs,  mutterin'  like  a  small  piece  of 
fat  thunder,  and  swarin'  in  French,  orfully.  I  know'd 
thar  warn't  much  time  to  spare,  so  I  histed  the  winder 
and  backed  out.  Jest  as  I  was  about  to  drop,  Marie 
says  to  me — <  Oh,  mon  Dieu  !  don't  drop  into  de  veil  /' 
and  instanter  shut  the  winder.  My  har  riz  on  eend  in 
a  moment — <  donH  drop  into  the  wdlT  I'll  tell  you 
what,  boys,  a  souse  into  the  Massissippi  in  ice  time 
warn't  half  as  cold  as  her  last  warnin'  made  me.  It  was 
so  etarnal  dark  that  I  couldn't  begin  to  tell  which  side 
of  the  buildin'  I  wair  on,  and  that  wur  an  all  important 


COURTING  IN  FRENCH  HOLLOW.         147 

perticuler,  fur  it  wur  je*t  three  stories  high  on  one  side, 
towards  the  Hollow,  and  it  warn't  only  one  on  the  side 
next  the  hill — in  course,  all  the  chances  wur  in  favor  of 
the  well  bein'  on  the  low  side.  I'd  gin  all  I  had  then 
to  know  which  side  was  waitin'  below  fur  me.  I  looked 
up,  as  I  hung  on,  to  see  ef  thar  warn't  a  star  shiniri' 
somewhare,  jest  to  give  a  hint  of  what  was  below,  but 
they'd  all  put  on  thar  night  caps,  and  wouldn't  be 
coaxed  from  under  the  kiver ;  then  I'd  look  below,  and 
listen,  until  I  made  sartin  in  my  mind  that  I  could  hear 
the  droppin'  of  water,  somewhare  about  fifty  feet  below 
me !  Old  Fecho  was  a  tearin5  through  the  room,  and 
a  rippin'  out  French  oaths,  in  an  oncommon  rapid  man- 
ner, and  declarin'  that  he  knew  some  one  had  bin  thar, 
fur  he'd  bin  told  so.  Two  or  three  times  he  appeared 
to  be  a  rushin'  for  the  winder,  and  the  little  gal  would 
coax  him  back  agin,  and  then  he'd  cuss  de  Yankee 
doodels,  and  grit  his  teeth  most  owdaciously.  Well, 
ef  I  warn't  in  an  oneasy  situation  all  this  time,  then  I'm 
more  than  human — my  arms  jest  stretched  out  to  about 
a  yard  and  a  half  in  length,  and  gin  to  cramp  and  git 
orful  weak.  I  couldn't  fur  the  life  of  me  think  on  any 
prayer  I'd  ever  heerd — at  last,  jest  as  one  hand  was 
givin'  way  its  hold,  I  thort  of  a  short  one  I  used  to  say 
when  I  was  a  younker,  and  mutterin' — <  Here  I  drop 
me  down  deep,  I  pray  the  Lord  my  bones  to  keep!'  I 
sot  my  teeth  together,  drew  a  long  breath,  shut  my  eyes, 
and  let  go! — whiz !—r-r-r-ip  ! — bang!  I  went — as  I 
supposed — about  fifty  feet;  and  didn't  I  holler,  when  I 
lit  and  rolled  over,  and  the  water  soused  all  round  me ! 
< Murder!  oh,  git  me  out,  oh-o-o-o,  murder!  The 
people  came  a  rushin'  out  of  their  houses,  with  lights, 
and  sich  another  jargon  of  questions  as  they  showered 


148  THE  SECOND  ADVENT. 

at  me — askin',  all  together,  who'd  bin  a  stabbin'  me? 
what  wur  the  marter  ?  and  who'd  hit  me  ?  I  opened 
my  eyes  to  tell  'em  I'd  fell  from  the  third  story,  and 
broke  every  bone  in  my  body,  when,  on  lookin'  up, 
thar  wur  the  old  Frenchman  and  his  darter,  grinnin'  out 
of  the  top  winder,  about  ten  feet  above  me !  The  fact 
wur,  boys,  I'd  dropped  out  on  the  hill  side  of  the  house, 
and  jumped  down  jest  four  feet  from  whar  my  toes 
reached, — I  had  lit  on  the  edge  of  a  water  pail,  and  it 
flowed  about  me  when  I  fell  over !  Arter  old  Fecho 
told  them  the  joke,  they  pretty  nigh  busted  a  larfin'  at 
me.  I  crawled  off,  arter  firin'  a  volly  at  old  Mounseer, 
of  the  hardest  kind  of  cusses,  and  from  that  day  to  this 
I  han't  gone  a  courtin'  in  French  Hollow ! 


THE  SECOND  ADVENT! 

TOM  BANGALL,  THE  ENGINEER,  AND  MILLERISM. 

ABOUT  the  period  fixed  upon  by  Father  Miller,  for  the 
general  blowing  up  of  the  world,  some  of  the  engineers 
upon  our  western  waters,  who  had  been  used  to  blowing 
up  its  inhabitants,  became  a  little  frightened  at  the 
prospect  of  having  to  encounter,  in  another  world,  the 
victims  of  steamboat  disaster.  Among  these  was  Tom 
BangalT,  the  engineer  of  the  Arkansas  Thunder.  Tom 
was  a  rearing,  tearing,  bar  state  scrouger — could  chaw 
up  any  single  specimen  of  the  human  race — any  quantity 
of  tobacco,  and  drink  steam  without  flinching! — A  col- 
lapsed flue  had  blown  him  once  somewhere  in  the  alti- 
tude*of  an  Alpine  height,  but  dropped  him  unharmed 


THE  SECOND  ADVENT.     '  149 

into  the  Arkansas,  and  he  used  to  swear  that  after  the 
steam  tried  to  jerk  him  apart  and  found  it  couldn't  do 
it,  why,  it  just  dropped  the  subject,  as  the  stump  speakers 
say,  by  dropping  him  into  the  "  drink" — he  therefore  in- 
continently set  water,  hot  or  cold,  at  defiance.  Tom 
was,  withal,  a  generous,  open-hearted,  whole-souled  fel- 
low, and  his  cheering  words  to  the  emigrants  on  the  boiler 
deck,  and  many  a  kind  act  to  a  suffering  passenger, 
proved  that  beneath  his  rough  exterior  he  had  a  heart 
open  to  gentle  influences.  As  a  further  proof  of  this, 
Tom  had  a  wife,  a  good  wife,  too,  and  what's  more  he 
tenderly  loved  her ;  but  she  in  vain  tried  to  cure  him 
of  drinking  and  swearing.  Tom  swore  that  he  would 
swear,  that  a  steamboat  wouldn't  work  without  some 
swearing,  and  if  a  fellar  didn't  drink  he'd  bust,  and, 
therefore,  it  was  necessary  to  take  a  lust  now  and  then 
to  keep  out  of  danger.  "  There  is  no  use,"  he  would 
say,  "  in  blowing  off  steam  from  your  'scape-pipe  agin 
it,  for  it  has  to  be  did!" 

One  day  on  Tom's  return  home,  he  found  Mrs.  Mary 
Bangall  weeping  bitterly,  and  Tom  became,  instantly, 
correspondingly  distressed. 

"Why,  Polly,"  inquired  he,  "  what's  the  matter, 
gal  ? — what's  hurt  you  ? — is  anythin'  broke  loose  that 
can't  be  mended? — what  the  thunder  makes  you  take 
on  so  ? — Come,  out  with  the  cause,  or  I  shall  git  a 
blubberin'  too." 

"  Only  look  here,  Tom,"  said  Mary,  "  here's  a  whole 
account  of  how  the  world  is  going  to  be  destroyed  this 
April. — Every  thing  has  been  counted  up  by  Father 
Miller,  and  the  sum  total's  a  general  burn  !  Now,  Tom, 
don't  swear,  nor  drink  any  more  or  you  won't  be^able 
to  stand  the  fire  no  more  than  gunpowder!" 

N2 


150  i      THE  SECOND  ADVENT. 

Tom  indulged  in  a  regular  guffaw  at  her  distress, 
and  told  her  she  was  a  fool  to  be  frightened  at  that — 
it  was  all  moonshine — humbug — smoke, — that  Father 
Miller  was  an  old  granny,  and  it  warn't  possible — any- 
how he  warn't  afraid  of  fire,  so  it  might  fire  away  /" 

"But,  Tom,"  continued  Mary,  "let  me  read  to  you 
the  proof — it's  irresistible,  Tom, — the  times  and  the 
half  times,  are  so  correctly  added  up  that  there  can  be 
no  mistake,  and  if  you  don't  make  some  preparation  we 
will  be  separated  for  ever." 

The  idea  of  a  separation  from  Mary  troubled  Tom, 
but  full  of  incredulity  he  sat  down  to  listen,  more  to 
please  her,  and  find  something  in  the  adding  up  of  the 
catastrophe  that  would  upset  it.  Mary  commenced 
reading,  and  Tom  quietly  listening,  but  as  she  read  the 
awful  evidences  of  a  general  conflagration,  the  signs  of 
the  times,  the  adding  up  of  the  times,  the  proof  of  their 
meaning,  and  the  dreadful  consequences  of  being  un- 
prepared— with  ascension  robes,  Tom  grew  serious,  and 
at  length  looked  a  little  frightened.  He  didn't  want 
Mary  to  see  its  effect  upon  him,  and  so  assumed  an  over 
quantity  of  indifference,  but  it  was  useless  for  him  to 
attempt  hiding  his  feelings  from  her  prying  eyes — she 
saw  Miller's  doctrine  was  grinding  a  hopper  of  fear  in 
Tom's  heart,  and  felt  glad  to  see  its  effect.  When  she 
ceased  he  remarked,  with  a  half- frightened  laugh,  that 
Father  Miller  ought  to  be  burnt  for  thus  trying  to  frighten 
people,  and,  "  as  for  them  eastern  fellars,  they  are  half 
their  life  crazy  any  how!" 

Having  tried  thus  to  whisper  unconcern  to  his  troubled 
spirit,  Tom  set  out  for  the  boat,  with  the  firm  resolve, 
if  he^caught  a  Millerite  to  save  him  from  the  threatened 
burning  by  drowning  him,  for  disseminating  any  such 


THE  SECOND  ADVENT.  151 

fiery  doctrines.  When  he  got  on  board  he  told  the 
captain  what  had  transpired  at  home, — how  his  wife 
had  got  hold  of  a  Miller  document  from  a  travelling  dis- 
ciple, and,  as  well  as  he  could,  rehearsed  the  awful 
contents  which  she  had  read  to  him.  The  captain,  ob- 
serving the  effect  they  had  produced  on  Tom,  seriously 
answered  that  the  matter  looked  squally,  and  he  was 
afraid  them  documents  were  all  too  true. 

"  True !"  shouted  Tom,  "  why,  you  aint  green  enough 
to  swallow7  any  such  yarn — its  parfectly  rediculous  to 
talk  about  burnin'  every  thing  up.  I'd  like  to  see  old 
Miller  set  fire  to  the  Massissippi!" 

"Its  no  funny  matter,  Tom,"  replied  the  captain, 
"  and  if  you  keep  going  on  this  way  you  will  find  it  so." 

"Here,  give  us  somethin'  to  drink!"  shouted  Tom 
to  the  bar-keeper,  (he  began  to  get  terrified  at  the 
serious  manner  with  which  the  captain  treated  Millerism) 
"come,  Bill,"  said  he,  addressing  the  clerk,  "let's 
take  a  drink." 

The  clerk,  who  was  a  wag,  saw  through  the  captain's 
.joke  in  a  minute  and  when  he  winked  at  him,  refused 
to  taste,  adding  as  an  apology  that  "  on  the  eve  of  so 
awful  an  event  as  the  destruction  of  the  world,  he  couldn't 
daringly  indulge  as  he  formerly  did,  so  he  must  excuse* 
him." 

"Well,  go  to  h— 11,  then,"  says  Tom,  half  mad. 

The  captain  sighed,  and  the  clerk  put  his  hand  upon 
his  heart,  and  turned  his  eyes  upward,  as  if  engaged  in 
inward  prayer  for  his  wicked  friend.  Tom  swallowed 
his  glass,  and  bestowing  a  fierce  look  upon  the  pair 
remarked,  that  "  they  couldn't  Cume  any  of  them  thar 
shines  over  him,  he  wasn't  any  of  that  chicken  breed  /" 

"  Poor  fellow,"  muttered  the  captain. 


152  THE  SECOND  ADVENT. 

«  Alas!  Thomas,"  chimed  in  the  clerk. 

Tom  slammed  the  cabin  door  after  him  as  he  went 
out  to  descend  below,  swearing  at  the  same  time  that 
all  the  rest  of  the  world  were  turning  damned  fools  as 
well  as  old  Miller. 

.  Steam  was  raised  and  the  Thunder  started.  For  a 
time  Tom  forgot  the  predicted  advent,  but  every  time 
he  came  up  to  the  bar  to  get  a  drink,  the  serious  look 
of  the  captain  and  the  solemn  phiz  of  the  clerk,  threw  a 
cold  chill  over  him,  and  made  him  savage  with  excite- 
ment. Every  passenger  appeared  to  be  talking  about 
Millerism,  besides,  a  waggish  friend  of  the  captain's,  a 
passenger  on  board,  having  been  informed  of  the  engi- 
neer's state  of  mind,  passed  himself  off  as  a  preacher  of 
the  doctrine,  and  talked  learnedly  on  the  prophecies 
whenever  the  engineer  was  nigh.  It  was  comic  to  see 
the  fierce  expression  of  their  victim's  countenance,  and 
how,  in  spite  of  himself,  he  would  creep  up  to  the  cir- 
cles where  they  were  discussing  the  Second  Advent, 
and  listen  with  all  ears  to  the  rehearsal  of  its  terrible 
certainty,  then  making  for  the  bar,  take  another  drink, 
and  thrusting  his  hands  deep  into  his  pockets  start  down 
to  the  engine,  with  a  scowl  upon  his  swart  countenance 
that  would  almost  start  a  flue  head  from  its  fastenings. 

"  I'd  quit  this  boat,"  said  Tom  to  his  assistant,  "  if 
it  warn't  so  near  'the  25th  of  April,' — cuss  me  if  I'd 
stay  aboard  another  minit,  fur  captain  and  all  hands  are 
a  set  of  cowardly  pukes  /" 

"  Why,  what's  the  25th  of  April  got  to  do  with  your 
leavin',  Tom?"  inquired  his  partner. 

"Nothin'  particular,  but  if  this  confounded  blow  up 
or  burn  up  should  come  off  on  that  day,  I  wan't  to  be 
on  the  river — its  safer;  but  if  I  should  leave  now  I 


THE  SECOND  ADVENT.  153 

couldn't  get  on  another  boat  by  that  time,  and  then  I'd 
be  in  a  hot  fix." 

Here  was  a  tacit  confession  by  Tom,  that  he  thought 
there  was  danger,  and  that  there  might  be  some  truth 
in  old  Miller's  prediction.  The  fact  of  his  fears  was 
forthwith  communicated  to  the  captain  and  clerk  by 
Tom's  partner,  and  his  sufferings  became  increased — 
he  could  hear  no  sounds  but — advent — Miller — blow-up 
— dreadful  destruction  ! — until  his  suspense  became  so 
horrible,  that  he  wished  for  any  termination  so  it  would 
put  an  end  to  his  dread.  His  partner  ventured  to  in- 
crease his  uneasiness  by  talking  to  him  on  the  subject, 
but  Tom  threatened,  to  brain  him  if  he  said  anything 
about  it  in  his  presence — he  remarked  that  "  the  noise 
of  the  engine  was  his  only  peace,  and  no  frightened, 
lubberly  sucker  should  disturb  it  by  talking  Millerism — 
if  Miller  was  a  goin'  to  burn  the  world,  why,  let  him 

b*urn  and  be (here,  Tom  for  the  first  time  checked 

an  oath,  and  finished  the  sentence  with)  never  mind, 
just  let  him  burn,  that's  all." 

Starting  up  to  the  bar,  without  looking  to  right  or 
left,  he  presented  a  bottle,  had  it  filled  with  liquor  and 
retreated,  resolved  to  go  as  little  as  possible  near  either 
captain  or  clerk,  for  their  solemn  looking  faces  were 
contagious — they  looked  disaster. 

At  length  the  25th  of  April  dawned,  and  with  its  ad- 
vancing hours  Tom  got  tight,  that  is  to  say,  so  near 
intoxicated  that  he  could  only  move  around  with  ex- 
treme difficulty — he  knew  what  he  was  about,  but  very 
little  more.  Sundry  mutterings  which  he  gave  voice 
to,  now  and  then,  proclaimed  the  spirit  at  work  within, 
and  it  would  say  : — 

"  Burn,  ha ! — burn  up,  will  it  ? — goin'  to  take  a  regu- 
20 


154  THE  SECOND  ADVENT. 

lar  bust  and  blow  itself  out!  Great  world,  this! — 
g-r-e-a-t  world,  and  a  nice  little  fire  it  will  be !"  Then, 
thinking  of  Mary,  he  would  continue — "  Poor  Mary — 
what  a  shock  it  will  be  to  her,  but  she's  on  the  safe  side, 
for  she  belongs  to  meetin' ;" — and  then  he  would  get 
wrathy — •  "  Let  the  old  world  burn,  and  go  to  splintered 
lightnin' — who  cares  ? — The  captain  and  clerk's  got  on 
the  safe  side,  too, — they're  afraid  of  the  fire,  eh?" 
Then  he  would  cautiously  emerge  from  his  place  by  the 
engine,  and  peep  out  upon  the  sky,  to  see  if  the  work 
of  destruction  was  about  to  commence,  and  then  return- 
ing, take  another  pull  at  the  whiskey,  until,  by  his  fre- 
quent libations,  he  not  only  got  blu£,  but  every  thing  he 
looked  at  was  multiplying — he  was  surrounded  by  a 
duplicate  set  of  machinery — even  his  fist,  that  he  shook 
at  the  intruding  cylinder  and  piston  rod,  became  doubled 
before  his  eyes,  and  all  assumed  the  color  of  a  brimstone 
blue!  Tom  became  convinced,  in  his  own  mind,  thai 
the  first  stage  of  the  general  convulsion  had  commenced! 

"  Hello  ! — back  her !"  shouted  the  captain,  "  give  her 
a  lick  back  ! — starboard  wheel,  there  !" 

"It's  all  up,  now,"  muttered  Tom,  "let's  see  you 
lick  her  back  out  of  this  scrape,"  and  staggering  towards 
the  steam  valves,  to  try  the  amount  of  water  in  the 
boilers,  he  fell  sprawling ;  at  that  moment  the  boat  struck 
the  bank  with  a  bang  that  shook  every  timber  in  her ; 
the  concussion,  also,  injured  a  conducting  steam-pipe 
just  enough  to  scald  Tom's  face  and  hands  severely, 
without  endangering  his  life.  As  the  stream  of  hot  va- 
pour hit  him,  he  rolled  over,  exclaiming : — 

"  Good  God  ! — it's  all  up,  now!"  and  soon  became 
utterly  insensible 

Tom  was  picked  up  and  carried  into  the  Social  Hall, 


THE  SECOND  ADVENT.  155 

where  restoratives  were  administered  to  recall  him  to 
consciousness,  and  remedies  applied  to  heal  his  burns. 
All  gathered  in  silence  and  anxiety  around  his  pallet, 
watching  for  returning  sensibility,  the  captain  and  clerk 
among  the  number,  really  grieved  at  the  mishap,  which 
they  had  no  doubt  was  caused  by  their  jest.  While  all 
breathlessly  looked  on,  Tom  gave  manifestations  of  re- 
turning consciousness :  of  course,  with  sensibility  re- 
turned feeling,  and  his  burns  appealed,  most  touchingly, 
to  that  sense.  Twisting  himself  up,  and  drawing  his 
breath  through  his  teeth,  he  slowly  remarked : — 

"Jest  as  I  thought  —  the  d — 1's  got  me,  s-l-i-c-k 
enough,  and  Pm  burnt  already  to  a  cinder!" 

There  was  no  resisting  this — all  hands  burst  into  a 
roar  of  laughter.  Tom  couldn't  open  his  eyes,  but  he 
could  hear,  and  after  they  had  done  laughing,  he  quietly 
remarked  : — 

"  These  imps  are  mightily  glad  because  they've  got  me  /" 

Here  followed  another  roar,  and  when  it  subsided,  the 
captain  approached  him,  and  called  his  name — 

"  Tom,  old  fellow,"  said  he,  you're  safe!" 

"  What,  you  here,  too,  captain  ?  I  thought  you  had 
jined  meetin'  and  saved  your  bacon. — So  they've  got 
you,  too, — well,  a  fellar  aint  alone  then." 

Here  the  clerk  spoke  to  him. 

"  What,  you,  too,  Bill  ? — well,  <  there's  a  party  of  us,' 
any  how,  but  it's  so  confounded  dark  I  can't  see  you, 

and  its  hotter  than (here  he  checked  himself  with  a 

shudder,  and  added,)  Yes,  I'm  certain  we're  thar  /" 
sighing  heavily,  he  murmured — "Poor  Mary — Oh,  my 
Mary." 

By  the  efforts  of  the  captain  and  clerk  Tom  was  made 
to  understand  the  true  state  of  the  case,  and  through 


156  SETTLEMENT   FUN. 

their  kindness  and  attention,  was  soon  able  to  return  to 
duty,  and  though  he  would  after  laugh  at  a  jest  about 
old  Father  Miller,  yet  he  was  never  again  known  to 
drink  whiskey.  When  irritated  now,  Tom  always  shuts 
his  lips  tight,  and  chokes  down  the  rising  oath.  Mary 
is  gratified  with  the  change,  although  she  wept  at  the 
severity  of  the  means  by  which  he  was  converted. 


SETTLEMENT  FUN. 
BILL   SAPPER'S   LETTER   TO    HIS    COUSIN. 

LIBERTI,  Missury,  May  6t.  18  forty  5. 

COUSIN  JIM,  tha  aint  nuthin'  occurred  wuth  ritin' 
about  in  our  settlement  fur  a  long  spell,  but  about  the 
beginnin'  of  last  week,  thur  war  a  rumor  sot  afloat  in 
town,  which  kept  the  wimen  for  two  or  three  days  in 
a  continooal  snigger,  and  it  war  half  a  day  afore  the 
men  could  find  out  the  rights  of  the  marter — sech  an- 
uther  fease  as  all  the  gals  got  inter,  war  delightful  to 
contemplate.  The  boys  kept  a  askin'  one  anuther, 
what  in  the  yearth  wur  the  marter,  that  the  gals  kept  a 
whisperin'  and  laffin'  round  town  so — at  last  it  cum 
out !  and  what  do  you  think,  Jim,  wur  the  marter  ? — 
You  couldn't  guess  in  a  week.  It  aint  no  common 
occurrence,  and  yet  it's  mighty  natral.  Little  Jo  Allen, 
the  shoemaker,  had  an  addition  to  his  family,  amountin' 
to  jest  three  babbys — one  boy  and  two  gals  !  His  wife  is 
a  leetle  creatur',  but  I  reckon  she's  "  some"  in  countin' 
the  census,  and  sech  anuther  excitement  as  her  little 
brood  of  pretty  babbys  has  kicked  up  among  the  wimen, 


SETTLEMENT  FUN.  157 

is  perfectly  inticin'  to  bachelors.  When  the  interestin' 
marter  war  furst  noised  about,  the  wimen  wouldn't  be- 
lieve it,  but  to  know  the  rights  of  it  tha  put  on  thur 
bonnets  and  poured  down  to  see  little  Mrs.  Allen,  in  a 
parfect  stream  of  curiosity ;  and,  sure  enough,  thar  tha 
wur,  three  raal  peert  lookin'  children,  all  jest  alike.  Bein' 
an  acquaintance  of  Jo's  he  tuck  me  in  to  see  his  family, 
and  it  wur  raaly  an  interestin'  sight  to  see  the  little 
creaturs.  Thar  tha  wur,  with  thur  tiny  faces  aside 
each  other,  hevin  on  the  prettiest  caps, — all  made  and 
fixed  by  the  young  wimen,  as  a  present  to  the  mother, — 
and  then  thur  infantile  lips  jest  openin',  like  so  many 
rose  buds  poutin',  while  thur  bits  of  hands,  transparent 
as  sparmacity,  wur  a  curtin'  about  and  pushin',  all 
doubled  up,  agin  thur  little  noses,  and  thur  mother  all 
the  time  lookin'  at  'em  so  peert  and  pleased,  jest  as 
ef  she  war  feelin'  in  her  own  mind  tha  war  hard  to  beat 
— addid  to  which,  thar  stood  thur  daddy,  contemplating 
with  a  glow  of  parentil  feelin',  the  whole  unanfmous  pic- 
tur !  It  aint  in  me,  Jim,  to  fully  describe  the  univarsel 
merits  of  sech  a  scene,  and  I  guess  it  couldn't  receive 
raal  jestis  from  any  man's  pen,  'cept  he'd  ben  the 
father  of  twins  at  least. 

"  Gracious  me,"  sed  Mrs.  Sutton,  a  very  literary 
womin,  who  allays  talks  history  on  extra  occasions, 
«  ef  that  little  Mrs.  Allen  aint  ekill  to  the  mother  of 
the  Grashi!" 

She  looked  at  little  Jo,  the  daddy,  fur  a  spell,   and 

'  tuk  to  admirin'  him  so  that  she  could  scacely  keep  her 

hands  off  on  him — she  hadn't  no  babbys,  poor  womin  ! 

"Ah,  Mister  Allen,"  ses  she,  "you  are  suthin'  like 
a  husbind — you're  detarmin'd  to  descend  a  name  down 
to 'your  ancesters  /" 

0 


158  SETTLEMENT  FUN. 

• 

I  raaly  believe  she'd  a  kissed  him  ef  thur  hadn't  ben 
so  many  wimen  thar.  The  father  of  the  babbys  wur 
mitely  tickled  at  furst,  'cause  all  the  wimen  wur  a 
praisin'  him,  but  arter  a  spell  he  gin  to  look  skary,  for 
go  whar  he  would  he  found  some  wimen  tryin'  to  git 
a  look  at  him — tha  jest  besieged  his  shop  winder,  all 
the  time,  and  kept  peepin'  in,  and  lookin'  at  him,  and 
askin'  his  age,  and  whar  he  cum  from  ?  At  last  sum 
of  the  gals  got  so  curious  tha  asked  him  whar  he  did 
cum  from,  any  how,  and  as  soon  as  he  sed  Indiana, 
Dick  Mason  becum  one  of  the  popularest  young  men 
in  the  settlement,  among  the  wimen,  jest  'cause  he  wax 
from  the  same  state. 

Things  went  on  this  way  fur  a  spell,  till  at  last  tha 
heerd  of  'em  in  the  country,  and  the  wimen  all  about 
found  some  excuse  to  come  to  town  to  git  store  goods, 
jest  a  purpose  to  see  the  babbys  and  thur  parents.  The 
little  daddy  war  wusser  plagued  now,  and  they  starr'd 
at  him  so  *hat  he  couldn't  work — the  fact  wur  his  mind 
war  gittin'  troubled,  and  some  of  the  wimen  noticed  the 
skary  look  he  had  out  of  his  eyes,  and  kept  a  wonderin' 
what  it  meant.  One  mornin'  it  war  noticed  by  some 
of  the  gals  that  his  shop  warn't  open'd,  so  tha  got  in- 
quirin'  about  him,  and  arter  a  sarch  he  cum  up  missin* 
— well,  I'm  of  the  opinion  thar  wur  an  excitement  in 
town  then,  fully  ekill  to  the  president's  election.  Every 
womin  started  her  husbind  out  arter  Jo,  with  orders 
not  to  cum  back  without  him,  and  sech  a  scourin'  as 
tha  gin  the  country  round  would  a  caught  anythin' 
human — it  did  ketch  Jo — on  his  road  to  Texas  !  When 
tha  got  him  back  in  the  town  agin,  a  committee  of 
married  men  held  a  secret  talk  with  him,  to  larn  what 
the  marter  wur,  that  he  wanted  to  clear  out,  and  Jo 


L^W^X^  l/lb^ 

^  ^^^^^ *f 

t<f[d  ^Tft^thfTTITe^  fWl^fo^Wpt  asfarinTat  him^p  he 
couldn't  work,  and  ef  he  war  kept  from  his  bisrc^ss, 
and  his  family  continooed  to  increase  three  at  a  time 
he'd  git  so  cussed  poor  herd  starve,  and  tharfore 
knew  it  'ud  be  better  to  clar  out,  for  the  wimen  would 
be  sure  to  take  good  care  of  his  wife  and  the  babbys. 

Old  Dr.  Wilkins  wur  appinted  by  the  men  to  wait  on 
a  meetin'  of  the  wimen,  and  inform  them  of  the  fact, 
that  tha  wur  annoyin'  the  father  of  the  three  babbys, 
and  had  amost  driven  him  out'n  the  settlement.  The 
Doctor,  accordin'  to  appintment,  informed  the  wimen, 
^nd  arter  he  had  retired  tha  went  into  committee  of  the 
whole,  upon  the  marter,  and  appinted  three  of  thur 
number  to  report  at  a  meetin',  on  the  next  evenin',  a 
set  of  resolutions  tellin'  wrhat  tha'd  do  in  the  premises, 
and  governin'  female  action  in  the  partickler  case  of  Jo 
Allen,  his  little  wife,  and  three  beautiful  healthy  babbys. 

When  the  hour  of  meetin'  had  arriv,  Mrs.  Sutton's 
parlors  wrur  crowded  with  the  wimen  of  the  settlement, 
and  arter  appinten  Widder  Dent  to  the  cheer  tha  reported 
the  committee  on  resolves  reddy,  and  Mrs.  Sutton  bein' 
the  head  of  the  committee  she  sot  to  work  and  read  the 
followin'  drawn  up  paper  : — 

Whereas,  It  has  ben  sed  by  the  wise  Solomon  of  old 
that  the  world  must  be  peopled,  tharfore,  we  hold  it  to 
be  the  inviolate  duty  of  every  man  to  git  married,  and, 
moreover,  rear  up  citizens  and  future  mothers  to  our 
glorious  republick  ;  and, 

Wliereas,  It  is  gratifyin'  to  human  natur',  the  world 
in  gineral,  Missury  at  large,  and  Liberty  in  partickler, 
that  this  settlement  has  set  an  example  'to  the  ancesters 
of  future  time,  which  will  not  only  make  the  wimen  of 
this  enlightened  state  a  pattern  for  thur  children,  but  a 


160   \      %       *.  SETTLEMtoT  FUN. 


nvy  t^TEe  rSyal 


envy  t^TEe  rSyalwhen  rt>Jt;<iforgettm'  the 

prg*ra  mother  of  the  Lions  of  Ing]  and,  but  will  elevate 
^affd  place  in  and  among  the  furst  families,  fur  ever  here- 
"arter,  the  mother  that  has  shed  such  lustre  upon  the 
sex  in  gineral  ;  and 

Whereas,  It  is  the  melancholy  lot  of  some  to  be  de- 
prived of  doin'  thar  duty  in  the  great  cause  of  human 
natur',  because  the  young  men  is  backward  about  speak- 
in'  out,  it  is  time  that  some  measures  be  taken  inimical 
to  our  general  prosperity,  and  encouragin'  to  the  risin' 
generation  of  young  fellars  round  town  ;  tharfore, 

Resolved,  That,  as  married  wimen,  our  sympathies,* 
like  the  heavin'  of  natur's  bosom,  yearns  with  admira- 
tion and  respect  fur  that  little  womin,  Mrs.  Allen,  and 
as  wre  see  her  three  .dear  little  babbys,  reclinin'  upon 
thur  mother's  female  maternal  bosom,  our  beatin'  hearts 
with  one  accord  wish  we  could  say  ditto. 

Resolved,  That  in  -the  case  of  Mrs.  Allen  we  see  an 
illustrious  example  of  the  intarnal  and  extarnal  progress 
of  that  spreadin'  race,  the  Angel  Saxons  ;  and  time  will 
come  when  the  mothers  of  the  west  will  plant  thar 
glorious  shoots  from  one  pinnacle  of  the  Rocky  Moun- 
tains to  the  tother,  and  until  thar  cry  of  liberti  will  be 
hollered  from  one  pint  to  the  next  in  a  continooal 
skreech  ! 

Resolved,  That  Mister  Joseph  Allen,  the  father  of 
these  three  dear  little  babbys,  shall  receive  a  monument 
at  his  deth,  and  while  he  is  livin',  the  wimen  shall  ony 
visit  his  shop  once  a  \veek  to  look  at  him,  'cept  the 
married  wimen,  who  shall  be  permitted  to  see  him 
twice  a  week  and  no  offener,  pervided  and  exceptin5 
tha  want  to  git  measured  fur  a  par  of  shoes. 

Resolved,  Mister  Joseph  Allen  shall  hev  the  custom 


«  DOING  ?)  A  LANDLORD.  161 

of  the  whole  settlement,  for  he  is  a  glorious  livin'  ex- 
ample of  a  dotin'  husbind. 

Arter  these  resolutions  had  ben  unanimously  passed, 
Mrs.  Sutton  addressed  the  meetin',  in  a  stream  of  ele- 
gance, wharin  she  proved,  clar  as  a  whistle,  that  a 
family  war  the  furst  consideration  fur  a  settler  in  a  new 
country  and  town  lots  the  arter  question.  "  She  ac- 
knowledged the  corn,"  she  sed,  "  that  it  war  soothin' 
to  look  offen  at  thur  neighbor  Allen,  but  his  peace  of 
mind  war  the  property  of  his  family,  and  she  hoped  the 
ladies  wouldn't  disturb  it,  'cause  the  loss  of  sech  a 
husbind,  would  be  a  sufferin'  calamity  to  the  settlement" 

The  raeetin'  adjourned,  and  Jo  went  back  to  work, 
singin'  and  whistlin'  as  happy  as  usual,  and  ever  sence 
he's  had  a  parfect  shower  of  work,  for  the  gals  all  round 
the  country  keep  goin'  to  him  to  git  measured,  tha  say 
he  desarves  to  be  incouraged. 

Your  furst  Cousin, 

BILL  SAPPER. 


"DOING"  A  LANDLORD. 

A  STORY  OF  SHAPE  AND  TALENT. 

TOM  C.  H ,  Esq.,  a  genius,  whose  ideas  of  life 

were  on  such  a  magnificent  scale  that  they  outran  his 
interest,  capital  and  all,  was  seated  upon  the  porch 
of  a  fashionable  hotel,  in  a  large  eastern  village, 
one  bright  Monday  morning,  cogitating  how,  in  the 
nature  of  things,  it  was  possible  for  him  to  compass  a 
dinner.  The  long  score,  unpaid,  which  stood  recorded 


162  «  DOING  "  A  LANDLORD. 

on  the  books  within,  precluded  the  idea  of  getting  one 
there  without  the  tin,  and  numerous  searches  through 
sundry  pockets  about  his  person  were  unrewarded  by  a 
single  shiner.  The  case  was  desperate,  but  great  minds 
are  always  equal  to  great  emergencies,  and  Tom's  was 
of  that  order.  His  coat  had  been  renovated  by  a  scourer, 
for  whom  he  had  written  a  love  letter,  his  hat  had 
been  ironed  by  a  good-natured  hatter,  who  had  enjoyed 
his  custom  in  better  days,  a  new  coat  of  japan  varnish 
had  been  lavished  upon  his  cane,  his  dicky  wras  passable, 
and  no  gentleman  would  think  of  examining  the  extre* 
mities  of  his  covering,  or  pry  into  the  shifts  he  had  been 
put  to  for  a  shirt.  Tom  thought  himself  passable,  and 
he  resolved  to  pass  off'  for  a  dinner,  if  possible.  A 
stranger  lolling  easily  on  a  settee  near  him  looked  vul- 
nerable, and  Tom,  approaching  him  in  a  very  bland  and 
friendly  manner,  remarked  : — 

"  Excuse  me,  sir,  but  you  look  so  like  an  old  friend 

of  mine,  J.  B ,  who  has  resided  for  years  in  the 

south,  that  I  can't  help  addressing  you." 

"  I  am  from  the  south,  sir,"  answered  the  stranger, 
courteously,  "but  not  the  person  you  speak  of — know 
him,  however,  and  am  pleased  to  encounter  a  friend 
of  his." 

"  That's  it,"  said  Tom  to  himself,  «  got  him  as  easy 
as  rolling  off  a  log!" 

An  animated  conversation  ensued,  which  ended  by 
Tom  being  asked  to  dine,  and  when  the  gong  pro- 
claimed the  table  spread,  in  walked  the  stranger  and 
Tom,  arm-in-arm,  large  as  life  and  twice  as  natural.  He 
called  the  waiters  with  an  air  of  ease,  passed  the  stranger's 
wine  with  friendly  freedom,  laughed  musically,  jested 
with  spirit,  wiped  his  mouth  with  grace,  and,  in  short, 


"DOING"  A  LANDLORD.  163 

completely  captivated  the  southerner.  During  the 
period  of  Tom's  luxuriating,  he  was  observed  by  the 
landlord,  who,  indignant,  sent  a  servant  to  order  him 
from  the  table.  Tom  had  "  come  it"  over  him  for  so 
many  odd  dinners,  without  a  shadow  of  prospect  for 
pay,  that  he  would  stand  it  no  longer.  The  servant 
approached,  whispered  in  his  ear,  and  stood  off  to  give 
him  room  to  move.  Tom  clutched  the  wine  bottle,  with 
the  intention  of  hurling  it  at  his  head,  but  altered  his 
purpose,  and  poured  out  another  glass,  drank  it  off, 
looked  daggers  at  the  servant,  and  in  a  moment  more 
smiled  confidence  upon  his  friend. 

"  Would  you  believe  it,"  said  Tom,  to  the  southerner, 
"  that  since  my  absence  from  the  city  for  a  few  days 
past,  a  rival  house  of  our  shipping  ftrm  has  whispered 
the  possibility  of  our  failure,  and  this  rascally  landlord, 
having  heard  the  calumny,  has  insulted  me  here  at  table 
by  sending  a  servant  to  demand  the  trifling  sum  I  owe 
him." 

The  southerner  was  burning  with  indignation. 

"It  is  too  humiliating;"  added  Tom,  "not  dreaming 
of  such  an  outrage,  I  am  entirely  unprovided  at  the 
moment." 

"  Here,  my  dear  fellow,"  promptly  proffered  his 
friend,  "here  is  my  pocket-book,  make  use  of  it  with- 
out hesitation." 

"  You're  very  kind,"  said  Tom,  "  very,  I  will  but 
borrow  this  thousand  dollar  bill  for  a  moment — I  know 
the  rascal  can't  change  it!" 

With  an  air  of  offended  dignity,  Tom  approached 
the  office  of  the  hotel,  the  landlord,  frowning  with  anger, 
stood  at  the  desk,  the  offended  "diner  out,"  put  his 
hand  to  his  eyes,  as  if  hiding  deep  emotion,  and  then 


164  "DOING"  A  LANDLORD. 

addressing  the  -landlord  in  a  grief-stricken  voice,  he 
said: 

"  I  never  dreamed  of  such  an  insult  from  you,  sir,  at 
such  a  time,  too,  just  as  my  uncle  in  the  south  has 
expired, — and  his  agent  with  me  to  deliver  up  the  por- 
tion bequeathed  to  me — it  is — it — sir,  I  cannot  express 
in  language  my  feelings.  Take  out  of  that  the  paltry 
sum  I  owe  you," — throwing  down  the  thousand  dollar 
bill, — "and  henceforth  I  never  will  enter  your  door. 
Just  at  a  time  too,"  he  further  added,  "  when  I  had 
intended  to  make  your  house  my  home,  and  endeavor 
to  make  some  return  for  your  forbearance.  It  is  too 
much — my  feelings  are  lacerated,"  and  here  he  became 
almost  overpowered  by  emotion. 

The  strip  of  crape  around  his  hat — put  there  to  hide 
the  greasy  band — the  thousand  dollar  bill,  and  the 
renovated  coat,  which  looked  like  new  on  the  possessor 
of  such  a  sum,  all  assured  the  landlord  that  he  had  been 
hasty.  He,  therefore,  denied  the  indignity,  straight, 
said  that  it  was  an  impertinence  of  his  servant,  who  had 
twice  before  offended  his  best  guests  by  his  insolence, 
and  assured  Tom  that  he  would  discharge  the  fellow 
forthwith — pushed  back  to  him  the  thousand  dollar  bill, 
and  begged  he  would  forget  the  circumstance — indeed, 
he  felt  shocked  that  such  an  outrage  had  been  perpe- 
trated upon  his  oldest  friend  and  customer.  These 
warm  expressions  mollified  Tom's  wrath,  and  folding 
up  his  bill  he  walked  back,  resumed  his  seat,  returned 
the  bill  to  the  southerner,  merely  remarking  he  had 
"brought  the  landlord  to  his  feelings,"  and  cheerfully 
sipped  a  little  iced  champagne.  As  he  left  the  table 
arm-in-arm  with  his  freind,  the  landlord  approached, 
bowing,  and  begged  to  know  where  he  should  send  for 


"DOING"  A  LANDLORD.  165 

his  trunk,  as  No.  24,  a  fine  airy  room,  which  would 
suit  him  to  a  charm,  was  at  present  empty.  Tom  said 
he  would  send  the  baggage  up,  and  after  lighting  a 
choice  Havana,  strolled  out  with  an  air  aristocratic. 

In  good  time,  the  trunk  arrived — a  rude  one,  but 
very  heavy.  The  landlord  winked  as  the  servant  bent 
beneath  its  weight,  and  remarked,  as  he  paid  the  por- 
terage, that  a  large  quantity  of  bullion  was  generally 
rather  heavy.  Tom  was  in  clover — the  thousand  dol- 
lar bill  got  whispered  about,  and  one  of  his  creditors,  a 
fashionable  tailor,  insisted  on  trusting  him  for  another 
suit;  he-  yielded,  after  much  persuasion,  and  it  was 
astonishing  how  everything  altered  with  Tom's  appear- 
ance. His  note  was  good  for  any  small  sum  now,  and 
it  was  a  pleasure  to  make  his  acquaintance. 

In  the  course  of  about  six  months  the  landlord  thought 
he  would  just  hint  to  Tom  that  a  small  check  would  be 
agreeable,  as  they  were  hard  pushed.  The  hint  was 
given,  and  he  received  a  check — anything  but  a  cash 
one,  though.  Tom  very  coolly  informed  him  that  the 
agent  who  had  raised  his  hopes,  was  a  rascally  impostor. 

"But  the  thousand  dollar  bill,  Mr.  H.  ?"  said  the 
landlord,  inquiringly. 

"  Was  handed  to  me,  by  the  rogue,  to  keep  up  ap- 
pearances," coolly  responded  Tom. 

"I  shall  seize  your  baggage,  sir!"  cried  the  enraged 
host. 

"  I  can't  help  it,  my  dear  fellow,"  said  Tom  ;  "  you 
know  if  I  had  a  <  pocket  full  of  rocks ,'  you  should  share 
them,  for  I  like  you,  vastly — I  do — cuss  me  if  I  don't ; 
so  keep  cool,  and  kee'p  the  baggage  until  I  make  a 
draw  and  raise  the  little  sum." 

The  trunk  was  seized,  and  so  roughly  that  it  burst 


166  WHO  IS  GEORGE  SIMPSON? 

open,  when  the  landlord  discovered  that  if  Tom  had  no 
poc/cet  full  of  rocks,  it  was  because  he  had  stowed  them 
all  in  his  trunk,  and  that  accounted  very  naturally  for 
its  being  so  heavy ! 


WHO  IS  SIR  GEORGE  SIMPSON? 

AN  EXTRAORDINARY  CIRCUMSTANCE  ABOUT  HIM. 

AN  esteemed  friend  of  ours,  who  now,  heaven  rest 
his  spirit,  sleeps  in  the  tomb,  had  a  curious  method  of 
relating  a  story ;  and  if  his  hearer  was  of  an  impatient 
nature,  it  would  be  sorely  tried  before  he  heard  the  con- 
clusion of  any  yarn  the  "  Consul"  might  start  to  favor 
him  with.  On  one  occasion,  some  months  since,  he 
seated  himself  at  my  elbow,  while  I  was  busily  perusing 
a  piece  of  news  in  which  Sir  George  Simpson's  name 
appeared,  and  taking  the  knight's  cognomen  for  a  text, 
he  insisted  on  relating  .to  me  an  extraordinary  circum^ 
stance,  which  drew  forth  a  correspondingly  extraordi- 
nary remark  from  the  said  Sir  George.  With  a  pencil, 
unperceived  by  the  relater,  I  stenographed  his  story, 
nearly  word  for  word,  and  as  it  is  replete  with  interest, 
I  do  not  feel  justified  in  withholding  it  at  the  present 
time  from  the  public ;  so,  here  it  is  : — 

"  I'll  tell  you  an  extraordinary  circumstance  about 
George  Simpson,"  said  the  "Consul."  "  You  see, 
when  I  was  at  my  brother's.,  on  Staten  Island,  some  years 
since — at  his  country  seat,  living  with  his  family — (my 
brother  Bill,  it  was) — there  was  some  six  children,  and 
I  lived  at  home  there — the  oldest  not  more  than  fourteen. 


WHO  IS  SIR  GEORGE  SIMPSON  ?  167 

and  I  used  to  take  him  out  hunting  with  me ; — the 
young  rascal  was  a  good  shot,  too !  You  see  I  was 
there  at  that  time  on  my  oars,  doing  nothing,  and  had 
plenty  of  time  to  spare,  which  I  used  to  fill  up  by  fish- 
ing and  hunting,  sometimes  for  days  together — pretty 
poor  luck  at  that,  often,  but  I  didn't  care,  as  time  wasn't 
valuable.  Well,  you  see,  my  brother  Bill  used  to  invite 
some  of  the  people  in  the  neighborhood  to  dinner,  and 
often  there  were  distinguished  visiters  on  the  island- — it's 
a  first  rate  place  in  summer — and  Bill  had  every  thing 
nice  on  his  table ;  he  took  some  trouble  to  keep  it  fine, 
and  he  had  a  reputation  for  being  a  good  liver.  You 
could  see  he  liked  good  things  by  his  appearance,  for 
he  was  corpulent.  Well,  you  see,  Sir  George  Simpson 
happened  to  be  invited  to  dine — Sir  George,  the  Scotch- 
man, old  fellow — belonging  to  the  Hudson  Bay  Fur 
Company;  Scotch  as  the  devil! — old  tory  at  that;  he 
has  travelled  all  over  the  north-western  territory,  and 
Oregon,  and  clear  up  to  Behring's  Strait ;  knows  the 
worth  of  a  wild-cat  skin  in  any  market  in  the  world,  old 
Sir  George  does — a  cursed  old  Jew,  too  !  Well,  as  we 
were  all  seated  at  the  table — I  on  my  brother  Bill's 
right,  and  Sir  George  on  his  left  —  (Sir  George  was 
dressed  in  check  pants  and  a  snuff-colored  coat,  looking 
as  pompous  as  the  red  lion  of  England,  although  he  was 
only  a  Scotch  clerk  of  the  Fur  Company) — just  as  Bill's 
oldest  boy  asked  for  something  at  table,  and  I  was  help- 
him  to  a  bit  of  veal  kidney — the  young  rascal  was 
fond  of  kidney,  and  would  have  it  when  it  was  on  the 
table — says  Sir  George,  says  he — and  my  brother  Bill, 
who  wjas  just  turning  up  his  plate  at  the  time,  stopped 
and  laid  down  his  fork,  and  I  turned  round  to  hear  what 
he  had  to  say — (the  old  fellow  always  spoke  slow,  with 


168  LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 

considerable  Scotch  accent,  and  every  body  wanted  to 
hear — it's  the  most  extraordinary  circumstance  or  re- 
mark, whichever  you  please,  as  I  said,  that  ever  I 
heard) — says  Sir  George,  says  he,  "  7  shouldn't  wonder 
if  we  have  to  fight  about  Oregon  yet!" 


LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 

BY    A    FORWARD    CHILD. 

ST.  Louis  has  obtained  the  reputation  of  being  a  dan- 
gerous climate  for  infants,  and  the  bills  of  mortality,  as 
they  have  from  time  to  time  exhibited  an  alarming  num- 
ber of  deaths  among  children,  have  called  forth  learned 
disquisitions  from  the  "  medicine  men,"  and  some  new 
views  from  those  who  are  without  the  pale  of  regular 
practice.  All  seemed  to  agree  that  the  mortality  every 
summer  was  alarming,  but  no  two  united  in  assigning 
the  same  cause  for  the  fatal  result.  After  listening  pa- 
tiently to  both  sides,  I  sought  information  from  the  suf- 
fering party,  and  their  opinion  may  be  gathered  from 
the  complaints  of  their  correspondent  Bub.  He  says  : 

Dear  Sir : — Of  late  I  perceive  the  public  are  making 
some  stir  about  us  babies ;  may  heaven  vouchsafe 
healthy  children  to  our  defenders.  I  have  a  string  of 
sorrows  to  relate  myself,  and  my  poor  bowels  cry  out 
for  protection ;  you  must  therefore  permit  me  to  say  a 
few  words.  My  Ma  is  what  you  would  call  a  fashion- 
able woman,  and  although  she  loves  her  baby,  yet  she 
says  it  is  not  fashionable  for  mammas  in  the  southern 


LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY.  169 

states  to  nurse  their  own  babies ;  I  am,  consequently, 
turned  over  to  the  care  of  nigger  Molly,  and  Lord  pre- 
serve me,  such  nursing  as  I  get  would  kill  a  young  In- 
dian. I  am  fed  with  every  thing,  from  a  green  apple 
to  a  chunk  of  fat  pickled  pork,  and  the  sufferings  which 
I  undergo  therefrom,  would  crack  a  sucking  bottle,  or 
rend  a  diaper  in  tatters.  After  feeding  me  into  sickness, 
they  set  a  doctor  at  me,  who  physics  me  into  a  state  of 
quiet  insensibility,  and  they  then  say,  "bess  its  ittle 
bessed  heart  it's  ditten  better,  it  is."  I  get  a  little  peace 
until  I  get  strong  enough  to  cry  out,  and  then  nigger 
Molly  stuffs  me  to  keep  me  quiet,  and  I  go  through 
another  spell.  I  see  our  dog  Flora  watching  her  pups, 
and  if  any  person  goes  near  them  she  is  almost  ready  to 
tear  them  to  pieces ;  I  wish  my  Ma  was  as  careful  of 
me.  I  see  a  poor  woman  opposite  kissing  her  baby, 
and  I  envy  that  child  ;  nobody  kisses  me  but  black 
Molly,  and  she  does  it  to  smother  my  cries  of  suffering. 
I  don't  know  what  kills  other  babies,  but  this  treatment 
will  soon  finish  me  BUB. 


NO.    II. BUB    IN    PERIL. 

i  How  are  you  ? — You  have  published  my  letter,  and  I 
am  glad  to  see  that  nigger  Molly  cannot  smother  my  cry 
to  the  public — if  I  don't  give  her  scissors,  it  will  be  be- 
cause she  smothers  me  outright.  You  must  know  Molly 
keeps  two  bottles  filled  with  liquid,  one  of  which  she 
administers  to  me,  and  the  other  to  herself,  and  they 
both  have  about  the  same  effect,  only  hers  smells  worst. 
Hers  she  calls  whiskey,  mine  cordial.  The  other  morn- 
ing Molly  set  me  down  on  the  floor,  beside  a  pan  of 
22  P 


170  LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 

water,  and  commenced  taking  comfort  from  her  bottle, 
and  I,  feeling  feverish,  commenced  comforting  myself 
by  dabbling  in  the  pan  until  I  was  all  wet ;  Molly  per- 
ceiving this  picked  me  up  to  slap  me,  but  her  cordia1 
floored  her.  I  should  have  been  glad  of  this,  only  she 
nearly  killed  me  in  her  fall,  and  because  I  screamed,  &* 
any  baby  would  do,  she  clapped  her  black  lips  to  mine, 
smelling  horribly  as  they  were  of  whiskey,  and  kept  in 
rny  breath  until  I  was  as  black  in  the  face  as  herself.  I 
yelled  at  this  double  outrage,  and  she  silenced  me  by 
pouring  a  double  dose  of  cordial  down  my  throat,  which 
threw  me  into  a  state  of  insensibility,  from  which  I  awoke 
almost  dead.  My  mother  asked  to  see  me,  and  when 
she  heard  me  moaning,  she  said  "  the  ittle  bessed  dear 
is  suffering  wris  its  too-sys."  I  aint  suffering  with  my 
teeth — I'm  suffering  with  nigger  Moll's  nursing. 

BUB. 


NO.    III. BUB    RESCUED. 

Hello,  boys : — Flourish  trumpets  !  merrily  beat  your 
drums — I'm  a  saved  sucker  I  A  day  of  hope  and  pro- 
mise has  shed  its  light  upon  my  infantile  head,  and 
bright  visions  of  a  pair  of  small  breeches  to  be  worn 
by  me,  float  airily  round  my  head — they  appear  plain 
and  palpable  in  the  vista  of  the  future — buttons,  pockets, 
suspenders  and  all — vive  la  pantalons  !  The  other  morn- 
ing my  Pa  drew  forth  the  copies  of  the  Reveille  from 
his  book  case,  and  commenced  reading  them  for  Ma's 
amusement.  Suddenly  he  cast  his  eye  on  my  letters, 
and  straight  he  commenced  them — he  laughed,  and 
then  Ma  laughed,  and  then  I  crowed.  By  and  by,  as 


LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY.  171 

he  proceeded,  Ma  began  to  look  angry;  she  cast  a 
glance  at  me,  and  then  her  conscience  smote  her — I 
was  wasted  to  a  shadow — on  went  Pa  with  the  letters ; 
Ma  wept,  I  crowed,  and  nigger  Molly  gave  me  a  pinch 
— a  yell  followed  and  the  clouds  burst ! 

"  Give  me  that  child,  you  hateful  jade,  you  ;  how  dare 
you  hurt  it  ?"  cried  Ma. 

"Please  God,  I  didn't  do  nuffin  ob  de  sort,  missus; 
I'd  do  any  thin  else,  missus,  dan  hurt  de  baby,"  an- 
swered Moll. 

"  Get  out  of  my  sight,  you  hussy !"  cried  my  enraged 
mamma  ;  "  you  have  nearly  killed  de  bessed  ittle  pet — 
mamma's  dear,  bess  its  heart — get  out  of  my  sight ;  if 
ever  you  touch  it  again,  I'll  punish  you  severely." 

Molly  fled,  Pa  chuckled  to  himself,,  and  I  crowed 
again — I  tried  to  hurrah !  How  shall  I  describe  the 
change  which  stole  over  me,  body  and  spirit,  as,  nest- 
ling in  my  mother's  sweet  bosom  and  receiving  her  fond 
caress,  I  was  permitted  abundantly  to  drink  at  "  Nature's 
pure  fount,  which,  at  my  cry,  sent  forth  a  pearly  stream 
to  cherish  my  enamelled  veins."  A  sweet  sleep  visited 
my  pillow  again,  and  the  fond  endearments  which  waited 
on  my  waking  moments  were  life  and  joy  to  me.  My 
Ma,  now,  is  rapidly  improving  in  health — I,  of  course, 
will  grow  fat;  and  just  wait  until  I'm  able  to  wear  them 
breeches  and  beat  a  small  drum,  if  I  don't  visit  the 
Reveille  office  and  give  you  the  serenade  of  "  Oh,  be 
joyful,"  until  your  petrified  stump  will  execute  a  double 
shuffle,  then  say  my  name  aint  BUB. 


172  LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 


NO.    IV. BUB    FLOURISHING. 

Hello,  Drummers  :  —  Whoop !  hey !  cock-a-doodle- 
doo-o-o !  If  I  aint  some  by  this  time  I  wouldn't  say 
so !  You  remember  what  a  sickly  state  I  was  in  when 
I  commenced  telling  you  my  grievances?  —  how  my 
complaints  wrought  improvement  and  rescued  me  from 
nigger  Molly  ?  Well,  ever  since  then,  it's  a  surprise  to 
learn  the  way  my  body  has  spread — I'm  a  small  Lam- 
bert, and  have  got  six  teeth.  Aint  I  some  ?  Talk  of 
your  Missouriums  ! — only  look  at  me !  Well,  between 
you  and  me,  I  didn't  cut  them  teeth  for  nothing ;  I  find 
a  fellow  don't  get  knowledge  without  paying  for  it ;  I 
suffered  in  teething,  but  I  learned  some.  Women  who 
pay  no  attention  to  their  babies,  envy  me  my  fat — I'm 
a  kind  of  living  rebuke  to  them,  and,  for  a  year  old,  I'm 
rather  a  heavy  rebuke.  They  every  now  and  then  say : 
"  Why,  bless  me,  Mrs.  T ,  you'll  kill  yourself  nurs- 
ing that  big  fat  child."  The  answer  they  get,  gene- 
rally, is,  «  Well,  it  will  get  killed  if  I  don't ."'  That's 
the  way  to  tell  it ! — bravo,  Ma  !  «  Well,  but,  Mrs. 

T ,  why  don't  you  let  Molly  relieve  you  of  such  a 

load  ?"  Ma  answers,  "  It's  because  Molly  nearly  re- 
lieved  me  of  him  altogether — he  would  have  died  from 
her  nursing."  That's  a  fact ! — hit  'em  again,  Ma.  "  My 
children,"  says  Mrs.  Nevernurse,  "  get  along  very  well 
without  me."  "  Yes,"  answered  Ma,  again,  "  you  have 
only  two  living  out  of  six"  That  was  a  wiper! — how 
she  twisted  her  face  at  it!  I  think  I'm  safe  enough, 
but  my  peace  is  sadly  troubled  with  fear  when  I  hear 
some  of  these  old  women  giving  Ma  advice.  It  would 
do  you  good  to  see  old  Molly  look  at  me,  now  and  then, 


LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY.  173 

saying,  with  her  big  eyes,  "Well,  bress  cle  Lord,  I'm 
clar  ob  dat  brat,  but  I  should  jis  Jike  to  hab  him  for  a 
a  week,  I'd  take  de  sassy  look  out  ob  his  face."  I'd 
like  to  try  my  six  new  teeth  on  her  black  hide. 

You  shall  have  that  serenade,  Drummers,  and  no 
mistake.  BUB. 


NO.    V. BUB    AGAIN    IN    DANGER. 

Gents : — How  d'ye  do  ?  I've  just  had  a  good  long- 
pull  at  the  titty,  and  have  got  on  a  clean  warm  diaper ; 
and  feeling  pretty  comfortable,  I  think  I'll  give  you  an- 
other small  epistle.  I'm  going  to  get  into  trouble — I 
feel  it  in  my  bones.  My  Ma  has  quarreled  with  her  old 
physician,  and  has  employed  a  new  one,  young  Dr. 
Pliant — between  you  and  me,  I  think  they  should  have 
named  him  Verdant.  This  new  doctor  wants  to  please, 
so  anything  the  women  propose  is  exactly  right.  "  Don't 

you  think,  Doctor,"  says  one,  "  that  Mrs.  T will 

destroy  her  health,  nursing  that  fat  child  ?"  "  Cer- 
tainly, maam,  most  unquestionably,  Mrs.  Helpalong; 
the  strength  of  the  mother  being  inadequate  to  the 
sufficient  indevelopment  of  the  ponderous  system  of 
meat-gather-upon-its-bones-ativeness  of  the  infant,  it 
consequently  follows  that  the  thin- down-to- a-light-alti- 
tudity  of  the  fill-up-and-get-strong-ative  powers  of  the 
mother  naturally  must  result."  " I  thought  so,  Doc- 
tor," says  Mrs.  Helpalong,  and  this  clear-as-mud  evi- 
dence against  my  comfort  is  reiterated  to  my  mother 
"Do  you  really  think,  Dr.  P.,  that  I  am  endangering 
my  health  ?"  "  That  depends  upon  how  you  feel," 
says  the  doctor.  "Why,"  says  Ma,  "I  feel  as  well  as 


i 


174  LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 

ever  I  did  in  my  life."  "  Your  system,  then,"  says  the 
doctor,  "  is  what  we  call  in  the  south  sui  generis — that 
is,  you  can  stand  nursing,  and,  consequently,  the  babe 
having  a  tendency  to  the  natural  milk  which  surrepti- 
tiously flows,  I  might  say,  from  the  secretive  portion  of 
the  female  os  frontis  of  the  breast,  it  must  follow,  as  a 
result  from  these  multifarious  and  indigenous  effects, 
that  no  danger  can  ensue  from  your  nursing."  I'm  safe 
as  long  as  my  mother  keeps  in  good  health ;  but  Lord 
bless  me,  should  she  get  ill,  I'm  a  gone  sucker — this 
new  physician  would  dose  her  and  me  into  kingdom 
come  in  about  a  week.  I  heard  quite  a  discussion  about 
his  merits  yesterday.  Mrs.  Enquiry  says  that  he  used 
to  be  a  fiddler  about  two  years  ago,  but  Mrs.  Helpalong 
says  it  is  no  such  thing— that  he  always  was  a  gentle- 
man, and  taught  school  before  he  took  up  the  profession 
— that  he  studied  regularly  a  whole  season,  and  took  his 
diploma  in  the  spring; — she  sticks  to  that,  Mrs.  Help- 
along  does,  and  I  guess  she  is  about  right.  Aint  my 
case  critical  ?  BUB. 


NO.  VI. BUB'S  RECEPTION  OF  A  SILVER  PAP  SPOON. 

Fm  here  again : — Important  events  having  transpired 
since  I  last  wrote  to  you,  it  has  been  deemed  proper  to 
send  a  synopsis  of  them  to  you  for  publication,  in  order 
that  the  world  in  general  may  know  western  babies  are 
some,  and  when  well  nursed  a  good  deal  more  than 
some.  A  most  gratifying  reformation  has  been  effected 
in  certain  circles  by  my  letters,  and,  indeed,  wherever 
they  have  been  read,  nigger  nurses,  paregoric,  sucking- 
bottles,  coarse  diapers,  and  sundry  other  abuses  have 


LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY.  175 

entirely  disappeared.  The  effect  has  been  a  correspond- 
ing improvement  in  babies,  generally,  and  your  corres- 
pondent in  particular,  who  is  now  admitted  to  be  a 
whapping  child  for  a  small  family. 

On  last  Christmas,  a  number  of  our  parents  having 
met  together  to  celebrate  the  day,  all  of  us  youiigsters 
were  put  into  the  nursery  together,  and  the  clatter  of 
discussion  which  followed  would  have  thrown  a  peevish 
nurse  into  hysterics.  Charley  Wilgus  proposed  that  a 
meeting  should  be  held  upon  the  spot,  and  a  silver  pap 
spoon  voted  to  me  for  my  able  letters  in  defence  of  in- 
fantile rights.  Asa  Keemle  seconded  the  motion,  and 
it  was  unanimously  carried.  Charley  Wilgus  was  there- 
upon chosen  chairman,  and  Asa  Keemle,  secretary.  The 
president  mounted  a  pillow,  and  called  the  meeting  to 
order  by  ringing  the  bells  on  his  coral.  On  motion,  a 
committee  was  then  appointed  to  draft  resolutions  ex- 
pressive of  the  sense  of  the  meeting,  and  the  following 
boys,  having  cut  their  eye-teeth,  were  selected  to  draft 
said  resolutions : 

Augustus  Vinton,  Edward  Shade,  John  Charless, 
Christopher  Wigery,  John  Dalrymple  and  Wallace  Fin- 
ney. 

The  committee  having  retired,  Colton  A.  Presbury, 
Jr.,  offered  the  following  resolution,  which  he  prefaced 
by  some  very  pertinent  remarks : 

Resolved,  That  cutting  teeth  is  a  sharp  operation,  and 
should  therefore,  be  deferred  until  maturity. 

Presbury  G.  A.  Colton,  a  little  fellow  who  had  just 
cut  his  first  "  double,"  opposed  this  resolution,  on  the 
ground  of  its  interfering  with  "  future  prospects," — he 
went  in  for  teeth  now,  and  the  cutting  to  come  being 
left  an  open  question.  The  resolution  was  rejected. 


176  LETTERS  FROM  A  BABY. 

Rucker  Smith  now  rose  to  address  the  meeting,  when 
some  objection  was  made  to  him  because  he  sucked 
milk  from  a  bottle ;  it  was,  however,  concluded  that  he 
might  address  the  chair  if  his  diaper  was  pinned  tight ; 
on  examination  he  was  permitted  to  proceed.  He  com- 
menced describing  the  horrors  of  a  cold  bath,  and  was 
interrupted  by  the  president,  who  informed  him  that  the 
subject  of  water  came  more  particularly  under  the  head 
of  streams,  and  could  not  then  be  entertained  by  the 
meeting.  He  then  proceeded  to  describe  the  delights 
of  a  suc/dng-bottle,  and  was  cried  down  by  the  unani- 
mous voice  of  the  meeting.  Some  one  now  commenced 
a  speech  against  paregoric,  whereupon  the  assembly, 
speaker  and  all,  went  immediately  to  sleep  ! 

They  were  aroused  from  their  slumber  by  the  return 
of  the  committee,  which,  through  their  chairman,  Au- 
gustus Vinton,  reported  the  following  resolutions : 

Resolved,  That  babies  are,  and  of  right  ought  to  be, 
natural-born  suckers. 

Resolved,  That  the  introduction  of  negro  nurses 
among  white  babies  was  a  dark  era  in  infantile  history. 

Resolved,  That  all  artificial  efforts,  in  regard  to  babies, 
are  no  go,  and  that  the  old  fashion  defies  the  ingenuity 
of  Yankeedom  to  improve  on  it. 

Resolved,  That  "  being  born  with  a  silver  spoon  in 
your  mouth"  is  a  good  thing,  but  an  unlimited  chance 
at  the  titty  is  a  better. 

Resolved,  That  all  anti-nursing  mothers  are  undeserv- 
ing of  lively  husbands. 

Resolved,  That  we  look  with  feelings  of  compassion 
upon  those  who  have  adopted  children. 

Resolved,  That  Bub  deserves  a  silver  pap  spoon,  and 
shall  have  one. 


177 

These  resolutions  having  been  unanimously  adopted 
by  the  meeting,  it  was — 

On  motion  of  0.  M.  Ridgely,  seconded  by  Edward 
Shade,  adjourned.  A  general  call  was  now  made  for 
refreshments,  which  anxious  mothers  promptly  supplied. 

Yours,  BUB. 


SETH  TINDER'S  FIRST  COURTSHIP. 

HOW     HIS     FLAME     WAS     QUENCHED! 

You  knew  Seth  Tinder, — No? — "git  eout!" — you 
did  know  Seth,  every  body  knew  him,  and  they  couldn't 
help  it,  for  Seth  would  know  every  body.  He  was, 
perhaps,  the  "cutest  critter,"  in  some  things,  that  ever 
calculated  the  success  of  a  notion  expedition,  and  he 
was  among  the  first  of  his  genus  that  ever  strayed,  on 
such  an  expedition,  as  far  west  as  St.  Louis.  If  you 
really  didn't  know  Seth,  it  is  time  your  ignorance  was 
enlightened. 

Seth  was  remarkably  cute  at  driving  a  bargain — that 
was  an  innate  propensity;  Seth  was  inquisitive,  and 
frequently  looked  into  hall  doors,  and  peeped  into 
kitchen  windows — that  was  Yankee  human  nature ; 
Seth  winked  at  the  girls — that  was  an  acquired  habit ; 
he  resolved  to  possess  one — that  wa£  a  calculation. 
Now,  this  winking  at  the  girls,  when  performed  by  a 
handsome  individual,  is  looked  upon  as  a  matter  of 
course;  but  Seth  was  so  notoriously  ugly,  that  his  wink 
was  an  outrage,  and  his  overtures  of  love,  perfect 
atrocities.  His  short,  bow-legged  figure  was  thatched 
23 


178  SETH  TINDER'S  FIRST  COURTSHIP, 

with  the  most  obstinate  bunch  of  carroty  hair  that  ever 
bid  defiance  to  bear's  oil,  and  the  windows  of  his  mind 
as  the  eyes  are  poetically  styled,  appeared  looking  in* 
tently  at  the  tip  of  his  nose,  as  if  apprehensive  that,  ere 
long,  it  would  burst  into  a  blaze.  A  kind  of  half-burnt* 
prairie  garnished  his  chin,  which  would  have  made  a 
very  warm  looking  goatee,  if  Seth  could  have  trans- 
planted it  all  to  one  spot;  but  there  lay  the  difficulty, 
ibr  though  cute  at  driving  a  bargain,  he  could  make 
none  with  nature — she  made  him  ugly  without  his  con- 
sent, and  wouldn't  agree  to  any  alteration.  Seth,  never- 
theless, would  wink  at  the  girls. 

His  first  tender  effort  was  made  upon  the  heart  of  a 
German  butcher's  fair,  fat,  rosy  daughter,  whose  round 
cheeks  and  wrell-fed  form  was,  to  his  eye,  the  very  per- 
fection of  female  beauty.  No  artificial  making  up  about 
her — no  exterior  padding,  it  was  all  done  naturally,  on 
the  inside.  As  she  luxuriated  upon  the  door  steps  of 
an  evening,  Seth  would  linger  near,  wink,  and  grin  all 
sorts  of  affection,  but,  like  all  bashful  swains,  hesitated 
about  coming  to  close  quarters.  He  had  imbibed  the 
erroneous  opinion,  that  all  true  courting  must  be  done 
clandestinely ;  but  all  his  hints  to  draw  his  inamorata 
into  a  secret  treaty,  was  a  failure.  At  length,  he  ven- 
tured in  a  'desperate  manner  up  to  the  door  step,  and 
whispered  hurriedly : — 

"  Look  out — comin'  to  set  up  with  you  to-night — 
round  the  back  way — over  the  fence — be  a-waitin' !" 

"  You'd  petter  pe  ketch'd,"  was  the  fair  one's  re- 
joinder, accompanied  by  a  malicious  laugh,  wrhich  Seth 
interpreted  as  an  approving  one. 

The  darkness  of  the  night  favored  Seth's  clandestine 
opinions  and  practice-  -it  was  just  the  thing  for  a  noc- 


•'They  found  their  trusty  sentry  baulking  all  Seth's  efforts  to  retreat  over  the 
fence,  and  keeping  him  'a  waitin.'" 


179 

turnal  visit ;  therefore,  agreeable  to  notice,  he  made  his 
appearance  at  the  fence,  round  the  back  way.  Leaning 
over  the  barrier,  he  ventured  to  sound  a  cautious  "  hist," 
which  was  immediately  answered  by  a  low  "  wou-ugh." 
That  must  be  Dutch  for  "come,"  reasoned  Seth,  and 
straight  he  mounted  the  fence;  but  politician  never 
took  an  uneasier  seat  on  the  same  line  of  division  than 
he  enjoyed  on  the  present  occasion,  for,  no  sooner  had 
one  pedal  extremity  reached  the  other  side  and  placed 
him  fairly  astride,  than  a  remarkably  savage  dog  seized 
the  intruding  member,  with  a  fierce  "  wou-ugh-ugh- 
ugh-u." 

"  Git  eout,  you  blasted  critter !"  shouted  Seth. 

"  Wou-ugh-ugh!"  roared  the  dog. 

A  struggle  ensued,  in  which  Seth,  unfortunately,  fell 
on  the  wrong  side,  right  into  the  jaws  of  his  antagonist. 
The  attitude  in  which  he  reached  terra  firma,  offered 
the  dog  a  change  of  grip,  and,  like  a  skilful  sentinel, 
he  seized  the  advantage  and  Seth's  seat  of  honor  at  the 
same  time.  Our  hero  sprang  nearly  erect,  with  a  howl 
more  like  his  antagonist  than  any  human  noise,  and  a 
desperate  struggle,  mingled  with  strange  cries,  aroused 
the  dozing  butcher  from  his  pipe,  and  the  fair  cause  of 
the  disturbance  from  her  knitting. 

"  Sum  tarn  rascal's  after  der  sausages  in  der  smoke 
haus !"  was  the  butcher's  first  exclamation  ;  the  rosy 
daughter  smiled  assent,  and  "  arm  and  out,"  was  the 
work  of  an  instant.  They  found  their  trusty  sentry 
baulking  all  Seth's  efforts  to  retreat  over  the  fence,  and 
keeping  him  "a-waitm'"  when  he  would  have  given 
worlds  to  leave.  The  reinforcement  made  at  him  with 
whip  and  broomstick,  and  this  terrible  odds  aroused 
him  to  superhuman  exertions; — with  a  "  muzzier"  he 


180  THE  DEATH  STRUGGLE. 

floored  the  Dutchman  and  his  pipe,  charged  on  the 
flinty-hearted  daughter,  captured  her  broomstick,  beat 
a  parley  with  it  on  the  dog's  head,  and  retreated  over 
the  fence  with  "  flying  colors" — sticking  through  a  rent 
of  his  inexpressibles. 


THE  DEATH  STRUGGLE; 

OR,    THE   WAY    SMITH    DID    UP    JONES. 

You  all  knew  Smith — every  body  knew  Smith,  and 
Smith  was  known  by  every  body — consequently,  Smith 
was  considered  somebody.  A  body  is  supposed  to 
contain  a  soul ;  Smith's  body  not  only  contained  a  soul, 
but  certain  parts  of  Smith's  body  made  and  mended 
other  men's  soles.  Smith  was  enterprising,  industrious, 
and  won  thereby  the  sole  control  of  the  boot  and  shoe 
business  of  the  flourishing  town  of  Kipp.  Smith  was  a 
thriving  man,  a  persevering  man  ;  Smith  was,  in  fact,  a 
strip  of  upper-leather.  Just  about  the  time  of  his  greatest 
success,  when  the  tide  of  fortune  appeared  to  bear  upon 
its  surface  a  perfect  skin  of  Smith's  manufactured  high- 
lows,  and  earth  shook  beneath  the  tread  of  his  patent 
cork  soles,  along  came  Jones.  Strange  freak  of  fate ! 
Jones  was  an  adventurer,-— a  desperate  adventurer, — a 
fellow  who  had  made  soles  his  study  and  upper  leather 
his  dream ;  he  was  a  Napoleon  in  his  business,  and 
could  slash  calf-skin  into  a  killing  shape  for  pedal  ex- 
tremities;— in  short,  he  was  boot  No.  1,  both  in  the 
manufacture  and  sale  of  the  article.  In  Jones'  wander- 
ings along  the  streets  of  Kipp,  his  eye  fell  upon  the  broad 


sign 

There  was  something  prosperous  and  aristocrati 

it,  but,  at  the  "  Fashionable,"  Jones  turned  up 

"  Ox-hide  fashion,"  says  Jones,  "Good  common\ar- 
ticle,  but  won't  sell  alongside  of  a  prime  one.  I'll  drive 
that  fellow,  Smith,  out  of  Kipp  town — have  it  all  to 
myself — do  a  smashing  business — re-sole  the  town — be- 
come upper-leather  in  the  community — president  of 
town  council — die  mayor  of  the  borough,  and  have  all 
my  own  manufactured  shoes  walking  at  my  funeral. — 
Lofty  thought,"  added  Jones. 

In  a  very  short  time,  upon  the  principal  street  in  Kipp, 
in  sight  of  Smith's,  out  swung  a  large  flag,  with  the 
name  of  "  Jones,  importer,  manufacturer,  and  patent 
leather  boot  and  shoe  artiste"  Smith  stared,  the  flag 
fluttered,  and  Jones  chuckled.  Customers  began  to  pa- 
tronise Jones,  and  the  flag  seemed  saucily  to  triumph,  as 
it  floated  upon  the  breeze  blowing  towards  Smith's  door, 
Smith  was  a  man  of  energy,  though,  and  out  came  his 
new  "  patent  gaiter  boot ;"  the  tide  turned  and  Smith 
was  again  in  the  ascendant.  Now  began  a  leather  war 
— Jones  up  and  Smith  down,  Smith  up  again  and  Jones 
down,  as  each  rival,  alternately,  brought  out  something 
new.  At  length,  one  bright  morning,  the  inhabitants  of 
Kipp,  who  had  taken  sides  in  the  contest,  were  astound- 
ed by  the  appearance  of  the  front  of  Smith's  store — it 
was  one  entire  sign,  from  the  pavement  to  the  roof. 
Jones  looked  blue,  the  flag  fluttered  like  a  tattered  rag. 
Smith  rose  in  importance — his  friends  felt  proud  of  him 
— it  was  a  Kipp  triumph  over  foreign  capital — the  Jones 
party  wavered ! — not  so  Jones ;  his  great  mind  had  con- 
ceived a  stupendous  overthrow  for  Smith,  and  ere  ad- 
miration for  his  rival  had  settled  into  sure  success,  it 

Q 


BANCROFT 


182  *TH£  DEATH  $ERUGGE£. 

'*-    i^>  i^    ^    ^  ^   /yv         -^   \ 

was  diverted  to  himself.  An  immense  flag,  of  stone, 
with  his  name  in  large  letters,  was  scientifically  planted 
right  in  the  centre  of  Jones'  pavement. 

The  town  now  became  feverish  with  excitement,  and 
it  was  rumored  that  the  town  council  intended  to  con- 
sider the  matter — the  "  signs  of  the  times"  grew  alarming. 

Glorious  Smith ! — Smith  for  ever ! — unyielding  to  the 
last!  In  this  emergency,  when  the  horizon  seemed 
heavy  with  defeat,  when  a  vast  stone  seemed  to  press 
his  fortunes  into  the  earth,  Smith  arose,  Phoenix  like, 
"  from  a  boot,"  and  gave  assurance  to  the  world  that 
he  was  no  common  leather.  Rapid  as  the  thought 
which  conceived  the  idea,  he  had  a  vast  boot  con- 
structed, placed  upon  a  post  in  front  of  his  door,  and 
with  a  sample  of  his  manufacture  in  each  hand,  he 
mounted  into  it,  to  exhibit  to  the  passers  by  not  only  a 
spectacle  of  indomitable  energy,  but  un^og-ging  per- 
severance. 

"  What  do  you  think  of  Smith  now?"  said  the  adhe- 
rents of  the  "  big  boot," — "  bravo,  Smith !"  shouted  the 
Kippites.  Here  was  a  climax  to  which  ingenuity  could 
discover  no  parallel,  it  was  indeed  the  ne  plus  ultra. 

Jones  put  his  hands  behind  his  coat-tails,  and  looked 
up  street  at  the  big  boot  and  its  tenant,  then  at  the  stone 
flag  beneath  his  feet,  and  his  countenance  settled  into  a 
calm  and  desperate  determination.  "I'll  do  it!"  ex- 
claimed he.  The  expression  was  caught  up  by  his 
friends,  wafted  through  the  town,  and  whispered  in 
each  dwelling,  until  the  excitement  and  expectation 
grew  painful.  Everybody  was  aching  to  see  what  Jones 
would  do. 

Jones  cut  out  a  capacious  pair  of  boots,  set  his  work- 
men at  them,  had  them  finished,  sent  every  living  soul 


WHO  ARE  THEY  ?  183 

away  from  his  shop  at  early  candle-light,  closed  it  up, 
and  all  remained  a  mystery  for  the  remainder  of  the 
night.  Morning  broke — astonishment  and  horror! — 
terrible  Jones  ! — triumphing  in  death  !  He  had  drawn 
on  the  immense  boots,  fastened  them  by  suspenders 
across  his  shoulders,  and  then  suspended  himself  from 
the  flag-staff'  right  over  the  flag-stone.  Beneath  him 
fluttered  a  postscript  attached  to  the  boots ;  its  substance 
was,  "Has  Smith  the  sole  to  imitate  this ?"  Smith 
hadn't. 


"WHO  ARE  THEY?" 

A     QUESTION     OF     VITAL    IMPORT. 

How  often,  in  our  democratic  land,  the  query  which 
forms  our  caption  has  caused  the  aspirants  after  aristo- 
cratic distinction  to  shudder,  and  how  silent  become 
their  voices  of  high  pretension,  when,  by  some  unfortu- 
nate remark,  or  the  recalling  of  some  reminiscence, 
they  have  been  forced  to  take  a  retrospective  glance 
into  the  past  for  a  few  generations.  Happy  are  they  if 
memory  does  not  wake  up  a  sturdy  ancester  pound- 
ing the  leather  upon  his  lapstone,  or  that  necessary 
craftsman,  the  tailor,  plying  his  busy  needle  upon  the 
shop-board.  The  morbid  desire  of  us  republicans  to 
be  ignorant  of  the  vulgar  callings  of  life,  is  often  very 
amusing;  and  the  struggles  to  rake  up  a  pedigree,  to 
give  character  to  growing  prosperity,  has  often  caused 
more  trouble  and  vexation  than  the  building  up  of  a 
fortune,  which  it  was  necessary  thus  to  adorn. 


184  WHO  ARE  THEY  ? 

"Who  are  they?"  was  the  general  query  at  a  soiree 
given  by  a  high  United  States'  officer,  at  the  city  of 
Washington,  a  short  period  previous  to  the  death  of  the 
lamented  General  Harrison.  The  parties  who  called 
forth  the  query  were  a  western  member  of  congress  and 
his  highly  gifted  lady.  The  member  was  in  the  prime 
of  life,  of  acknowledged  talents  in  his  profession,  and 
betrayed,  in  his  manners,  the  high  breeding  of  a  gentle- 
man. A  conscious  power  lent  ease  to  his  frankness, 
and  the  men  of  the  west  clustered  around  him  with 
pride.  His  lady,  simply  attired,  attracted  all  eyes ;  her 
distingue  figure  and  intellectual  face  proclaimed  her  a 
peerless  woman,  and  when  she  smiled  a  ray  of  heaven's 
own  light  beamed  forth  from  human  eyes.  There  was 
a  kindness  in  her  smile  which  won  hearts  before  they 
knew  her ;  there  was  no  hollow  mockery  in  it ;  it  came 
forth  from  a  happy  heart,  and  where  its  influence  fell, 
good  feelings  sprung  up  and  sweet  thoughts  clustered ; 
but — Who  is  she  ?  Ah,  that's  the  question  ;  and  how 
often  the  inquiry  was  passed  from  lip  to  lip  during  that 
evening !  Amid  the  throng  in  which  they  moved,  and 
wherever  they  lingered,  an  admiring  coterie  surrounded 
them.  The  husband  was  a  strong  man  in  the  political 
world ;  had  accepted  a  seat  in  congress  more  to  gratify 
his  friends  than  in  accordance  with  his  own  wishes,  and 
his  party  felt  strengthened  by  his  presence.  His  lady, 
ever  distinguished  at  home,  was  now  creating  no  small 
sensation  at  Washington;  but — "who  are  they?"  That 
all-absorbing  question  remained  unanswered,  even  to 
the  close  of  the  evening,  and  they  departed,  leaving  it 
still  an  "  open  question." 

Judge  W.  had  been  seen  conversing  very  familiarly 
with  them,  and  an  anxious  company  soon  surrounded 


WHO  ARE  THEY  ?  185 

him,  uttering  the  query,  "  Who  are  they  ?"  He  informed 
them,  that  it  was  Mr.  H.  and  his  wife,  Mrs.  H.,  of 

M .  "  Oh !  they  all  knew  that,  but  what  was  their 

family  ?" 

"  Upon  my  life,  ladies,"  answered  the  good-natured 
Judge,  "  I  don't  know ;  but  if  you  will  only  wait  until 
to-morrow  evening,  I  will  endeavor  to  find  out." 

The  task  of  postponing  curiosity,  though  difficult, 
was,  nevertheless,  unavoidable  ;  and  the  party  broke  up 
with  a  living  hope,  that  ere  another  day  had  ended,  the 
important  query  would  be  solved. 

"  Who  are  you?  H.,"  said  the  Judge  to  his  friend 
the  next  day,  as  they  sat  conversing  together  in  H.'s 
parlor. 

"  Well,  that  is  a  hard  question.  Judge,"  replied  H. — 
"  but  perhaps  Mary  can  answer  tjpSt  question  better  than 
I  can ;"  and  calling  his  wife  away  from  a  boquet  of 
flowers  which  she  was  arranging  in  a  vase ;  he  took  her 
hand  in  his,  as  she  leaned  affectionately  over  his  shoulder, 
and  repeated  the  inquiry — Who  am  I,  Mary? — the  Judge 
wishes  to  know." 

"  I  think  I  can  inform  you,  Judge,"  replied  the  wife, 
"  for  he  is  not  a  whit  changed  since  the  day  he  taught 
me  my  first  lesson  in  the  <  free  school'  of  L.  He  is 
Henry  H. — formerly  assistant  teacher  in  a  down-east 
free  school,  and  now,  the  Hon.  Henry  H.,  of  M. ;  rnore- 
over,  the  husband  of  Mary  H.,  formerly  a  factory  girl  in 
that  same  town,  but  now,  I  need  not  tell  you,  Judge, 
the  Hon.  Mrs.  H.,  also  of  M. ;  I  have  really  become 
quite  enamored  of  this  title." 

"It  is  true,  Judge,"  continued  Mr.  H.,  "I  first  be- 
held Mary  at  zfree  school)  taught  her  her  first  lesson, 
learned  another  from  her  eyes,  and  never  became  satis- 
24  Q2 


186  WHO  ARE  THEY  ? 

fied  until  I  possessed  the  book,  that  throughout  life  I 
might  continue  to  peruse  the  beauties  of  the  page.  But 
come,  Judge, — now  that  you  have  traced  our  pedigree, 
give  some  account  of  yourself;  from  what  ancient  stock 
have  you  sprung  ? — Who  are  you  ?" 

"I  am  the  son  of  Adam!"  (a  laugh  here  inter- 
rupted him,)  "  not  the  Adam  spoken  of  in  the  Bible ;  1 
mean  old  Adam  W.,  a  shoemaker  of  Albany,  who  once 
used  his  stirrup  rather  lavishly  upon  me,  and  for  which 
good  office,  I  left  him  one  fine  morning,  without  bid- 
ding good  by.  I  will  not  relate  to  you  the  many 
changes  of  fortune  whicjp  befel  me,  until  I  found  myself 
upon  the  bench,  in  a  United  States'  court,  instead  of  the 
bench  in  my  father's  shop.  Suffice  it  to  say,  that  my 
good  parent,  until  his  dying  day,  expressed  the  opinion 
that  it  was  a  good  thfcg  I  took  to  the  law  early,  for  I 
was  fit  for  no  useful  purpose." 

r  At  Secretary  E.'s  on  the  next  evening,  a  crowd  sur- 
sroiwided  the  Judie,  but  all  wore  upon  their  countenances 
^an  air  &f  incredulity — jthe  Judge's  story  of  the  "  factory 
girl"  "  wouldn't  »go  down." 

"It's  a  fact,  iadies,"  said  the  Judge;  "just  about 
'the  time  I  was  learning  to  make  shoes  these  people  were 
i^the  situations  I  tell  you." 

tThey  all  pronounced  the  Judge  a  wag,  and  would 
noftbelieve  the  story.  A  matron,  more  resolved  than 
her  friends  to  sift  the  truth  of  the  matter,  applied  to  Mrs. 
H.,  Jierself,  and  told  her  what  a  Jib  the  Judge  had  been 
tellmg  them. 

p  I  assure  you  it  is  true,"  replied  Mrs.  H. 
.  *"  Yes,  but  my  dear,  the  best  of  families  have  been 
reduced,"  says  Mrs.  Enquiry,   "  you  are,  no   doubt, 
descended  from  the  <  Pilgrim  Fathers.3  " 


WHO  ARE  THEV  t 


187 


"  I  have  every  reason  to  believe  so,"  answered  Mrs.  H. 

"  I  told  you  so,"  said  Mrs.  Enquiry,  exultingly,  to 
her  circle  of  acquaintances ;  "  she  is  a  daughter  of  one 
of  the  <  Pilgrim  Fathers.'  " 

The  wheels  of  government,  which  had  well  nigh 
ceased  to  move  during  the  pendency  of  this  important 
question,  received  a  new  impetus  from  the  intelligence, 
and  the  republic  was  pronounced  "  out  of  danger," 
for  its  "heads  of  wisest  censure"  had  discovered  who 
they  were  ! — 


/V  \  •  • '  \ 

:  I 


\ 


